I don't understand if i truly want to die

[nance]

My life is pretty bad and it's 98% my fault. I didn't work hard in school and then also dropped out of different universities twice. My dad has been in debt for as long as I remember and it keeps piling up, no savings, nothing...i some months ago fell in love, dude pursued me for 2 months and then i started falling even tho knowing Ppl like me don't have good ending, i broke up with him too, telling him my issues and he didn't let go, then my father got sick, he barely survived and my bf was such a sweetheart at that time, he told me if i need any help and that we can be together so his insurance can help my dad too and lord i fell madly for this guy, we were happy afterwards until he broke up with me, saying he thinks life with someone like me will be tough and i don't have a job , i bit my lips and accepted it, tried to move on, then he emails me he misses me and we were back to talking again, then he says he wants to meet me( he is in another city now) then says he doesn't feel it's right to meet and that he fears , i will have hope if we meet and have sex, i told him a part of me does wish we had a future together but i don't want to hold you for that, i truly love you and just wants to spend time with you, anyway so it's evident i will never be happy. I DIDN'T WORK HARD AND JUST USED INTERNET all while telling myself I WILL JUST KILL MYSELF, THERE IS NO WAY I CAN PAY OUR DEBT ANYWAY, I AM TOO STUPID, ah and also i was recently diagnosed with adhd and level 1 autism. So yeah idk. I have wasted 6 solid years of my life doing nothing, i don't think i can fix it now, plus it's not like i can ever earn enough to pay back anything, when my dad can no longer get his shiz together we would be down bad anyway. I could never fix it, the hand given by life was faulty from start. I don't want to be here, getting criticism when life becomes so bad, i have lived my best years anyway.

 

[thevaccumguy]

Alright hear me out. Due to the virtue of me being an internet stranger, I'm not gonna mince my words. Your situation sucks. No arguments on that. It's looking bad for you and frankly, a lot of the times telling people to fight the circumstances is unreasonable at best, and mean at worst. Yes, cbt is an option. A really tempting option as well. But just don't forget to exhaust all other options first. I'm going to sound like an asshole here, but I never had a proper family. Both my parents were literally always busy. So from my perspective, it feels like you have no proper reason to shoulder your father's debts ( again my pov) . And if I'm not wrong , there are tons of volunteering and NGO initiatives going on all around. Idk how viable it'll be in your situation, but try starting over with a clean slate. New location, new people , and who knows, you'll find some new aspirations as well.

Tbh what I'm telling you, I couldn't do myself. There is absolutely zero positivity left within me. But hey, everyone's different. It may also happen that nothing works ultimately, then you would've just spent , what, a couple more years ? At least you'll be going off in your own terms then, rather than due to circumstances.

 

[nance]

Alright hear me out. Due to the virtue of me being an internet stranger, I'm not gonna mince my words. Your situation sucks. No arguments on that. It's looking bad for you and frankly, a lot of the times telling people to fight the circumstances is unreasonable at best, and mean at worst. Yes, cbt is an option. A really tempting option as well. But just don't forget to exhaust all other options first. I'm going to sound like an asshole here, but I never had a proper family. Both my parents were literally always busy. So from my perspective, it feels like you have no proper reason to shoulder your father's debts ( again my pov) . And if I'm not wrong , there are tons of volunteering and NGO initiatives going on all around. Idk how viable it'll be in your situation, but try starting over with a clean slate. New location, new people , and who knows, you'll find some new aspirations as well.

Tbh what I'm telling you, I couldn't do myself. There is absolutely zero positivity left within me. But hey, everyone's different. It may also happen that nothing works ultimately, then you would've just spent , what, a couple more years ? At least you'll be going off in your own terms then, rather than due to circumstances.

Mm i guess you are right, it's just so scary, i always feel so overwhelmed, everyone around me is doing so well, i don't understand what i ever did so wrong to first be a orphan then end up in such a family. i was hoping to have a good life with my bf but he just left me wailing. i will have a cbt option like SN nearby and try to do other stuff in meantime. thank you for replying to me love<3 huggggggggggggggssssssssss. i love this site, wish i had found sooner. i hope our lives get better.