I dont think i can live without her.

[grasping_at_straws]

Well I'm still here. I thought I was feeling better enough to live but old wounds keep re-opening.

I've been away from my love for more that 2 years now.

I went into the mental hospital for anxiety 2019 over christmass.

I came out of the hospital in a mixed episode.

In February I was feeling nervous over the relationship with my love.

She's married and had a kid. Her and her husband live in the same house buy have been separated after he cheated inin the late 2000s.

Her and I dated in 2010 and broke up because of distance and conflicting lives.

We reconnected after a couple of years and started a romantic friendship. I really felt she was my soulmate and I guess she did to after the fight we had when I told her I just wanted to be friends. If I knew she wanted more I never would have said that. Mixed episodes are evil like that.

So since early 2020 I've been without her. It was a Rollercoaster with her but I loved her and still do.

I dont know of I'll ever fall in love in this life or the next. She did date around while we were separated, but I still had her friendly and when she became single again it got very romantic.

I really feel like when I put her off to the side I killed myself. It's not what I wanted but in panic mode thinking of me not being a good influence on her son and the fast that she was still married and we might get caught before we were ready to go public got to me.

I wish I could move on, but it only seems to get harder.

With my severe physical and mental problems I'm just ready to go be with the Gods.

I just can't invision loving another in this life or the next.

I'm broken and I want out...

I hope in the next life I heal and find true love.

I dont know what's worse. My crooked fat body or being a hopeless romantic.

 

[downndone2]

I understand and hope you find peace. I ruined my marriage in 2019 and I haven't been able to move on a bit without him.
I've been suicidal since late 2019 and I hate what I've done so much.

 

[SuicidallyCurious]

I'm glad I was created without the capability to love .

At least to love in this kind of way, it has never been possible for me.

 

[loststar]

I feel ya man, heart break can stick around for an age. My current depresion spiral was started by a girl. Love is double edged knife.

 

[Slimetae]

I know what it feels like Sadly I messed my chance up with her due to my ways I hope you find peace

 

[grasping_at_straws]

I broke down and checked Facebook to see how she was...

She's as beautiful as ever and my heart hurts.

I wish I would have died when I slit my wrists last year.... I panicked and showed my parents and they called an ambulance. 15 staples in each wrist. Would have been a romantic death, but I got scared.

I'm such a fuck up...

 

[graybars]

I know how you feel. I wish I never got a taste of love. I can't bear the knowledge that I'm capable of such deep joy and empathy while presently being so devoid of anything even close to feeling or affect.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

I broke down and checked Facebook to see how she was...

She's as beautiful as ever and my heart hurts.

I wish I would have died when I slit my wrists last year.... I panicked and showed my parents and they called an ambulance. 15 staples in each wrist. Would have been a romantic death, but I got scared.

I'm such a fuck up...

I have no words of encouragement to offer. All I can say is I relate (even if it isn't my primary motivation to CTB). The person who I am still not over and thought of as my soulmate is married now, and it kills me :(

 

[SKDN]

I can relate. I fell like i have throw away my marriage, with the love of my life, after being with her for 12 yeard, 3 married. I'm at fault, no her. I just cant detach to the memorys and feelings. My life was never a fairytatil, but her presence made me fell human and gave me the strength to keep going. Now, i have absulutly nothin that keeps me going. I just sleep. So im going go CTB to get rid of it.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you are suffering so much, it must be so painful and devastating being in that situation. This life really is so depressing. I hope you find relief from pain in whatever you decide to do.

 

[outrider567]

No just 'thinking' about it with me--Since her death in January, I definitely cannot go on, don't see any other way

 

[grasping_at_straws]

Thanks for the kind words all.