I don't understand relationships and why people would ctb over them

[ropeburns&migranes]

Just as the title says. I'm not sure what it is, maybe I'm a cold-hearted person, maybe I lack empathy, maybe I have some sort of mental illness, or maybe all of the above, but I'll never understand why people would ctb over someone else (in a romantic relationship). Some examples being, after a breakup or not being able to be with a specific person. I understand wanting to cbt due to the lack of the will to live. I'm sure for some people being around a specific person alleviates the pain but surely it's not that helpful, not to the point where when a time occurs you can no longer access this person it'll make you want to kill yourself. Maybe I just don't understand the full extent of loneliness? Despite having caring parents I was left alone most of my life so I guess being alone now isn't much of a big deal. I also never plan on making family of my own so there isn't an urgency to find a 'special someone'. Does anyone else relate to this?

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I don't understand it either but who am I to say that they are in the wrong considering how I don't know what's going on inside their head? Personally, a relationship (or lack thereof) wouldn't make me suicidal but everybody reacts to the same thing differently. I don't understand it but, then again, it isn't meant to be understood considering how it's impossible to fully know what somebody else is going through. My reasons to ctb aren't due to loneliness or lack of relationships or anything like that but rather due to existence as a whole

 

[purelydaft]

It's not necessarily even about the feelings towards the other person. If that relationship permeates through every aspect of your life, then everything in your life changes when the relationship ends. It's like having the rug pulled out from under you, like losing a job with no prospects. Some are less equipped to deal with change than others. For a severely depressed person especially, it can be overwhelming and the last push into suicide.

 

[banger12]

This is a generalization and doesn't apply to every case but from what I can tell it's usually one of two reasons. Like @purelydaft noted above, there are scenarios where a relationship is very integrated into someone's life and so it's end forces lifestyle changes and/or has a negative impact on several parts of someone's life. I can imagine this is especially true of people who are cohabitating, or share a social circle during a nasty breakup, for example. Even worse if married or have kids together.

On the other hand, it's also often youth, especially when it's someone's first relationship. Those feelings are very new and intense and some people are much more sensitive to the pain caused by heartbreak.

If you want a personal example, I've never had an actual relationship (which is a bummer), but when I was 17 I had a very brief online LDR and got fucked up over it and suicidal for quite a while. In hindsight it's pathetic and embarassing but it really tore me up, especially since I never experienced anything like that before and had been craving some kind of romance, and given I was a loser autist with no social skills I understood I'll never have the best prospects. It was also fairly messy, and ruined my stupid little internet social circle (im not going to pretend I was innocent, I and everyone else involved all kinda sucked. There were no good guys).

I don't want to judge people for why they want to ctb but I'll be upfront and say I regret letting that "breakup" (if you could call it that) effect me as much as it did. Especially since nowadays I have much more valid, serious and reasonable issues that make me wanna ctb relative to that.

But I hope this clarifies something and I'm super sorry for the overly long personal example.

 

[idelttoilfsadness21]

I think it's about the impact of never finding the same person again…

Think about it?

We all have rare moments that would never happen again and are aware that we get one chance to fully feel human for awhile in this world…

A lot of people naturally have problems and some people are better suited for the other person while most would never find their better half, the majority would perhaps go unnoticed, and some succeed, but to what degree?

This life is a mind game where you can't fully learn to process events that comes at you, especially when you only see the bad and finding people like you or different and are able to give you the right experiences is a rare out of %50 chance and is all basically determined by how people see their own world view and most don't get the chance to meet anyone until much later and because circumstances are deeply importantly rooted for scenerios and why how you shape someone's experience has all to deal with the right tome and place or the wrong time and placing…

I definitely understand it especially when you look at how many of us are cursed by bad fate or bad luck, and though they don't exist, the concept enough can bring people to summarize ideas of their own fate and experiences or how they choose to live and why even with relationships, some may have fallen into their thoughts way prior into the relationship game before they experienced the opposite sex enough to fully know them, as they know of them, but when they meet someone who was their first…

You have awakened yourself to vulnerability and giving yourself a perception of yourself and why even friendships is hard, because you constantly have to redo everything you knew and always learning and leaning on the right choices and factors and most don't have time and it's so hard to even trust anyone…

I deeply get it from their pov.

