Venting I don't think I can save them

[rizleechboy]

Ive been friends with someone online for about 2 and half years. They're severely depressed, unemployment, their family is not supportive, they are totally socially isolated. I try to talk them out of it but I don't get very far. I have found a few places that can get them free therapy but they are reluctant to contact them. I don't know what to do anymore. I tell them I love I them all the time but they don't believe me. They have said that they don't really take it seriously at all, that it's not real that I love them. I think I always wish that someone would respect but they're the only person I'm friends with and even they don't respect me. No one actually wants me. I don't really matter at all. They say I'm wasting my time on them. I think if I kill myself I'm giving up on them. I think they are saveable but I'm just not the person to save them. I don't know. I'm not even nice. I wish I was anyone else. I don't even know. I want to kill myself but I probably won't. I can only really try with benzos and alcohol. I'm so stupid. I'm so pathetic.

An addition: I feel like I'm trying to save myself in some way. Me and my friend are both autistic, very similar interests. I keep feeling very hopeless about it all which I don't think is helpful to them. If I don't believe I can help them how will they ever get better? I feel like I can't kill myself because its the same as giving up on them. I don't know. I don't think I'm very helpful to them at all. But not talking to them or dying would be more unhelpful to them. So I'm just stuck being alive and knowing I'm inadequate. I think the fact that I'm so scared that they'll kill themselves is like proof that they will. That deep down I know it's coming. I don't know how to make it sound like I'm not scared. I think they can tell that I am. And I don't know. I want to keep believing in them but I'm so useless. I just think it's all doomed somehow.

 

[LittleCupcake]

The chances are their family has done some nasty stuff to them, theres definitely trust issues. If your friend is trans that could be why therapy is a no go since theres so much transphobia in that profession. or maybe its just to do with trust or not willing to be vulnerable with a stranger. The way to help would be to ask them what their reason for no going to therapy is and see where it goes from there

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Gaining trust is difficult especially when it's an online friendship (or more), don't forget that fact that they obviously are deeply depressed/have MH issues. They might not react like a healthy person without any problems. You do your best for your friend and that is great!!!

It's a tough situation.

 

[ctbcat]

no one can be saved if they don't want to be, you know? ...you've been really supportive, to your own detriment. i can see you're a real compassionate person, and wanting to be this figure for your friend IS a virtue, and from my experience at least, having one person remind me they love me did help a little at my lowest times, just to know there was someone in my corner.

i'm not going to tell you some individualistic, 21st-century bullcrap to leave or whatever. everyone needs someone.

instead i'm just going to say you should be kinder to yourself. you're trying your best here, and i can see that, even if it doesn't feel that way for you.

 

[rizleechboy]

The chances are their family has done some nasty stuff to them, theres definitely trust issues. If your friend is trans that could be why therapy is a no go since theres so much transphobia in that profession. or maybe its just to do with trust or not willing to be vulnerable with a stranger. The way to help would be to ask them what their reason for no going to therapy is and see where it goes from there

Their reason for not going to therapy is that they do not believe they can be helped. They're autistic, have been depressed since childhood, but they have never received mental health care at all. I understand why they don't believe they can be helped. I don't know how to show them.

no one can be saved if they don't want to be, you know? ...you've been really supportive, to your own detriment. i can see you're a real compassionate person, and wanting to be this figure for your friend IS a virtue, and from my experience at least, having one person remind me they love me did help a little at my lowest times, just to know there was someone in my corner.

i'm not going to tell you some individualistic, 21st-century bullcrap to leave or whatever. everyone needs someone.

instead i'm just going to say you should be kinder to yourself. you're trying your best here, and i can see that, even if it doesn't feel that way for you.

I think I'm lonely too and am unhealthily attached to them. Half the reason is I get so anxious about them and feel compelled to save them. And I want to keep them because then I don't have anyone. I don't want to lose them. I think it hurts that they don't really feel the same level of care for me but I don't think that should matter so much. It's selfish, what I'm doing. It's just me getting so upset all the time. If I didn't get so upset all the time I could probably help them in a better way. Instead of just begging them to live all the time and telling them I'm sorry for saying things and telling them I love them constantly when I know it doesn't mean anything to them. It's all about me.

 

[LittleCupcake]

Their reason for not going to therapy is that they do not believe they can be helped. They're autistic, have been depressed since childhood, but they have never received mental health care at all. I understand why they don't believe they can be helped. I don't know how to show them.


I think I'm lonely too and am unhealthily attached to them. Half the reason is I get so anxious about them and feel compelled to save them. And I want to keep them because then I don't have anyone. I don't want to lose them. I think it hurts that they don't really feel the same level of care for me but I don't think that should matter so much. It's selfish, what I'm doing. It's just me getting so upset all the time. If I didn't get so upset all the time I could probably help them in a better way. Instead of just begging them to live all the time and telling them I'm sorry for saying things and telling them I love them constantly when I know it doesn't mean anything to them. It's all about me.

I completely get it, I feel the same sort of way as your friend does. Unfortunately the reality is you can only help someone if they help themselves, meaning they need to take steps to feel better themselves. Maybe start with seeing if the little victories does anything, it could be just watching a movie or going out for a walk, cook something. Sometimes it just takes the little things in life to improve ones mood, even if its only temporary.

 

[rizleechboy]

I completely get it, I feel the same sort of way as your friend does. Unfortunately the reality is you can only help someone if they help themselves, meaning they need to take steps to feel better themselves. Maybe start with seeing if the little victories does anything, it could be just watching a movie or going out for a walk, cook something. Sometimes it just takes the little things in life to improve ones mood, even if its only temporary.

Well. I only know them online. I'm in the US and they're in the UK. They're pretty much entirely socially isolated and there's not much I can do. I'm text on a screen. If they killed themselves I wouldn't even know

 

[LittleCupcake]

Well. I only know them online. I'm in the US and they're in the UK. They're pretty much entirely socially isolated and there's not much I can do. I'm text on a screen. If they killed themselves I wouldn't even know

You can encourage them to take those steps like going outside but thats all you can do really

 

[rizleechboy]

You can encourage them to take those steps like going outside but thats all you can do really

I don't think this is the main issue I think the issue is that they are totally socially isolated and have no support system. They basically fully evade whenever I try to get them to contact therapy services but I have managed to get them to do it once before. I don't know. If I really am just wasting my time like they said then I don't understand the point of me being here at all.