Discussion I don’t see myself in suicide discussions

[BGooG]

I'm 60 years old, and have had chronic suicidal ideation for as long as I can remember. Certainly for years. I've spent hours and hours reading sources on the internet, looking at the "help" available or listening to people share their experiences. I've spent a number of hours on this site before I got up the courage to become a member.

Here's the thing - I don't see myself in ANY of these discussions. Everything on the internet about suicide is for teenagers. The irony, of course, is that middle-aged males are the demographic most at risk for suicide. Yet we don't exist out there. Suicide seems to be for teenagers, that's all.

I've never talked to a therapist about this (I know what would happen), and have many reasons for wanting to die - a fear that I'll be dead by cancer by 66, like my mother and grandfather; a marriage that should've ended years ago, a 19 year old daughter who wants to move out and never come back (she's my only reason to live). I could go on and on.

I'm reasonably healthy, in shape (run 6K multiple mornings a week), have a good job and am professionally very successful. And yet I've wanted to kill my self for years. And I can't find anything that talks about people like me. It makes me feel like a fraud, that I'm not desperate. And yet frequently at night and I tie a cord around my neck with the hope that I'll choke to death in my sleep (when I wake up it's always untie).

I just wish I could hear from someone who sounds like me, who could understand me, who could tell me why I want to die. I wish I could see me in these discussions.

 

[AliceTheGoon]

I'm a man in my 50s and also have a good job and professional success. I know what you mean about the demographic, feel free to PM me if you want to chat.

 

[Foresight]

Welcome, I hope you find some comfort in sharing your story and hearing from others. This community is diverse and I think you'll find others who can relate and have similarities. More than likely the majority of members are in their 20s but there are members from all stages of adulthood and from all over the world.

 

[takemenowpls]

I'm 60 years old, and have had chronic suicidal ideation for as long as I can remember. Certainly for years. I've spent hours and hours reading sources on the internet, looking at the "help" available or listening to people share their experiences. I've spent a number of hours on this site before I got up the courage to become a member.

Here's the thing - I don't see myself in ANY of these discussions. Everything on the internet about suicide is for teenagers. The irony, of course, is that middle-aged males are the demographic most at risk for suicide. Yet we don't exist out there. Suicide seems to be for teenagers, that's all.

I've never talked to a therapist about this (I know what would happen), and have many reasons for wanting to die - a fear that I'll be dead by cancer by 66, like my mother and grandfather; a marriage that should've ended years ago, a 19 year old daughter who wants to move out and never come back (she's my only reason to live). I could go on and on.

I'm reasonably healthy, in shape (run 6K multiple mornings a week), have a good job and am professionally very successful. And yet I've wanted to kill my self for years. And I can't find anything that talks about people like me. It makes me feel like a fraud, that I'm not desperate. And yet frequently at night and I tie a cord around my neck with the hope that I'll choke to death in my sleep (when I wake up it's always untie).

I just wish I could hear from someone who sounds like me, who could understand me, who could tell me why I want to die. I wish I could see me in these discussions.

If you are able to hold a job I don't see reason to end your life. Having said that I know the brain works the way it does and you can't help but have these ideations. Once you realize that it should help. Mental illness has cost me everything. I have PTSD and severe depression. Lost my ability to work, recently my wife left me and soon I lose my home. Not sure how much more I can take

 

[Regen]

Hello and welcome.
You say you have never talked to a therapist about your suicidal thoughts. Have you had therapy in general though? And if so, did you get along with the therapist? My experience is that it is possible to talk about suicidal thoughts without immediately being sent to a psychiatric ward. When I was very young it was different, but now as an older adult it doesn't happen so easily. Of course, you have to dose it carefully, especially in the beginning, and see how the therapist handles it. But as long as he feels you're coming back for the next hour, it works. Of course, it's difficult with very specific plans, but I can talk to my therapist about it. I could imagine that older people just write less here, too. Definitely they exist here, but less present and less dramatic. And as you say, according to statistics, it's the older ones who die more often from suicide. But that's of less interest than very young people. All the love for you.

If you are able to hold a job I don't see reason to end your life. Having said that I know the brain works the way it does and you can't help but have these ideations. Once you realize that it should help. Mental illness has cost me everything. I have PTSD and severe depression. Lost my ability to work, recently my wife left me and soon I lose my home. Not sure how much more I can take

That's not right. There are high f

If you are able to hold a job I don't see reason to end your life. Having said that I know the brain works the way it does and you can't help but have these ideations. Once you realize that it should help. Mental illness has cost me everything. I have PTSD and severe depression. Lost my ability to work, recently my wife left me and soon I lose my home. Not sure how much more I can take

This is not correct. There are people with high-functioning depression. You get everything done great on the outside, you seem healthy and have friends, a job, hobbies, and yet you are highly depressed. And the tragic thing is that no one believes you. Even doctors and therapists often have difficulties. But the inner pain is the same. And the risk of suicide is also the same. Whether you have suicidal thoughts definitely does not depend on whether you have a good job or not.

