I don't understand relationships and why people would ctb over them

[banger12]

How long ago did the internet relationship happen? Was this when the internet was still fairly new?

This was like late-2019 to like early 2020. Not at all new. Just embarrassing. Why do you ask?

 

[Valhala]

It would be heaven on earth if a reunion could happen. Every single moment to be treasured, and never ever letting go again. It would be like two souls being meshed together again, but different this time. Without letting any possibility of any kind of misunderstanding ever happen again. Only acting and responding in love, nothing else, no explanations needed, simple understanding and nothing but continuous precious moments. A simple life of being together in peace for the rest of days. Not looking back ever again, just living in the gift of the present.

Do you feel guilty in considering to ctb, leaving her behind in this world? Knowing that if you ctb it would break her heart? I would only do that when I know for sure there is no option left for me, in that I see no way forward whatsoever. I know it would break him to pieces, but if I simply cannot continue with the reality of life, I will have to. The only hope left then, that we may meet again somehow in a life after this one.

I'm truly sorry that it has come to this for you.

It's such an ambivalent question. On the one hand, I would like her to know that I'm doing this because my life without her is absolutely meaningless, and to finally understand that I really and immensely love her (which she doesn't believe). On the other hand, if I CTB her could also interpret it as my "surrender" and my final escape from her, as I still did not love her enough to fight for her. For this reason, I am still not sure how to act, that is, until all the options for our eventual reconciliation and reunion. I might even do it somewhere far away, on the other side of the world, having previously destroyed my personal documents and thus simply "disappeared". It's been a year since I've been with her and the desire for her and the pain without her is all larger and does not decrease over time.

 

[Kibby]

its simple, your hormones are insane when u like someone so when its over it feels like ur life is over + think of a close friend leaving u with extra insane schizo drama + web of friends drama spreading hate etc. its much more common with relationships than friendships cos thats the nature of it its more toxic and volatile. well I cant rly comment cos i dont have experience but its just what ive seen heard and read.

 

[conflagration]

I was the one who tried to CTB twice when my first relationship ended.
When you have not been loved as a child you will do EVERYTHING to experience this love as an adult. When a loving relationship ends it feels like half of you has died so you might be dead as well.

 

[Miss_Anthropy]

You aren't lonely enough.

 

[Kyotospade]

The simple answer is the emotions , the feelings you get with someone .

 

[OptingOutSmiling]

It's such an ambivalent question. On the one hand, I would like her to know that I'm doing this because my life without her is absolutely meaningless, and to finally understand that I really and immensely love her (which she doesn't believe). On the other hand, if I CTB her could also interpret it as my "surrender" and my final escape from her, as I still did not love her enough to fight for her. For this reason, I am still not sure how to act, that is, until all the options for our eventual reconciliation and reunion. I might even do it somewhere far away, on the other side of the world, having previously destroyed my personal documents and thus simply "disappeared". It's been a year since I've been with her and the desire for her and the pain without her is all larger and does not decrease over time.

It is a difficult one, yes. If I go it would be because I can't support myself financially due to our stupidity in leaving in the first place. I do still believe in us, but his situation will take time for us to be together. Such madness when people simply want to be together but can't. All the best to you. I'm here if you want to chat

 

[Valhala]

It is a difficult one, yes. If I go it would be because I can't support myself financially due to our stupidity in leaving in the first place. I do still believe in us, but his situation will take time for us to be together. Such madness when people simply want to be together but can't. All the best to you. I'm here if you want to chat

I understand you completely. Sometimes I feel like I should pay for my mistakes, like my CTB should be my punishment. I am aware of the intensity of attraction and chemistry that existed and still exists between us, I am aware that between us it's not over no matter how much she blocks all possible contact now. She prevents all contact for this very reason because she herself is aware that contact between us would result in our togetherness again because the attraction and compatibility is too great. And she doesn't trust me that I really love her and she assumes that after some time I would leave her again. Distrust in me and disappointment generate anger that gives her the strength to persist in blocking our contact and communication. There is no way for me to approach her and talk to her, even if I try explain some things, honestly. That's actually what hurts me the most, but I understand her, I guess that's some proof that I really love her. This is a terrible agony, a stalemate from which I can't see a way out. Without her, there's nothing in my life anymore sense, to forget it and stop I can't love her, and all access to her is impossible. Sometimes I think that any contact between us would be enough even if we weren't together, I miss our, so special conversations and the exchange of energy between us. I miss her voice, her words and her thoughts, I even miss her anger and her reproaches, the way she gets angry and the way she laughs, everything related to her, both the good and the bad, everything...

 

[divinemistress36]

its simple, your hormones are insane when u like someone so when its over it feels like ur life is over + think of a close friend leaving u with extra insane schizo drama + web of friends drama spreading hate etc. its much more common with relationships than friendships cos thats the nature of it its more toxic and volatile. well I cant rly comment cos i dont have experience but its just what ive seen heard and read.

