Venting I don’t think anything can change my mind anymore. But maybe there is?

[leviant123]

Hello, I want to start this off with I've been thinking about this ever since third grade, I wonder why but that doesn't matter. What matters is for some reason I finalized my decision only one night ago and I'd like to share why. I've had many conversations about my perspective on life with people without mentioning my suicidal tendencies so they won't change any answer and so far nothing has changed. Maybe someone here can. It all started out when I never fit in with anyone at school, when i did it was only because they needed more people in their group, after that I was ignored. Ended up being molested by my father and my mom knowing this and not caring one bit. Not even in her bipolar episodes where her negative emotions are heightened she didn't care. I was also left with a different family member and ended up being sexually assaulted by her husband's father. Middle school came along and I was fairly more acceptable but only to be used by other kids for homework or to take advantage of me, although I was considered unattractive. High school came, and I ended up being way prettier (based off of how many more compliments i received) but only to be sexually assaulted, groomed, used again, and overshadowed. Although a stronger person, the grief was becoming stronger. My mother ended up being unloyal to my father and i ended up showing my dad because the woman already very distant from my life and I didn't care; but then they proceeded to blame all their actions on me, yelled at me, tried to kick me out, and blamed it all on a boy that had nothing to do with the situation. Up until now, the relationship with my parents was already lost but now it's completely dead. Extended family take their side as well. Now there's relationships, I have only been used. the only times they weren't awful was with guys i wasn't even with and were not attracted to me. I see younger couples and older couples failing and I decided to not rely on a relationship or be in one again. Now I have a word to say about friendships. These are beneficial but the ones who were truly my friend are either moved away, slowly fading, and one is in a human trafficking ring that I can do nothing about. Now it's my beliefs. My hope in Islam, Christianity, Judaism and even Hinduism has dwindled significantly, I can now only see the human race and life only a product of the universe and we really do only live once and our choice of free will has only lead to the world to become worse and worse by every day that passes. My experiences so far have affected my decision. I have tried therapy, talking my feelings, exercise, yoga, improving myself, hobbies, everything. Nothing has changed. I believe that knowing life amounts to nothing and there's really no meaning can be a beautiful thing for those that have potential. I've realized I have no potential; being dumb, insecure, slow, unable to improve for a long period, no contribution to society, and pretty much used up without my will, there's nothing left for me. Knowing this is how my life went, I see no reason to live anymore. If there's anyone that can change my mind about continuing life, I would really love that. But I'm afraid this time I am certain, I've already started the suicide note. I'm only typing this out because maybe there is a perspective I have not heard yet.

 

[LaughingGoat]

When you say you haven't contributed to society, do you mean in terms of a job? Because having worked numerous jobs, I've found that there are tons of volunteer opportunities that I feel contribute as much to people and animals as when I worked in education and social services. You said high school, so I'm assuming you're in the US as well. I think inherently in our culture, someone's contribution to society is thought as whether they are active in the workforce and stimulating the economy, but honestly I see no value in that. You've clearly endured a lot of suffering, far more than I could relate to or fully understand, so I'm not trying to say undoubtedly say what works for me would work for you, just that I've found that engaging in my personal meaning gives life some purpose and what makes continuing not hell.

I agree philosophically that there is no objective meaning, but can also say people who have gone through trauma like you have are potentially so much more empathetic than most people, that helping relieve the suffering of others provides purpose like nothing else can. You may have already engaged in all of this so don't mean to assume anything, just mentioning in case it's an avenue you've yet to explore.

 

[leviant123]

When you say you haven't contributed to society, do you mean in terms of a job? Because having worked numerous jobs, I've found that there are tons of volunteer opportunities that I feel contribute as much to people and animals as when I worked in education and social services. You said high school, so I'm assuming you're in the US as well. I think inherently in our culture, someone's contribution to society is thought as whether they are active in the workforce and stimulating the economy, but honestly I see no value in that. You've clearly endured a lot of suffering, far more than I could relate to or fully understand, so I'm not trying to say undoubtedly say what works for me would work for you, just that I've found that engaging in my personal meaning gives life some purpose and what makes continuing not hell.

I agree philosophically that there is no objective meaning, but can also say people who have gone through trauma like you have are potentially so much more empathetic than most people, that helping relieve the suffering of others provides purpose like nothing else can. You may have already engaged in all of this so don't mean to assume anything, just mentioning in case it's an avenue you've yet to explore.

