greyblue_bian
2x Failed CTB Member
- Jun 10, 2022
- 184
I wish this all didn't happen all at once. If I had let or if I was allowed some kind of break in between all of what's happened recently, I think it probably wouldn't hit me so hard so often.
The girl I was cheated on with said to me a few days later after I found out that I should stop messaging him. That was true, but she went on to add that she "knew" I probably thought no one would ever love me again and that if I was patient the "right one" would come. I just said sorry for messaging him and the whole confusing situation and she just said that I "shouldn't let one bad day influence my life".
As much as I just left this alone, it was surprising how much she assumed she knew me. How little she thought of me already and she (let alone my ex-boyfriend) knew nothing about me.
I found out even though she was being "nice" to me, she had also asked him if she was prettier than me after we found out he was cheating not too long after, so I'm not entirely surprised. Unless she didn't say that and he lied about that, too. They only know.
Anyways, I think I've underestimated just how much this "bad day" has affected me. Of course, at this point, I just have no trust for neither the people I let close to me nor anyone else outside of them. This isn't their fault, obviously. I just can't do it anymore. There is no longer anything anyone can say or do to make me trust them. Everything seems like it's a lie; like it has an alternative intention than what I'm being shown. I've lost whatever self-respect I was able to muster back up from the other things I'd been dealing with, and I'm starting to fall back into my whole "I wish I was white" mindset. Sometimes though, I do like how I look when I'm able to distract myself with other things but that seems to go fast.
Emotionally, I'm more unstable than usual. Mentally, sometimes, I think I'm back to where I was trying to get better from. Sometimes, I think I'm actually going crazy but I don't like to say it out loud. It's still much better than it was before. I'm not hearing anything or anything like that. I'd rather not go into detail about this; slightly embarrassing to be honest with you.
Anyways, as much as I would genuinely (with my whole being) would rather die than ever hear from him again or see him in person, I miss when everything was good. It made the things that were going on just a little easier. It seemed like someone actually cared about me and I had someone I eventually cared about. So, just because of this, I eventually thought this would amount to something and I could keep trying to get better because this time, I would actually get better and be able to happy for once in a while. I also just wish the possibility of things going differently was a reality.
I'm having to wait about 3 months so that I'll be able to try to CTB. I'll be completely alone then, would have gotten the money for the things, my will written, memories made and goodbyes said and everything, and my note should be done.
But the more I have small feelings of hope and maybe even re-considering doing it, I remember just how many times I've felt that way and how many times I didn't try to CTB and what happened after. I am drained of everything I need to keep myself together because of other people. The same people are the people who tell me to let it go. To forgive them and move on. Most likely, for themselves. Because they probably think an apology undoes everything they did and makes them a good person or at least, makes them look better.
I'm tired and I'm giving up, but no one who knew (of) me can honestly say I never tried.
The girl I was cheated on with said to me a few days later after I found out that I should stop messaging him. That was true, but she went on to add that she "knew" I probably thought no one would ever love me again and that if I was patient the "right one" would come. I just said sorry for messaging him and the whole confusing situation and she just said that I "shouldn't let one bad day influence my life".
As much as I just left this alone, it was surprising how much she assumed she knew me. How little she thought of me already and she (let alone my ex-boyfriend) knew nothing about me.
I found out even though she was being "nice" to me, she had also asked him if she was prettier than me after we found out he was cheating not too long after, so I'm not entirely surprised. Unless she didn't say that and he lied about that, too. They only know.
Anyways, I think I've underestimated just how much this "bad day" has affected me. Of course, at this point, I just have no trust for neither the people I let close to me nor anyone else outside of them. This isn't their fault, obviously. I just can't do it anymore. There is no longer anything anyone can say or do to make me trust them. Everything seems like it's a lie; like it has an alternative intention than what I'm being shown. I've lost whatever self-respect I was able to muster back up from the other things I'd been dealing with, and I'm starting to fall back into my whole "I wish I was white" mindset. Sometimes though, I do like how I look when I'm able to distract myself with other things but that seems to go fast.
Emotionally, I'm more unstable than usual. Mentally, sometimes, I think I'm back to where I was trying to get better from. Sometimes, I think I'm actually going crazy but I don't like to say it out loud. It's still much better than it was before. I'm not hearing anything or anything like that. I'd rather not go into detail about this; slightly embarrassing to be honest with you.
Anyways, as much as I would genuinely (with my whole being) would rather die than ever hear from him again or see him in person, I miss when everything was good. It made the things that were going on just a little easier. It seemed like someone actually cared about me and I had someone I eventually cared about. So, just because of this, I eventually thought this would amount to something and I could keep trying to get better because this time, I would actually get better and be able to happy for once in a while. I also just wish the possibility of things going differently was a reality.
I'm having to wait about 3 months so that I'll be able to try to CTB. I'll be completely alone then, would have gotten the money for the things, my will written, memories made and goodbyes said and everything, and my note should be done.
But the more I have small feelings of hope and maybe even re-considering doing it, I remember just how many times I've felt that way and how many times I didn't try to CTB and what happened after. I am drained of everything I need to keep myself together because of other people. The same people are the people who tell me to let it go. To forgive them and move on. Most likely, for themselves. Because they probably think an apology undoes everything they did and makes them a good person or at least, makes them look better.
I'm tired and I'm giving up, but no one who knew (of) me can honestly say I never tried.
