Hi There,
This might be long, I'm ranting/venting.. respond if you want but no obligation to.,
So I am a 37 year old woman, mixed race US immigrant, I lived in the US in my early 20's but spent 10 years in my home country. Moving to the US in 2018 was HARD, this was not the same place I lived years before, there was my personal story but man whew the world sure has changed in the last decade hasn't it. I will always want to ctb. Just like an addict, I will always be an addict, there will be times in my life when the desire will be stronger than others, no one can make that decision but me and this is the closest I have come. The truth is, I don't want to be alive, I do not want to try anymore, I wish that I could do it. This is the closest I have ever come, I have SN.... but I just can't yet.
My thoughts on this site: I am so grateful I found this site, full disclosure it was thanks to the NYT article, I am sorry that they didn't have the perspective of someone like me for the article because most of us know that once you mention wanting to ctb you get labeled as 'crazy' or 'unwell' despite that fact that the statistics show that so many people make this decision everyday. We are not given the space and the dignity to talk about how we feel and why we feel this way. I appreciate this place for giving me access to what my options are with the book. Funny enough having the SN made it harder than having say a gun, SN takes preparation, you have to be 100% sure that this is what you want, it's not a decision you can make in a heightened state of emotion and I think that helped me. This site really helped me face my trauma, here you go, you want to do this, you can do this and here are the resources to do it. There is no one here chanting 'do it, do it' it's just a space that we can talk about how we feel. (the vast majority anyway).
To the young people: I know you are here and I am so sorry. Trust me when I say I am so sorry. You shouldn't be here, you shouldn't feel that the world needs you to be all these things. I want you to know that life is going to be hard and life is going to be unfair and the sooner you realize that is the sooner you can not have these feelings consume you. If you are over the age of 18, you can decide to be who you want to be and yes that might mean hurting people or even dealing with pain yourself, but I promise you that it's not too late and you can change but it takes work and really being ok with not being ok. Really making the effort to figure out how you want to be happy and how you are going to live with being happy. My son at 15 decided to go live with his father who caused me so much pain, his father is a narcissistic piece of crap, who hates that my son is nothing like him. I just hope he realizes and comes home, but it's been 90 days and I can't suffer anymore, I have done nothing but love my son, I am not abusive and I know so many of you on here just want a mom and I just wish I could be a mom again.
What helped me:
1. Funny enough, tik tok: Tik Tok is awesome, I found resources that have helped me realize that maybe there is nothing 'wrong' with me after all. It has helped enforce and validate the steps I am making to take care of myself. (Logan Cohen and Alicia McCarvel have helped alot)
2. Setting Boundaries: I have set boundaries with people that being negativity in my life, this has been the most painfully rewarding experience. People suck, the ones that suck don't belong in my life. Not allowing them to make me feel bad about setting those boundaries has been hard
3. Being open about wanting to ctb: I am rational, there is nothing 'wrong with me'. People show you how they really feel when they realize how badly you want to ctb, they also don't respond well when you show them that the way they treat you has made you wan to ctb, when you explain without feeling or argument, when you destroy their argument and stop making it about them it really shows. You however have to be prepared to lose people, it HURTS, it SUCKS, it is so painful when you realize that them not wanting you to ctb is more about how they will feel if you do vs how you feel right now... losing people you love is painful, but learning to love the people who love you is the most rewarding thing ever(See below why we should be more open about wanting to ctb)
4. Walk away from the things that don't serve you: The job, your family, do what you need to do for your happiness.. Is it selfish, perhaps but you want to be dead anyway so what does it matter, make a plan and execute it. Right now I have no job and my money is running out but this is day 2 of 90 that I have not cried, I'll hopefully figure it out and if I don't, well I don't but for now I am focusing on removing the things that make me unhappy. I spend less time worrying about the opinions of people that don't matter and of the people that hurt me. My son walked away from me because I love him too much... My own mother hates me... So if I have to live with my heart irreparably broken, then no one can hurt me, you don't want to be in my life.. bye...