Oxytocin

 

[Valhala]

Oxytocin

And phenylethylamine

 

[Kibby]

Yes. Crazy how some hormones can cause so much grief

Oxytocin

 

[Reflection]

I'll be honest I also find it a bit weird that some people will want to ctb JUST because of a romantic relationship and nothing else

I never understood it until it was my turn, in fact I found it ludicrous to want to end your life because if that reason, but now the joke's on me lol.

Seriously though, for me it has been 1 year and four months since she left, I can cope with her absence to an extent even though it's hard, I also can still enjoy other aspects of life. But what happens once she finds someone to live her life with? For me that's the real torture, and it hasn't even begun yet. It also hits harder because we were each other's firsts, it's like you have this beautiful thing in your heart that's being mercilessly defiled and all you can do is sit down and watch.

 

[OptingOutSmiling]

I understand you completely. Sometimes I feel like I should pay for my mistakes, like my CTB should be my punishment. I am aware of the intensity of attraction and chemistry that existed and still exists between us, I am aware that between us it's not over no matter how much she blocks all possible contact now. She prevents all contact for this very reason because she herself is aware that contact between us would result in our togetherness again because the attraction and compatibility is too great. And she doesn't trust me that I really love her and she assumes that after some time I would leave her again. Distrust in me and disappointment generate anger that gives her the strength to persist in blocking our contact and communication. There is no way for me to approach her and talk to her, even if I try explain some things, honestly. That's actually what hurts me the most, but I understand her, I guess that's some proof that I really love her. This is a terrible agony, a stalemate from which I can't see a way out. Without her, there's nothing in my life anymore sense, to forget it and stop I can't love her, and all access to her is impossible. Sometimes I think that any contact between us would be enough even if we weren't together, I miss our, so special conversations and the exchange of energy between us. I miss her voice, her words and her thoughts, I even miss her anger and her reproaches, the way she gets angry and the way she laughs, everything related to her, both the good and the bad, everything...

I feel you and the situation is so unnecessary. All the what if's, could've, should've, etc scenarios are also killing me. I hope for you that the universe will intervene and bring you on the same path again. I'm lucky at this point to still have contact with my love. And in my less dark days, I really try to focus and remain positive even if the possibility of a future is so slim. I believe that the universe is larger than life's wrongness and because of this I feel the "greater power" of the universe won't allow for wrongness to continue indefinitely, especially cause this kind of love is so rare. It's almost like you said a curse not to be together. Like the prince and princess in fairy tales are sometimes doomed. And I know it's extremely difficult to keep on believing, but it's also all we have to hang on to. It's really sad that she doesn't trust you at this point and I hope that there may still be a change in these circumstances, to allow for another chance in the short life we have here. Sending you hugs

 

[Valhala]

I feel you and the situation is so unnecessary. All the what if's, could've, should've, etc scenarios are also killing me. I hope for you that the universe will intervene and bring you on the same path again. I'm lucky at this point to still have contact with my love. And in my less dark days, I really try to focus and remain positive even if the possibility of a future is so slim. I believe that the universe is larger than life's wrongness and because of this I feel the "greater power" of the universe won't allow for wrongness to continue indefinitely, especially cause this kind of love is so rare. It's almost like you said a curse not to be together. Like the prince and princess in fairy tales are sometimes doomed. And I know it's extremely difficult to keep on believing, but it's also all we have to hang on to. It's really sad that she doesn't trust you at this point and I hope that there may still be a change in these circumstances, to allow for another chance in the short life we have here. Sending you hugs

It's terrible for me that she doesn't trust me, but I can understand her reasons because I know her sensitivity and gentle soul. I will never forgive myself for disappointing her and allowing some difficult external circumstances and pressures to force those wrong decisions from me when I tried to break up with regardless of all the sacrifices I made for our love (I ended my marriage of ten years so that we could be together) I was not patient enough and did not consider her gentle and sensitive nature that needed more time for some big steps. I know I made a mistake and I bitterly regret it. When we met for the first time we immediately "recognized" each other and everything started violently and unstoppable at that moment. I remember how I told her, if ever in life you are with someone else and I am with someone else, and besides, I would like us to never break some kind of contact between us. She then replied that it would be very sad. let us not be together. Unfortunately, today I live that sadness and I don't know how long I will have the strength for it. I was hoping all this time, hoping and trying in the most different ways to re-establish contact. and I feel guilty because she is the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me in my life. Thank you for your good wishes, but I don't know if I can even think about the fact that we will be together again because then I get so carried away that the fall into the terrible everyday life is even more terrible.

 

[NonEssential]

Seeing people have friends and partners, having fun together, making great memories together and all that fuels me with self-hatred. I don't hate others for it, just myself.