This is their reality and this is the reality of this broken system and world that shouldn't exist
I hope you see this perspective a bit more you two

Just as the title says. I'm not sure what it is, maybe I'm a cold-hearted person, maybe I lack empathy, maybe I have some sort of mental illness, or maybe all of the above, but I'll never understand why people would ctb over someone else (in a romantic relationship). Some examples being, after a breakup or not being able to be with a specific person. I understand wanting to cbt due to the lack of the will to live. I'm sure for some people being around a specific person alleviates the pain but surely it's not that helpful, not to the point where when a time occurs you can no longer access this person it'll make you want to kill yourself. Maybe I just don't understand the full extent of loneliness? Despite having caring parents I was left alone most of my life so I guess being alone now isn't much of a big deal. I also never plan on making family of my own so there isn't an urgency to find a 'special someone'. Does anyone else relate to this?

I don't understand it either but who am I to say that they are in the wrong considering how I don't know what's going on inside their head? Personally, a relationship (or lack thereof) wouldn't make me suicidal but everybody reacts to the same thing differently. I don't understand it but, then again, it isn't meant to be understood considering how it's impossible to fully know what somebody else is going through. My reasons to ctb aren't due to loneliness or lack of relationships or anything like that but rather due to existence as a whole

 

[Namelesa]

While I won't say I am killing myself cus I lack a relationship or friendship, its has definitely caused me to want to die more as it cause my feelings of emptiness to increase and my sense of purpose to decrease. Friendships and relationships are just a way for me to lessen those problems for me and they are quite effective at doing that as it bring variety into my life and a reason as to why I should continue life as someone is getting value out of me and I helping and supporting them in something. The problem with them tho is I am never able to keep them and it always ends with them leaving me making me feel even more worthless and making me hate myself more as it makes me think its a problem with me. This makes it even harder to get into another one as I am more and more expecting me to fail it in some way and my fear of abandonment is even stronger. I don't really know any other sustainable way to have a more long term feeling of wanting to live aside from getting it from other peeople so that's why the lack of it is part of why I want to die.

 

[areyousafe??]

This is something I have never quite understood, either. How can someone's world fall apart just because a relationship didn't work out? It genuinely puzzles me, however I have never fallen in love/been in love, so I've never been in that position before.

 

[Darkover]

How can someone's world fall apart just because a relationship didn't work out?

The end of a relationship can bring up fears of being alone, of not finding someone again no sex ever again , or of facing life without a companion.

 

[Valhala]

A very small percentage of people in life find that right person, without whom further life is completely meaningless. Whether finding such a person is a blessing or a curse depends on numerous circumstances that enable or prevent that, real and special togetherness. Only if you meet that person with whom you get along in a special way, even without words and because of which you are truly ready to change everything in your life (if necessary), to grow and mature next to her and become closer to your true being, when you realize that this person (with all with your faults and virtues) irreplaceable for you (just as you are) you can understand that the whole life becomes absolutely meaningless if such a connection is broken for some reason and that there is nothing in the world that can compensate you for that feeling of wholeness and completeness that you have when you are with that person. Only the one who has experienced this can understand this. So not a simple connection as a connection, but such a special connection is what, if it is broken, can cause the complete meaninglessness of everything.

 

[freakypossum]

Breakup is what pushed me into total despair and how I ended up here.

 

[WhiteRabbit]

It's the sense of emptiness, loneliness, and rejection. You get used to that person, and then it falls apart or gets ripped away. It's like there's a hole in your life, and sometimes, it can take a long time to move on.

 

[divinemistress36]

Ive never met someone who was very special they all have ended up being jerks so I dont understand either. I think its rare people meet the real love of their life. I imagine those that want to ctb over someone were already in a lot of pain beforehand and the relationship ending just made it worse. I think when we are depressed we can cling onto an illusion to someone that they are cooler than they really are its hard to see younger people on here saying they want to ctb over love, people fall in love and out through all their life. My massage therapist didnt meet her real soulmate till she was 37 after 2 failed marriages

 

[OptingOutSmiling]

Exactly like @Valhala said. Until last year, I also had no empathy, perhaps no heart, growing up with no love, etc. Then I found a person who really drew me out from my shell, who wanted to get to know me as a person, better than I know myself. My whole world started to revolve around this person, but still I was afraid to really let him in and did not even understand that feelings could be mutual. I did not understand that real love is only when you accept that the other person feels the same and you completely let your guard down. This person broke down invisible walls around me, which I had for some reason built to protect myself.

Apologies to carry on about my story here, just that in a world full of hate, I know it is hard to believe that there is still love and good people out there, and it is sad that we are so closed to the idea because of life experiences. And it is sad that younger people don't see many examples of this.

I realised the intensity of all these feelings too late, just when this person had given up on me. He had committed to leave for another continent, and it was like my world literally ended. As if a whole part of me was ripped from me, as if there is no way I could continue in a world without him because there is no sense. A missing puzzle piece staring at me, or a permanent big black hole where he is supposed to be. It was not our relationship that came to an end, but my whole world stopped, like @purelydaft said, a rug was pulled from under me.