5. Have realistic expectations about what you can and can't achieve. If you hate your body but aren't willing to put in the work to change it then it's never going to get better. Also don't be mad if you aren't doing the things you need to do. Stop wanting to be the 'one in a millions' - famous people, musicians, wealthy people, just stop ok.... It's not healthy. Be realistic and make a plan of how you can get there and if it's something you can't or don't want to do then don't do it.
6. Spend time in the real world: the anonymity of the internet can create an illusion of a society that isn't real. But you can use the internet to find your 'people' or the people that are in the group of people you want to be. You can find them online, go try.... and if you don't like it then try something else. Most people are alot nicer than you think, most people are lost in their own thoughts and insecurities. We are filled with so much bias and it's so hard to meet people and make friends. But you know what, I have crippling anxiety but I go for daily walks now and the 'regulars' and I all wave to each other and smile. It's such a little thing or the little dogs will want pets and where I walk it's mostly older people who are always happy to say hello.
7. Be Nice: People are so awful these days, just try and be nice, I promise its contagious. Smile at people, say thank you, say please. You'd be surprised how it can make someones day. compliment their shoes or their shirt. This world could use a little more kindness
8. Society sucks: Modern society sucks, just face it, the world is on fire and it seems like no one cares. But there are people that care and are doing what they can, so what are you doing? Even if it's just picking up trash in your neighborhood or trying to not create as much waste. You may be only 1 person but better to be a good person than not.
9. The mental health care system sucks: it's a multi billion dollar industry designed to keep us medicated.
10. Taking it one day at a time. I am FAR from ok... Even this morning was ROUGH, I didn't go for my walk but I am sitting in my office working on my business. My heart still hurts but I am still going one second at a time.
Bonus point: Plan uncancellable things when you are happy. We have a big trip coming up, in this state of mind, my braining is screaming that I shouldn't go... but we already commited.... So I gotta go... Hopefully I make it to that day... less than a month away.
Ok that's enough rambling for this morning
This might be long, I'm ranting/venting.. respond if you want but no obligation to.,
So I am a 37 year old woman, mixed race US immigrant, I lived in the US in my early 20's but spent 10 years in my home country. Moving to the US in 2018 was HARD, this was not the same place I lived years before, there was my personal story but man whew the world sure has changed in the last decade hasn't it. I will always want to ctb. Just like an addict, I will always be an addict, there will be times in my life when the desire will be stronger than others, no one can make that decision but me and this is the closest I have come. The truth is, I don't want to be alive, I do not want to try anymore, I wish that I could do it. This is the closest I have ever come, I have SN.... but I just can't yet.
My thoughts on this site: I am so grateful I found this site, full disclosure it was thanks to the NYT article, I am sorry that they didn't have the perspective of someone like me for the article because most of us know that once you mention wanting to ctb you get labeled as 'crazy' or 'unwell' despite that fact that the statistics show that so many people make this decision everyday. We are not given the space and the dignity to talk about how we feel and why we feel this way. I appreciate this place for giving me access to what my options are with the book. Funny enough having the SN made it harder than having say a gun, SN takes preparation, you have to be 100% sure that this is what you want, it's not a decision you can make in a heightened state of emotion and I think that helped me. This site really helped me face my trauma, here you go, you want to do this, you can do this and here are the resources to do it. There is no one here chanting 'do it, do it' it's just a space that we can talk about how we feel. (the vast majority anyway).
To the young people: I know you are here and I am so sorry. Trust me when I say I am so sorry. You shouldn't be here, you shouldn't feel that the world needs you to be all these things. I want you to know that life is going to be hard and life is going to be unfair and the sooner you realize that is the sooner you can not have these feelings consume you. If you are over the age of 18, you can decide to be who you want to be and yes that might mean hurting people or even dealing with pain yourself, but I promise you that it's not too late and you can change but it takes work and really being ok with not being ok. Really making the effort to figure out how you want to be happy and how you are going to live with being happy. My son at 15 decided to go live with his father who caused me so much pain, his father is a narcissistic piece of crap, who hates that my son is nothing like him. I just hope he realizes and comes home, but it's been 90 days and I can't suffer anymore, I have done nothing but love my son, I am not abusive and I know so many of you on here just want a mom and I just wish I could be a mom again.