 

[Ashu]

<Tired with all these, from these would I be gone,
Save that to die, I leave my love alone.>

 

[Ezpz0109]

I thought I'll share my experience. But these are just my thoughts, it might be irrelevant
So for me, I was never ever loved by anyone. Never. Not by parents, not by relatives, not by my sibling, not by anyone. I've spent my whole life without being loved. As a sensitive, deeply fragile and empathetic human, I crave some kind of love and connection.
So when I first fell in love and it seemed like he loves me back, it was like drug to me. Literally, just like drug. It fucks up your brain chemistry, you feel like you are in ecstasy. At least I've felt like that.
So when he decided to abandon me, and completely removed himself from my life, I was left there like an addict without any drug. There was no way I could ever get my hands on this drug again. It disappeared, it's nowhere to be found. My perfect love, all the attention and care I got from him was gone.
Suddenly I was a 6 years old little girl again who couldn't understand why her mother is not talking to her for weeks and why is she not hugging her back, why her father is yelling again, threatening to destroy her favourite toys and plushies.
I went back to this state. I am just a child. I am worthless. Mom is angry at me, so I don't deserve to be loved, I deserve to be beaten. I am not a boy, so I don't deserve my dad's love either. The other kids looking at me with disgust, because I have psoriasis. I am disgusting, I spread diseases. I deserve bad things, but not love. I am nothing, just bad.

When you finally get love from someone, it's like Christmas morning. It's like biting into a piece of delicious food after a 6 hour long hike. It's like finally feeling the taste of water in your mouth when it's burning hot outside. It's awesome. Maaan, this guy loves me. He looks at me and he tells me how beautiful I am. I never heard in my entire life before that I am beautiful. Woooow! He talks a lot about how he wants to marry me and dance with me every night until we grow old together. He's promising me that he will be by my side on my hardest days. He reminds me every day how amazing and beautiful I am. Hm, I wonder... Maybe I'm not that ugly, worthless and bad after all...? I feel amazing!

Then CRASH.

One random tuesday he stops loving you. He is a completely different person. Who is this? What happened? What's going on?
But you never get answers. He is cold. He says "You are actually very ugly and disgusting and I think you should kill yourself if you really want to."

You die inside. The world goes quiet, all you can hear is your own heartbeat. No, he did not just say this. That's impossible.
Then he blocks and deletes you from social media and from his life.
Yesterday I was loved, he just told me how he can't wait to marry me.
Today I am told to kill myself.
Okay.
I was loved for a little bit. It was the best feeling ever. Now nobody loves me anymore. I truly am disgusting, ugly, and I deserve the worst death possible.
I am a little child again. Mom doesn't love me, dad doesn't love me. I have no friends, nobody wants to play with me. My boyfriend thinks I am ugly, disgusting and he wants me to die. I have no reason to live anymore.

It would've been better to NEVER experience love, because now it's a million times worse.

Unfortunately this is how much a relationship can mean to me. Not because of romance, flirting, sexual bs, none of that. Just love, I just want pure love and I can't have it anymore.
I'm confused, am I pretty or ugly? What is going on?
Nothing matters. If I can't have his love, then there is no reason for me to breathe anymore.

I am sorry, as i've said maybe this is totally irrelevant. I apologize. It felt good to vent a tiny bit.

You explained it so well. I am in a very similar position. I wish i could come to you and hug you, and every other person here who has experienced this.

This however is not my only reason for choosing to ctb. My world did end the day he decided to unlove me but i also lost someone very recently, someone who meant the entire world to me, my grandmother. Losing two people who loved me so much, and so UNCONDITIONALLY, when every other person in my life has always had conditions, has pushed me over the edge. I never thought grieving both dead and alive people was this difficult. I never experienced love love. I never felt safe, not even in my father's arms. These two people were my only safe place. And now, i am just a living breathing dead human being whose only dream is to end it all peacefully. This isn't life right? No one should have to suffer so much. So i decided to finally show kindness to myself and chose to ctb, hopefully very soon, and then I'll reunite with my adorable loving grandma yay

 

[BlueButterfly111]

Life without him is just not worth living, he was so special. But my heartbreak is not because of a break up, he passed away while we were still in love. My heart is broken, and I think about him all the time. There is nothing more that I would desire in the world than to be with him again. And there's no one else I want to be with either, because like I said he was so special to me. It's something that can't really be explained, you just have to live through it. It felt like he was my soulmate and now that he's gone he took a piece of me with him. I never thought I could miss someone so much.

And it's not just because of losing him that I want to ctb, but it is the last thing to break my heart completely to make me ctb.

 

[isthisit?]

I used to be able to relate. I had the exact same thought but when I somehow ended in a relationship I realised that its actually fun. The feeling of having someone else who cares is a good feeling.

I still dont really need it tho. I managed by myself for 3 years before I started making friends again, I could go back and be completely fine, Im not social.

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

It has to do with self-esteem. But in no way am I implying that you don't have any. Just generally-speaking, when one has a high regard for themselves, the mere thought of a romantic partner cheating or moving on with another person can induce an inferiority complex that gnaws at one's primitive mating confidence, leading to torturous psychological pain.