So yes, I honestly did not understand before how people could "lose" it with a divorce or similar. And I also don't think this happens to everyone, I count myself almost "lucky" to have found someone who made me feel what love is. It took me many years and quite possibly I may never have found it if our paths hadn't crossed. It's not about feeling lonely, it's about being incomplete, with no future. I was fine for many years by myself, until this person became my everything.

To summarise, I found you guys when I lost this person. It's still surreal, like in the movies or in a fairy tale. I thought I knew what it was to love someone, but I only really found out what love is, when I allowed someone to love me back and to be open to receiving that love. I'm only still here now, because I've also left for another continent, knowing that I would not have been able to live in my old world without him. I'm still suicidal, but to a lesser degree depending on how bad my days get. Yesterday was really bad, and the future seems very black at times. I've written goodbye notes, the plan is still there, and it gives me comfort to know that for when the time may come.

Then, to make this even more surreal is that in our case, we found each other again just before his departure when it was too late to undo the process of leaving for us both. So now we are apart in great distance, and in impossible circumstances, with this slim hope that we may somehow overcome the situation we find ourselves in. Just like in fairy tales, princes and true love exist, same as curses and all the rest. That is how you all also came to be a part of this tale. Thank you for being here for me in my darkest of days. I've grown so much since I discovered all of this, and hope that for someone out there, it may make a difference before it could be too late.

 

[futurecorpse]

As someone with bpd, if I get really attached to someone (a romantic favorite person) and they end up rejecting/abandoning me, I will spiral downward and suicidal ideation can turn into an attempt. I have ptsd because many people have rejected and abandoned me, or hurt me in indescribable ways. The pain is excruciating and when I'm in crisis mode, the only way out is if I kms. My bpd symptoms are a little better, but a toxic fp is still a major trigger. It's why I make a the effort to keep to myself. My childhood and adolescent years were filled with abuse, neglect, rejection, and abandonment. I have every right to be an uncaring pos, but I'm not.

I guess consider yourself lucky in that aspect. Even though you were left alone a lot despite having caring parents, you're okay with being on your own and don't struggle with loneliness. But everyone's story is different and people will cope differently than you.

 

[Bruce]

Well I guess one way to describe it would be: Shared joy is double joy while shared sorrow is half sorrow.

 

[Valhala]

Exactly like @Valhala said. Until last year, I also had no empathy, perhaps no heart, growing up with no love, etc. Then I found a person who really drew me out from my shell, who wanted to get to know me as a person, better than I know myself. My whole world started to revolve around this person, but still I was afraid to really let him in and did not even understand that feelings could be mutual. I did not understand that real love is only when you accept that the other person feels the same and you completely let your guard down. This person broke down invisible walls around me, which I had for some reason built to protect myself.

Apologies to carry on about my story here, just that in a world full of hate, I know it is hard to believe that there is still love and good people out there, and it is sad that we are so closed to the idea because of life experiences. And it is sad that younger people don't see many examples of this.

I realised the intensity of all these feelings too late, just when this person had given up on me. He had committed to leave for another continent, and it was like my world literally ended. As if a whole part of me was ripped from me, as if there is no way I could continue in a world without him because there is no sense. A missing puzzle piece staring at me, or a permanent big black hole where he is supposed to be. It was not our relationship that came to an end, but my whole world stopped, like @purelydaft said, a rug was pulled from under me.

So yes, I honestly did not understand before how people could "lose" it with a divorce or similar. And I also don't think this happens to everyone, I count myself almost "lucky" to have found someone who made me feel what love is. It took me many years and quite possibly I may never have found it if our paths hadn't crossed. It's not about feeling lonely, it's about being incomplete, with no future. I was fine for many years by myself, until this person became my everything.

To summarise, I found you guys when I lost this person. It's still surreal, like in the movies or in a fairy tale. I thought I knew what it was to love someone, but I only really found out what love is, when I allowed someone to love me back and to be open to receiving that love. I'm only still here now, because I've also left for another continent, knowing that I would not have been able to live in my old world without him. I'm still suicidal, but to a lesser degree depending on how bad my days get. Yesterday was really bad, and the future seems very black at times. I've written goodbye notes, the plan is still there, and it gives me comfort to know that for when the time may come.