I am sorry for your deep pain.

 

[domedune]

This place fell into my lap after someone mentioned it to me. I'm young (around your daughter's age). I cannot imagine my father (around your age) knowing how to find this place or assuming a place like this exists online to begin with. I'm thinking the demographics will get older every generation is tech-saturated.

I'm sorry you can find people to relate to. Did you see this thread: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/sub-forum-for-older-members.86626

Please talk to your daughter.

 

[Install-Gentoo]

There's definitely people in the middle to older age demographic here. Suicide affects everyone. Just gotta specify in your posts or look for posts that specify about age, and maybe you can find people to relate to better?

 

[theboy]

Well, the problems of adolescents or of young people under 30 are different from those of a person over 60 years of age. In this forum you can find people of your age. I hope you can find your peace. I get the impression that you are a good man

 

[Zegers]

For teenagers? I think teens should be having fun and not talking about something like suicide, it's a pretty bad sign of the way the world is going.

Here on SS you can find people of all ages and in same boat.

 

[Infernal]

If you are able to hold a job I don't see reason to end your life.

I find this statement kinda ridiculous. Being able to hold a job doesn't automatically make one's life worth living. People have all sorts of problems.

 

[BGooG]

This place fell into my lap after someone mentioned it to me. I'm young (around your daughter's age). I cannot imagine my father (around your age) knowing how to find this place or assuming a place like this exists online to begin with. I'm thinking the demographics will get older every generation is tech-saturated.

I'm sorry you can find people to relate to. Did you see this thread: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/sub-forum-for-older-members.86626

Please talk to your daughter.

Thank you for the link; I did not see it. As for knowing this exists, I'm good technologically (I have to be in my work), so this wasn't a surprise. As for talking to my daughter, she's already dealing with her own pain and suicidal thoughts. If I told her about mine I worry it's push her over. And one of the reasons I don't act on this (I plan incessantly, but don't really act) is that statistically, one suicide in a family more strongly predicts a subsequent suicide. And she's far too wonderful for me to do anything that might push her that way.

 

[BGooG]

Hello and welcome.
You say you have never talked to a therapist about your suicidal thoughts. Have you had therapy in general though? And if so, did you get along with the therapist? My experience is that it is possible to talk about suicidal thoughts without immediately being sent to a psychiatric ward. When I was very young it was different, but now as an older adult it doesn't happen so easily. Of course, you have to dose it carefully, especially in the beginning, and see how the therapist handles it. But as long as he feels you're coming back for the next hour, it works. Of course, it's difficult with very specific plans, but I can talk to my therapist about it. I could imagine that older people just write less here, too. Definitely they exist here, but less present and less dramatic. And as you say, according to statistics, it's the older ones who die more often from suicide. But that's of less interest than very young people. All the love for you.

That's not right. There are high f

This is not correct. There are people with high-functioning depression. You get everything done great on the outside, you seem healthy and have friends, a job, hobbies, and yet you are highly depressed. And the tragic thing is that no one believes you. Even doctors and therapists often have difficulties. But the inner pain is the same. And the risk of suicide is also the same. Whether you have suicidal thoughts definitely does not depend on whether you have a good job or not.

I am sorry for your deep pain.

This is true. If you're high functioning no one believes you are also desperate and want to die. I am. I have colleagues who study and research suicide (clinical psychologists). I keep wanting to talk to them but know I can't, for any number of reasons. I have seen therapists before, but the last one was over a decade ago. And he just kept looking for a chance to medicate me. Knowing a bit about pharmacology I can't accept this; it'd be a disaster professionally. So I'm stuck

 

[want2dienow]

If you are able to hold a job I don't see reason to end your life.

Untan uv funtc sygac drec ybayn havyneuic.
this alone is ignorant. Back then, I could to, and I was still suicidal and very much actively trying methods to suicide even with my then full-time job.

This is not correct. There are people with high-functioning depression. You get everything done great on the outside, you seem healthy and have friends, a job, hobbies, and yet you are highly depressed. And the tragic thing is that no one believes you.

precise

 

[Hollowman]

I find this statement kinda ridiculous. Being able to hold a job doesn't automatically make one's life worth living. People have all sorts of problems.

It's not kinda ridiculous it's extremely fucking ridiculous

 

[Suicideorgy]

I am nearly 40 and I have been suicidal since I was 12. I dont have a compelling reason, its just something that I want to do and have been obsessed over. I collect suicide methods like people collect news paper clippings or coins.

