Venting I don't think I want to be happy anymore

[suudo]

Wanting to die is basically an old friend at this point. I've had the thoughts for the last 20 years, ever since early middle school and they've never really gone away, even in moments of happiness it never really vanished, it just... took a small step back. It has always been there, in a small corner locked away in the back of my heart but lately it's gotten out and I don't know if I want to put it back anymore.

I'm a deeply lonely person, I spend 11 hours of my day 5 days a week on either work or commute and the rest is chores, a small bit of video games, cooking, and writing. I used to have an idea, a dream of finding someone who would care about me enough to put in the same time, effort and care I desire to put into another person... but to be completely honest, these days I just can't see it. Even if I found them, someone that kind and important to me, who the hell am I to inflict myself on that person? It's comfortable here, in the little limbo of wanting to die and being alone, right before the end. The amount of times I'd have done it if I had means to go easily because I'm too much of a fucking coward to do anything painful is frankly uncountable. So I sit here in a soft little limbo, unwilling to actually go through with anything either positive or negative, and its the first time in my life I've ever felt like I truly belong somewhere. Like I genuinely deserve this, to be here. Maybe I just won't ever feel like changing. Maybe this is where I will be stuck until euthanasia is legalized, if ever. I don't think I have any interest in getting better anymore, and I'm too much of a pathetic coward to get any worse.

 

[whocaresnobodycares]

I can relate to all except video games.... BUT I'M NOT BETTER OR SMARTER than someone who likes them
ALL entertainment is just a placeholder for "real Life," real feelings of friendship (including lovers) or engagement to fulfilling hobbies, art, or jobs.
....and it seems more and more, every day, that neither public nor private sector WANTS ANYONE to be TRULY happy.

I have too much debt for formal euthanasia, and not much chance of acquiring a firearm.
Looking increasingly like I'll 1) find a VERY high bridge to jump off (i.e. more than 250 feet high) or
put my neck under a moving train wheel (if there's ONE thing Portland has, it's an excess of freight trains).

 

[opulentfish]

Wanting to die is basically an old friend at this point. I've had the thoughts for the last 20 years, ever since early middle school and they've never really gone away, even in moments of happiness it never really vanished, it just... took a small step back. It has always been there, in a small corner locked away in the back of my heart but lately it's gotten out and I don't know if I want to put it back anymore.

I'm a deeply lonely person, I spend 11 hours of my day 5 days a week on either work or commute and the rest is chores, a small bit of video games, cooking, and writing. I used to have an idea, a dream of finding someone who would care about me enough to put in the same time, effort and care I desire to put into another person... but to be completely honest, these days I just can't see it. Even if I found them, someone that kind and important to me, who the hell am I to inflict myself on that person? It's comfortable here, in the little limbo of wanting to die and being alone, right before the end. The amount of times I'd have done it if I had means to go easily because I'm too much of a fucking coward to do anything painful is frankly uncountable. So I sit here in a soft little limbo, unwilling to actually go through with anything either positive or negative, and its the first time in my life I've ever felt like I truly belong somewhere. Like I genuinely deserve this, to be here. Maybe I just won't ever feel like changing. Maybe this is where I will be stuck until euthanasia is legalized, if ever. I don't think I have any interest in getting better anymore, and I'm too much of a pathetic coward to get any worse.

it's like wanting to die is the only thing that can't hurt you, when you've lost hope not much else can as well. it becomes comforting

 

[suudo]

I can relate to all except video games.... BUT I'M NOT BETTER OR SMARTER than someone who likes them
ALL entertainment is just a placeholder for "real Life," real feelings of friendship (including lovers) or engagement to fulfilling hobbies, art, or jobs.
....and it seems more and more, every day, that neither public nor private sector WANTS ANYONE to be TRULY happy.

I have too much debt for formal euthanasia, and not much chance of acquiring a firearm.
Looking increasingly like I'll 1) find a VERY high bridge to jump off (i.e. more than 250 feet high) or
put my neck under a moving train wheel (if there's ONE thing Portland has, it's an excess of freight trains).

yeah, it's just a way to burn time that takes little to no effort. Helps the days pass faster. Euthanasia is illegal here, and any way to end peacefully without pain is made pretty fucking close to impossible to acquire. Tried to order SN 3 times and my order was rejected all 3 times, even tried convincing a local chemical supplier I was looking to get into meat curing and they just said no.
Not much else to do but coast, I guess.

it's like wanting to die is the only thing that can't hurt you, when you've lost hope not much else can as well. it becomes comforting

I feel that. I genuinely think I'd feel unbelievably uncomfortable if it ever fully went away. Like it would be hiding around a corner, waiting for me.