Then, to make this even more surreal is that in our case, we found each other again just before his departure when it was too late to undo the process of leaving for us both. So now we are apart in great distance, and in impossible circumstances, with this slim hope that we may somehow overcome the situation we find ourselves in. Just like in fairy tales, princes and true love exist, same as curses and all the rest. That is how you all also came to be a part of this tale. Thank you for being here for me in my darkest of days. I've grown so much since I discovered all of this, and hope that for someone out there, it may make a difference before it could be too late.

How wonderful it would be if a miracle happened and we could be with our loved ones again. For the last year, only faith and hope in that kept me here. Although I know that all hopes are false, the hope of being together again will give me the strength to I somehow survive the agony and suffering that I went through without her. And over time, the desire for her became even greater and missing her became unbearable. The only consolation left for me are my dreams, I dream of her often and in the dream we always reconcile and be together, again, happy. I know that I am as special to her as she is to me and whatever happens I know that nothing can change this fact. No other person, life situation or anything.. and life without her is bare to the point of meaninglessness is no longer life but only suffering and torment.

 

[Bruce]

maybe I'm a cold-hearted person, maybe I lack empathy

I don't know you so I don't know if you are like that or not but most people in relationships are like that. Being in a relationship does not mean you are a good person.

a relationship (or lack thereof) wouldn't make me suicidal

I'm happy for you! : ) I'm different, I'm here and I decided to end it because of a failed relationship. The sense of loss is indescribable!

that relationship permeates through every aspect of your life

An honest relationship, yes. This! Is sooo true!

For a severely depressed person especially, it can be overwhelming and the last push into suicide.

You get it!

I think it's about the impact of never finding the same person again…

It's about how perfect existence was and how it will never be again ...

How can someone's world fall apart just because a relationship didn't work out?

I saw the sun, I felt the sun! Did you know that the sun gives light and warmth? I didn't know that. Anyway, it's not that important anymore since I haven't seen it in years. Maybe I don't deserve it's light and warmth.

Only if you meet that person with whom you get along in a special way, even without words and because of which you are truly ready to change everything in your life (if necessary), to grow and mature next to her and become closer to your true being, when you realize that this person (with all with your faults and virtues) irreplaceable for you (just as you are) you can understand that the whole life becomes absolutely meaningless if such a connection is broken for some reason and that there is nothing in the world that can compensate you for that feeling of wholeness and completeness that you have when you are with that person. Only the one who has experienced this can understand this. So not a simple connection as a connection, but such a special connection is what, if it is broken, can cause the complete meaninglessness of everything.

I understand this. : )

Then I found a person who really drew me out from my shell, who wanted to get to know me as a person, better than I know myself. My whole world started to revolve around this person, but still I was afraid to really let him in and did not even understand that feelings could be mutual. I did not understand that real love is only when you accept that the other person feels the same and you completely let your guard down. This person broke down invisible walls around me, which I had for some reason built to protect myself.

Yes yes exactly! I was in the same situation, I had this hard shell built.. but slowly it cracked. I didn't know what was happening for years.

in a world full of hate, I know it is hard to believe that there is still love and good people out there, and it is sad that we are so closed to the idea because of life experiences.

I don't believe it anymore.

I realised the intensity of all these feelings too late, just when this person had given up on me. He had committed to leave for another continent, and it was like my world literally ended. As if a whole part of me was ripped from me, as if there is no way I could continue in a world without him because there is no sense. A missing puzzle piece staring at me, or a permanent big black hole where he is supposed to be. It was not our relationship that came to an end, but my whole world stopped, like @purelydaft said, a rug was pulled from under me.

Exactly! This was real! They are not just a person, they are your world. So few people understand this ...

How wonderful it would be if a miracle happened and we could be with our loved ones again. For the last year, only faith and hope in that kept me here. Although I know that all hopes are false, the hope of being together again will give me the strength to I somehow survive the agony and suffering that I went through without her. And over time, the desire for her became even greater and missing her became unbearable. The only consolation left for me are my dreams, I dream of her often and in the dream we always reconcile and be together, again, happy. I know that I am as special to her as she is to me and whatever happens I know that nothing can change this fact. No other person, life situation or anything.. and life without her is bare to the point of meaninglessness is no longer life but only suffering and torment.

I hoped and hoped for two years and a half. Almost every day I thought about her. Recently though, my hopes were shattered and now a date is set. Spring is a good season to die.

I'm sorry about your pain! : (

 

[areyousafe??]

I don't know you so I don't know if you are like that or not but most people in relationships are like that. Being in a relationship does not mean you are a good person.


I'm happy for you! : ) I'm different, I'm here and I decided to end it because of a failed relationship. The sense of loss is indescribable!


An honest relationship, yes. This! Is sooo true!


You get it!