Hello! Yes, what I was referring to was jobs. As a teen I did want to work but I was not allowed to, then slowed down my chances of moving out and now I am stuck here for awhile more. Especially since we are on Medicaid they use that excuse so that when I work i have to give them a portion, making it even slower. Volunteering got taken away from my teens but I haven't went out to see anymore opportunities so I might try doing so. One of my worries though is that if most of those people are truly getting treated right; although that is something I would think would happen in bigger cities. I have hard about giving personal meaning (I'm saying this because i've been told about self-love) but what exactly gave you personal meaning? I've listed the things I have tried so maybe there's something different. You're right, helping others can provide purpose and I might give it another go but instead with this reasoning instead.

 

[LaughingGoat]

Hello! Yes, what I was referring to was jobs. As a teen I did want to work but I was not allowed to, then slowed down my chances of moving out and now I am stuck here for awhile more. Especially since we are on Medicaid they use that excuse so that when I work i have to give them a portion, making it even slower. Volunteering got taken away from my teens but I haven't went out to see anymore opportunities so I might try doing so. One of my worries though is that if most of those people are truly getting treated right; although that is something I would think would happen in bigger cities. I have hard about giving personal meaning (I'm saying this because i've been told about self-love) but what exactly gave you personal meaning? I've listed the things I have tried so maybe there's something different. You're right, helping others can provide purpose and I might give it another go but instead with this reasoning instead.

Personally, there have been a number of things I found purpose in. My first career was in education and behavioral health helping treat adolescents with emotional disabilities. Just about every single child had significant trauma, many with stories similar to yours, as well as numerous girls who had been trafficked. I live in a large city so it's unfortunately common around our parts. In terms of volunteering, my regular spots are at animal sanctuaries/shelters, book programs for children and teachers, and with organizations providing food and clothing to people with disabilities, those experiencing homelessness, and shut-in seniors. Those are the things I find most meaningful to me, but there are tons of different opportunities so there's really a place for any area of interest; some other things that were fun like tree planting in urban areas and parks, trail/nature maintenance, lawncare/housework for elderly and disabled people, community farming. Additionally, there are activist organizations targeting legislation and awareness for areas like animal rights, human trafficking, social mobility, etc. you can volunteer or work.

 

[leviant123]

Personally, there have been a number of things I found purpose in. My first career was in education and behavioral health helping treat adolescents with emotional disabilities. Just about every single child had significant trauma, many with stories similar to yours, as well as numerous girls who had been trafficked. I live in a large city so it's unfortunately common around our parts. In terms of volunteering, my regular spots are at animal sanctuaries/shelters, book programs for children and teachers, and with organizations providing food and clothing to people with disabilities, those experiencing homelessness, and shut-in seniors. Those are the things I find most meaningful to me, but there are tons of different opportunities so there's really a place for any area of interest; some other things that were fun like tree planting in urban areas and parks, trail/nature maintenance, lawncare/housework for elderly and disabled people, community farming. Additionally, there are activist organizations targeting legislation and awareness for areas like animal rights, human trafficking, social mobility, etc. you can volunteer or work.

Oh, that's honestly really beautiful, I really appreciate you helping out so much, kudos to you with the trafficking :). I'm not entirely sure where you are in the U.S, but do you know which ones are actually trying to help without any weird agenda when it comes to the trafficking? I am in Texas by the way.
Although I'll look into it. Thank you for bringing my awareness to this.EDIT: (i just realized how paranoid I sounded when i said the weird agenda thing, but maybe it's a valid question)

 

[LaughingGoat]

Oh, that's honestly really beautiful, I really appreciate you helping out so much, kudos to you with the trafficking :). I'm not entirely sure where you are in the U.S, but do you know which ones are actually trying to help without any weird agenda when it comes to the trafficking? I am in Texas by the way.
Although I'll look into it. Thank you for bringing my awareness to this.EDIT: (i just realized how paranoid I sounded when i said the weird agenda thing, but maybe it's a valid question)

I get what you mean and definitely encourage you to research any organization you come across to make sure they're above board. I'm in Maryland so not familiar much with Texas, but I would imagine there are probably numerous or very prominent trafficking organizations in border states.