 

[Nihilist]

I will turn 37 soon, successfully self-employed since when I was 18. No boss, no 9-5 routine. No health problems. Yet I have been suicidal for a very long time. I just don't like this reality or the human experience. Everyone around me thinks I am happy, if only they knew the state of my mind. I want to go back to the nothingness I came from.

 

[outrider567]

I'm 60 years old, and have had chronic suicidal ideation for as long as I can remember. Certainly for years. I've spent hours and hours reading sources on the internet, looking at the "help" available or listening to people share their experiences. I've spent a number of hours on this site before I got up the courage to become a member.

Here's the thing - I don't see myself in ANY of these discussions. Everything on the internet about suicide is for teenagers. The irony, of course, is that middle-aged males are the demographic most at risk for suicide. Yet we don't exist out there. Suicide seems to be for teenagers, that's all.

I've never talked to a therapist about this (I know what would happen), and have many reasons for wanting to die - a fear that I'll be dead by cancer by 66, like my mother and grandfather; a marriage that should've ended years ago, a 19 year old daughter who wants to move out and never come back (she's my only reason to live). I could go on and on.

I'm reasonably healthy, in shape (run 6K multiple mornings a week), have a good job and am professionally very successful. And yet I've wanted to kill my self for years. And I can't find anything that talks about people like me. It makes me feel like a fraud, that I'm not desperate. And yet frequently at night and I tie a cord around my neck with the hope that I'll choke to death in my sleep (when I wake up it's always untie).

I just wish I could hear from someone who sounds like me, who could understand me, who could tell me why I want to die. I wish I could see me in these discussions.

'fear because mother and grandfather dead at 66 from cancer' relax, Genetics only accounts for 25% of your expected lifespan--My mother made it(easily) to 90 but my brother is dying at 66, both lifelong smokers--Likewise, my stepmother is 80 and in good health, despite her own mother getting a heart attack at 47

 

[wait.what]

I'm probably part of the demographic you're talking about. I'm going to be 50 soon. Severe depression and suicidality have been part of my life since I was quite young.

Lol @ "a permanent solution to a temporary problem." Sure, if the temporary problem = being alive.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm 42, female and similarly to you- I've had suicidal ideation since I was 10. I don't exactly have a stable job- I'm freelance but I am fortunately 'well' enough to work.

I realise that I have life a whole lot easier than other people and there is probably the potential to make things better for myself if I put in the effort. Still, it's hard to change how you feel isn't it?

Personally, I feel like once you have seriously considered suicide as a preffered option, those thoughts never really go away. They almost become a fallback option for when things just feel too difficult. Maybe not even too difficult but utterly pointless- I SHOULD get a stable job, I should thoroughly tidy the house and fix a whole bunch of stuff that has broken, even just making the effort to keep in touch with friends and family. When 'I'd rather die' is your default thought, it's hard to find the motivation to do anything. Everything just feels like going through the (tedious and pointless) motions.

I admire you for holding on for the sake of your daughter. I am doing the same for my Dad. I'm curious though- may sound like a strange question but- do you want to feel differently? For me, I've felt like this the majority of my life. It feels like a part of who I am now. I feel like thinking another way would be terribly forced and feel inauthentic.

There's probably a part of me that hangs on to feeling like this for familiarity but also I suppose- I've always felt like suicide was my natural conclusion. I actually need to hang on to those thoughts to maybe enable me to do it one day.

For you though- I'm not sure how you feel. If you want to stay around for the sake of your daughter, you may need to end up waiting for a natural death. In which case, maybe it would be good to seek out a therapist to talk to- to try and examine your thinking and (hopefully) make things a little easier on yourself. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you well.

 

[Sky66]

and have many reasons for wanting to die - a fear that I'll be dead by cancer by 66, like my mother and grandfather;

I understand your will to die but you should not fear this. If you get cancer you can ctb whenever you want and even better you can get euthenasia.

 

[Soulless Angel]

If you are able to hold a job I don't see reason to end your life

what a stupid comment/sentence, Chester from Linkin Park had a job, he was doing amazing, He killed himself,
Robin Williams had a job, going fucking incredible, he killed himself,
yes this is two examples of famous people, but it shows that no matter how much you have in life, or what you have in life, sometimes for your soul to be content in this world, its not enough.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I'm around your age… I've always had a sense that life is pointless… It's ruined so many golden opportunities… Even now many things are possible but I only choose to see the worst… I'm tired and I don't want to try anymore… I had achievved a certain standard of living and had to give that up - Poverty does not suit me…

 

[Lily (Osako)]