It's about how perfect existence was and how it will never be again ...


I saw the sun, I felt the sun! Did you know that the sun gives light and warmth? I didn't know that. Anyway, it's not that important anymore since I haven't seen it in years. Maybe I don't deserve it's light and warmth.


I understand this. : )


Yes yes exactly! I was in the same situation, I had this hard shell built.. but slowly it cracked. I didn't know what was happening for years.


I don't believe it anymore.


Exactly! This was real! They are not just a person, they are your world. So few people understand this ...


I hoped and hoped for two years and a half. Almost every day I thought about her. Recently though, my hopes were shattered and now a date is set. Spring is a good season to die.

I'm sorry about your pain! : (

I never thought anyone can possibly love me, so I never sought out the sun. That's why I don't know how the sun feels because I have never been there. I'm sorry to hear that it is so painful when it ends.

 

[lawlietsph]

I thought I'll share my experience. But these are just my thoughts, it might be irrelevant
So for me, I was never ever loved by anyone. Never. Not by parents, not by relatives, not by my sibling, not by anyone. I've spent my whole life without being loved. As a sensitive, deeply fragile and empathetic human, I crave some kind of love and connection.
So when I first fell in love and it seemed like he loves me back, it was like drug to me. Literally, just like drug. It fucks up your brain chemistry, you feel like you are in ecstasy. At least I've felt like that.
So when he decided to abandon me, and completely removed himself from my life, I was left there like an addict without any drug. There was no way I could ever get my hands on this drug again. It disappeared, it's nowhere to be found. My perfect love, all the attention and care I got from him was gone.
Suddenly I was a 6 years old little girl again who couldn't understand why her mother is not talking to her for weeks and why is she not hugging her back, why her father is yelling again, threatening to destroy her favourite toys and plushies.
I went back to this state. I am just a child. I am worthless. Mom is angry at me, so I don't deserve to be loved, I deserve to be beaten. I am not a boy, so I don't deserve my dad's love either. The other kids looking at me with disgust, because I have psoriasis. I am disgusting, I spread diseases. I deserve bad things, but not love. I am nothing, just bad.

When you finally get love from someone, it's like Christmas morning. It's like biting into a piece of delicious food after a 6 hour long hike. It's like finally feeling the taste of water in your mouth when it's burning hot outside. It's awesome. Maaan, this guy loves me. He looks at me and he tells me how beautiful I am. I never heard in my entire life before that I am beautiful. Woooow! He talks a lot about how he wants to marry me and dance with me every night until we grow old together. He's promising me that he will be by my side on my hardest days. He reminds me every day how amazing and beautiful I am. Hm, I wonder... Maybe I'm not that ugly, worthless and bad after all...? I feel amazing!

Then CRASH.

One random tuesday he stops loving you. He is a completely different person. Who is this? What happened? What's going on?
But you never get answers. He is cold. He says "You are actually very ugly and disgusting and I think you should kill yourself if you really want to."

You die inside. The world goes quiet, all you can hear is your own heartbeat. No, he did not just say this. That's impossible.
Then he blocks and deletes you from social media and from his life.
Yesterday I was loved, he just told me how he can't wait to marry me.
Today I am told to kill myself.
Okay.
I was loved for a little bit. It was the best feeling ever. Now nobody loves me anymore. I truly am disgusting, ugly, and I deserve the worst death possible.
I am a little child again. Mom doesn't love me, dad doesn't love me. I have no friends, nobody wants to play with me. My boyfriend thinks I am ugly, disgusting and he wants me to die. I have no reason to live anymore.

It would've been better to NEVER experience love, because now it's a million times worse.

Unfortunately this is how much a relationship can mean to me. Not because of romance, flirting, sexual bs, none of that. Just love, I just want pure love and I can't have it anymore.
I'm confused, am I pretty or ugly? What is going on?
Nothing matters. If I can't have his love, then there is no reason for me to breathe anymore.

I am sorry, as i've said maybe this is totally irrelevant. I apologize. It felt good to vent a tiny bit.

 

[human909]

If i understand correctly people usually ctb due to lack of relationship because the person meant the whole world to them. every single second of there life and if they got broken up with that person hurts like bad and feels like they will never feel happiness again.

 

[areyousafe??]