What helped me:
1. Funny enough, tik tok: Tik Tok is awesome, I found resources that have helped me realize that maybe there is nothing 'wrong' with me after all. It has helped enforce and validate the steps I am making to take care of myself. (Logan Cohen and Alicia McCarvel have helped alot)
2. Setting Boundaries: I have set boundaries with people that being negativity in my life, this has been the most painfully rewarding experience. People suck, the ones that suck don't belong in my life. Not allowing them to make me feel bad about setting those boundaries has been hard
3. Being open about wanting to ctb: I am rational, there is nothing 'wrong with me'. People show you how they really feel when they realize how badly you want to ctb, they also don't respond well when you show them that the way they treat you has made you wan to ctb, when you explain without feeling or argument, when you destroy their argument and stop making it about them it really shows. You however have to be prepared to lose people, it HURTS, it SUCKS, it is so painful when you realize that them not wanting you to ctb is more about how they will feel if you do vs how you feel right now... losing people you love is painful, but learning to love the people who love you is the most rewarding thing ever(See below why we should be more open about wanting to ctb)
4. Walk away from the things that don't serve you: The job, your family, do what you need to do for your happiness.. Is it selfish, perhaps but you want to be dead anyway so what does it matter, make a plan and execute it. Right now I have no job and my money is running out but this is day 2 of 90 that I have not cried, I'll hopefully figure it out and if I don't, well I don't but for now I am focusing on removing the things that make me unhappy. I spend less time worrying about the opinions of people that don't matter and of the people that hurt me. My son walked away from me because I love him too much... My own mother hates me... So if I have to live with my heart irreparably broken, then no one can hurt me, you don't want to be in my life.. bye...
5. Have realistic expectations about what you can and can't achieve. If you hate your body but aren't willing to put in the work to change it then it's never going to get better. Also don't be mad if you aren't doing the things you need to do. Stop wanting to be the 'one in a millions' - famous people, musicians, wealthy people, just stop ok.... It's not healthy. Be realistic and make a plan of how you can get there and if it's something you can't or don't want to do then don't do it.
6. Spend time in the real world: the anonymity of the internet can create an illusion of a society that isn't real. But you can use the internet to find your 'people' or the people that are in the group of people you want to be. You can find them online, go try.... and if you don't like it then try something else. Most people are alot nicer than you think, most people are lost in their own thoughts and insecurities. We are filled with so much bias and it's so hard to meet people and make friends. But you know what, I have crippling anxiety but I go for daily walks now and the 'regulars' and I all wave to each other and smile. It's such a little thing or the little dogs will want pets and where I walk it's mostly older people who are always happy to say hello.
7. Be Nice: People are so awful these days, just try and be nice, I promise its contagious. Smile at people, say thank you, say please. You'd be surprised how it can make someones day. compliment their shoes or their shirt. This world could use a little more kindness
8. Society sucks: Modern society sucks, just face it, the world is on fire and it seems like no one cares. But there are people that care and are doing what they can, so what are you doing? Even if it's just picking up trash in your neighborhood or trying to not create as much waste. You may be only 1 person but better to be a good person than not.
9. The mental health care system sucks: it's a multi billion dollar industry designed to keep us medicated.
10. Taking it one day at a time. I am FAR from ok... Even this morning was ROUGH, I didn't go for my walk but I am sitting in my office working on my business. My heart still hurts but I am still going one second at a time.
Bonus point: Plan uncancellable things when you are happy. We have a big trip coming up, in this state of mind, my braining is screaming that I shouldn't go... but we already commited.... So I gotta go... Hopefully I make it to that day... less than a month away.
Ok that's enough rambling for this morning