I thought I'll share my experience. But these are just my thoughts, it might be irrelevant
So for me, I was never ever loved by anyone. Never. Not by parents, not by relatives, not by my sibling, not by anyone. I've spent my whole life without being loved. As a sensitive, deeply fragile and empathetic human, I crave some kind of love and connection.
So when I first fell in love and it seemed like he loves me back, it was like drug to me. Literally, just like drug. It fucks up your brain chemistry, you feel like you are in ecstasy. At least I've felt like that.
So when he decided to abandon me, and completely removed himself from my life, I was left there like an addict without any drug. There was no way I could ever get my hands on this drug again. It disappeared, it's nowhere to be found. My perfect love, all the attention and care I got from him was gone.
Suddenly I was a 6 years old little girl again who couldn't understand why her mother is not talking to her for weeks and why is she not hugging her back, why her father is yelling again, threatening to destroy her favourite toys and plushies.
I went back to this state. I am just a child. I am worthless. Mom is angry at me, so I don't deserve to be loved, I deserve to be beaten. I am not a boy, so I don't deserve my dad's love either. The other kids looking at me with disgust, because I have psoriasis. I am disgusting, I spread diseases. I deserve bad things, but not love. I am nothing, just bad.

When you finally get love from someone, it's like Christmas morning. It's like biting into a piece of delicious food after a 6 hour long hike. It's like finally feeling the taste of water in your mouth when it's burning hot outside. It's awesome. Maaan, this guy loves me. He looks at me and he tells me how beautiful I am. I never heard in my entire life before that I am beautiful. Woooow! He talks a lot about how he wants to marry me and dance with me every night until we grow old together. He's promising me that he will be by my side on my hardest days. He reminds me every day how amazing and beautiful I am. Hm, I wonder... Maybe I'm not that ugly, worthless and bad after all...? I feel amazing!

Then CRASH.

One random tuesday he stops loving you. He is a completely different person. Who is this? What happened? What's going on?
But you never get answers. He is cold. He says "You are actually very ugly and disgusting and I think you should kill yourself if you really want to."

You die inside. The world goes quiet, all you can hear is your own heartbeat. No, he did not just say this. That's impossible.
Then he blocks and deletes you from social media and from his life.
Yesterday I was loved, he just told me how he can't wait to marry me.
Today I am told to kill myself.
Okay.
I was loved for a little bit. It was the best feeling ever. Now nobody loves me anymore. I truly am disgusting, ugly, and I deserve the worst death possible.
I am a little child again. Mom doesn't love me, dad doesn't love me. I have no friends, nobody wants to play with me. My boyfriend thinks I am ugly, disgusting and he wants me to die. I have no reason to live anymore.

It would've been better to NEVER experience love, because now it's a million times worse.

Unfortunately this is how much a relationship can mean to me. Not because of romance, flirting, sexual bs, none of that. Just love, I just want pure love and I can't have it anymore.
I'm confused, am I pretty or ugly? What is going on?
Nothing matters. If I can't have his love, then there is no reason for me to breathe anymore.

I am sorry, as i've said maybe this is totally irrelevant. I apologize. It felt good to vent a tiny bit.

You explained things really well.

I've come to realise that I become very attached to anyone who is kind to me, or anyone who show that they care, mainly because I never felt this from my family when I grew up. They might "love" me, or say that they "love" me, I just don't feel it so the words feel empty and meaningless. So I become attached to anyone who is willing to take the time to listen to me, ask how my day went etc. You start to think that maybe someone cares and it's painful to realise that they don't.

 

[Alek1=]

It's definitely harder to understand if you werent with someone your entire life. It's like losing a family member, sometimes even worse. I never had anyone too but I talked with people that were left by someone close to their heart and it's very sad.

 

[masquerade]

For me, my girlfriend gives me a reason to live, the only reason to live. I wouldn't be alive without her, every second I'm with her, all of my problems go away

 

[Valhala]

I thought I'll share my experience. But these are just my thoughts, it might be irrelevant
So for me, I was never ever loved by anyone. Never. Not by parents, not by relatives, not by my sibling, not by anyone. I've spent my whole life without being loved. As a sensitive, deeply fragile and empathetic human, I crave some kind of love and connection.
So when I first fell in love and it seemed like he loves me back, it was like drug to me. Literally, just like drug. It fucks up your brain chemistry, you feel like you are in ecstasy. At least I've felt like that.
So when he decided to abandon me, and completely removed himself from my life, I was left there like an addict without any drug. There was no way I could ever get my hands on this drug again. It disappeared, it's nowhere to be found. My perfect love, all the attention and care I got from him was gone.
Suddenly I was a 6 years old little girl again who couldn't understand why her mother is not talking to her for weeks and why is she not hugging her back, why her father is yelling again, threatening to destroy her favourite toys and plushies.
I went back to this state. I am just a child. I am worthless. Mom is angry at me, so I don't deserve to be loved, I deserve to be beaten. I am not a boy, so I don't deserve my dad's love either. The other kids looking at me with disgust, because I have psoriasis. I am disgusting, I spread diseases. I deserve bad things, but not love. I am nothing, just bad.

When you finally get love from someone, it's like Christmas morning. It's like biting into a piece of delicious food after a 6 hour long hike. It's like finally feeling the taste of water in your mouth when it's burning hot outside. It's awesome. Maaan, this guy loves me. He looks at me and he tells me how beautiful I am. I never heard in my entire life before that I am beautiful. Woooow! He talks a lot about how he wants to marry me and dance with me every night until we grow old together. He's promising me that he will be by my side on my hardest days. He reminds me every day how amazing and beautiful I am. Hm, I wonder... Maybe I'm not that ugly, worthless and bad after all...? I feel amazing!

Then CRASH.

One random tuesday he stops loving you. He is a completely different person. Who is this? What happened? What's going on?
But you never get answers. He is cold. He says "You are actually very ugly and disgusting and I think you should kill yourself if you really want to."

You die inside. The world goes quiet, all you can hear is your own heartbeat. No, he did not just say this. That's impossible.
Then he blocks and deletes you from social media and from his life.
Yesterday I was loved, he just told me how he can't wait to marry me.
Today I am told to kill myself.
Okay.
I was loved for a little bit. It was the best feeling ever. Now nobody loves me anymore. I truly am disgusting, ugly, and I deserve the worst death possible.
I am a little child again. Mom doesn't love me, dad doesn't love me. I have no friends, nobody wants to play with me. My boyfriend thinks I am ugly, disgusting and he wants me to die. I have no reason to live anymore.

It would've been better to NEVER experience love, because now it's a million times worse.

Unfortunately this is how much a relationship can mean to me. Not because of romance, flirting, sexual bs, none of that. Just love, I just want pure love and I can't have it anymore.
I'm confused, am I pretty or ugly? What is going on?
Nothing matters. If I can't have his love, then there is no reason for me to breathe anymore.

I am sorry, as i've said maybe this is totally irrelevant. I apologize. It felt good to vent a tiny bit.

Now imagine a similar situation, only I was the one leaving and blocking, due to the enormous pressure of external circumstances, impatience and after I ended my marriage of ten years because of her. I blocked her and I loved her and I knew that I could not live without her, I blocked her because our plans weren't happening fast enough. I made a mistake and came back when I couldn't even breathe without her. I didn't really want to leave her I just wanted things to speed up. I left three times from her and she could never forgive me for that, she is too sensitive and I, in the state I was in, could not understand it in the right way. And how much we loved each other endlessly and were unique and necessary to each other. Everything was the result of mistakes in communication due to the incredible intensity of our feelings. She was no longer able to trust me, to believe in me how much I truly love her infinitely and that I would literally do anything for her. I love her so much that everything has become meaningless to me without her, for that love and for my mistakes I'm ready and die, if necessary. And after that, yes, I had offers, several women loved me and wanted to be with me. However, after her (and it's been more than a year now) I refused them all and I neither could nor wanted to to be with no one else. My heart truly loves only her and she is the only one for me. I am still faithful to her even though we have not been together for a long time, I am faithful to her because I cannot do otherwise, I am faithful to her because I love only her, as I have not never nobody.

 

[arandomname]

Now imagine a similar situation, only I was the one leaving and blocking, due to the enormous pressure of external circumstances, impatience and after I ended my marriage of ten years because of her. I blocked her and I loved her and I knew that I could not live without her, I blocked her because our plans weren't happening fast enough. I made a mistake and came back when I couldn't even breathe without her. I didn't really want to leave her I just wanted things to speed up. I left three times from her and she could never forgive me for that, she is too sensitive and I, in the state I was in, could not understand it in the right way. And how much we loved each other endlessly and were unique and necessary to each other. Everything was the result of mistakes in communication due to the incredible intensity of our feelings. She was no longer able to trust me, to believe in me how much I truly love her infinitely and that I would literally do anything for her. I love her so much that everything has become meaningless to me without her, for that love and for my mistakes I'm ready and die, if necessary. And after that, yes, I had offers, several women loved me and wanted to be with me. However, after her (and it's been more than a year now) I refused them all and I neither could nor wanted to to be with no one else. My heart truly loves only her and she is the only one for me. I am still faithful to her even though we have not been together for a long time, I am faithful to her because I cannot do otherwise, I am faithful to her because I love only her, as I have not never nobody.

I am in a similar position only I never left but she would as a "test". When I failed the test I was blocked everywhere and haven't heard from them since. It hurts that someone can just cut off all communication like that.

 

[Bruce]

I never thought anyone can possibly love me, so I never sought out the sun. That's why I don't know how the sun feels because I have never been there. I'm sorry to hear that it is so painful when it ends.

You don't know if anyone can possibly love you until / unless it happens. It's random. You never seek the sun, it just.. finds you. .. Sometimes it's better if you never see the light, feel the warmth because if when it's gone.. then you know what you're missing, and it's so dark when you're alone. It's like you were born blind, then you gained sight and then it was taken from you. But if you do, find the sun, and if you stay with it then all I can say is "Be prepared to appreciate what you meet."

 

[NoPoint2Life]

For me, my ideation totally started after a break up when I was in my 20s. I was convinced afterwards I would eventually CTB with a bottle of Tylenol PM. Good thing I never tried.

But I just remember being so so so happy when I met this guy. It's like I was floating on air. Then we broke up and it's like you go back to your empty life and it just seems so much more empty sad and hopeless

Actually, I met this guy a few days before Christmas. I remember it being like the best Christmas ever because I was so happy. When we broke up a few months later, I can't tell you how much I despised Christmas for so many years because all It did was remind me of that happiness which I knew I would never feel again. And yeah, I think I went on like two dates in the decade after that.

 

[MeowTheFlemishCat]

This is a generalization and doesn't apply to every case but from what I can tell it's usually one of two reasons. Like @purelydaft noted above, there are scenarios where a relationship is very integrated into someone's life and so it's end forces lifestyle changes and/or has a negative impact on several parts of someone's life. I can imagine this is especially true of people who are cohabitating, or share a social circle during a nasty breakup, for example. Even worse if married or have kids together.

On the other hand, it's also often youth, especially when it's someone's first relationship. Those feelings are very new and intense and some people are much more sensitive to the pain caused by heartbreak.

If you want a personal example, I've never had an actual relationship (which is a bummer), but when I was 17 I had a very brief online LDR and got fucked up over it and suicidal for quite a while. In hindsight it's pathetic and embarassing but it really tore me up, especially since I never experienced anything like that before and had been craving some kind of romance, and given I was a loser autist with no social skills I understood I'll never have the best prospects. It was also fairly messy, and ruined my stupid little internet social circle (im not going to pretend I was innocent, I and everyone else involved all kinda sucked. There were no good guys).

I don't want to judge people for why they want to ctb but I'll be upfront and say I regret letting that "breakup" (if you could call it that) effect me as much as it did. Especially since nowadays I have much more valid, serious and reasonable issues that make me wanna ctb relative to that.

But I hope this clarifies something and I'm super sorry for the overly long personal example.

How long ago did the internet relationship happen? Was this when the internet was still fairly new?

 

[OptingOutSmiling]

How wonderful it would be if a miracle happened and we could be with our loved ones again. For the last year, only faith and hope in that kept me here. Although I know that all hopes are false, the hope of being together again will give me the strength to I somehow survive the agony and suffering that I went through without her. And over time, the desire for her became even greater and missing her became unbearable. The only consolation left for me are my dreams, I dream of her often and in the dream we always reconcile and be together, again, happy. I know that I am as special to her as she is to me and whatever happens I know that nothing can change this fact. No other person, life situation or anything.. and life without her is bare to the point of meaninglessness is no longer life but only suffering and torment.

It would be heaven on earth if a reunion could happen. Every single moment to be treasured, and never ever letting go again. It would be like two souls being meshed together again, but different this time. Without letting any possibility of any kind of misunderstanding ever happen again. Only acting and responding in love, nothing else, no explanations needed, simple understanding and nothing but continuous precious moments. A simple life of being together in peace for the rest of days. Not looking back ever again, just living in the gift of the present.

Do you feel guilty in considering to ctb, leaving her behind in this world? Knowing that if you ctb it would break her heart? I would only do that when I know for sure there is no option left for me, in that I see no way forward whatsoever. I know it would break him to pieces, but if I simply cannot continue with the reality of life, I will have to. The only hope left then, that we may meet again somehow in a life after this one.

I hoped and hoped for two years and a half. Almost every day I thought about her. Recently though, my hopes were shattered and now a date is set. Spring is a good season to die.

I'm truly sorry that it has come to this for you.

 

[sximii]

I've never been in a relationship, but I can easily imagine why I might. Not solely because of the relationship though. For me, loving someone and knowing they love me back (romantically) is one thing that might make the suffering bearable sometimes. So if they are gone, that means there is nothing left anymore. I'll be honest I also find it a bit weird that some people will want to ctb JUST because of a romantic relationship and nothing else