First, I'm so sorry you're not only suffering, but that you feel so alone in it.
I really think the reason it looks like it's only the younger generation around sites like this is because most people our age aren't as open about being suicidal.
We were taught to never talk about it, and especially you men.
You're absolutely right that middle aged and later middle aged men are the highest demographic for suicide.
Hopefully by you reaching out, more men will feel more comfortable coming forward to talk with you.
I'm a woman not much younger than you and feel a bit of an outsider here as well. But I also know this place is the only place I can be honest about what's going on so I ramble on hoping someone here will understand me.
Everyone regardless of age has been very kind so far. Im grateful for that. But I do understand feeling like an odd man out so to speak.
Sending you a big hug and lots of love. I hope you find your tribe here, I hope we all do.
Sending you a big hug

If you are able to hold a job I don't see reason to end your life. Having said that I know the brain works the way it does and you can't help but have these ideations. Once you realize that it should help. Mental illness has cost me everything. I have PTSD and severe depression. Lost my ability to work, recently my wife left me and soon I lose my home. Not sure how much more I can take

Yikes! That was unnecessary and quite dismissive. We don't know what he's dealing with in his life and having a job absolutely doesn't make life worth living.
This place is also not a competition on whose life is worse and who has a better reason for wanting to ctb.
Having said that, I'm sorry you are also suffering.
Wishing you peace and comfort.

 

[FuneralCry]

I think that older people don't use the internet as much which could explain why there are mostly younger people on here. Also I think that many suicidal people decide to leave before they reach an older age, for me it certainly is horrifying the thought of suffering for many more decades which could also explain why there are less older people. Take no notice of pro lifers/suicide gatekeepers who invalidate suffering and say that someones wish for ctb is not valid. Suicide doesn't even need a reason. Everybody has a right to exit at a time of their own choosing and it's a personal decision when to leave. Best wishes.

 

[takemenowpls]

First, I'm so sorry you're not only suffering, but that you feel so alone in it.
I really think the reason it looks like it's only the younger generation around sites like this is because most people our age aren't as open about being suicidal.
We were taught to never talk about it, and especially you men.
You're absolutely right that middle aged and later middle aged men are the highest demographic for suicide.
Hopefully by you reaching out, more men will feel more comfortable coming forward to talk with you.
I'm a woman not much younger than you and feel a bit of an outsider here as well. But I also know this place is the only place I can be honest about what's going on so I ramble on hoping someone here will understand me.
Everyone regardless of age has been very kind so far. Im grateful for that. But I do understand feeling like an odd man out so to speak.
Sending you a big hug and lots of love. I hope you find your tribe here, I hope we all do.
Sending you a big hug

Yikes! That was unnecessary and quite dismissive. We don't know what he's dealing with in his life and having a job absolutely doesn't make life worth living.
This place is also not a competition on whose life is worse and who has a better reason for wanting to ctb.
Having said that, I'm sorry you are also suffering.
Wishing you peace and comfort.

All. Please forgive me. I did not mean to come across like that. I only meant to give some hope

 

[Doombox]

I'm 63. I think this forum comes across as skewed towards the young because they tend to share more personal information and possibly post more in general. Regarding your discussion here with Regen, I think it's possible to discuss being suicidal with psychologists if one talks about it in general terms...ideation, a desire to be dead...as opposed to stating that one has a specific plan and the means to carry it out. The latter will get you trussed up and hauled off.

 

[Justnotme]

I will turn 37 soon, successfully self-employed since when I was 18. No boss, no 9-5 routine. No health problems. Yet I have been suicidal for a very long time. I just don't like this reality or the human experience. Everyone around me thinks I am happy, if only they knew the state of my mind. I want to go back to the nothingness I came from.

How nice to meet a person who does not like this reality, and this person is enough of this reason not to want to exist in this world. The word "pleasant" in this message may look rude, because it still hurts us to live in this world, but I said this because I do not feel too alone, knowing that there are like-minded people on the planet, no matter how far they are were away from me.

People who feel bad here are afraid of their inner state and force themselves to love this world, society makes these people love this world by force. Therefore, people believe that suicide can only be justified if something terrible happens to the person. For example, rape, dismemberment, and so on.
But it is enough that in this world such an outcome with animals and people generally occurs. Yes, it doesn't happen to you, but it happens to others. And it's so pointless. I believe that the freedom of a person is to leave the world when he wants, not having a disease, not being poor, not being a man without arms and legs. This is the wish of the common man. Everything is simple and complex at the same time. We are obligated to cling to life, and the answers to the question "why cling to the world" will be so stupid ...

Sorry if I occasionally write incomprehensibly. I do not know much English

 

[freedompass]

I am 60 too. I share lots of personal info and pretty much live on the internet. I also have no problem sharing my feelings or anything else. My older brother is the polar opposite. For all I know about him, he could be fantasising about nooses or crashing into a tree at high speed all the way to his high paying job. I feel less of an outsider here than in some other places. Any older people who read this feel free to pm me.

 

[BGooG]

At the moment, I'm resigned to living, albeit miserably. I get some satisfaction out of work, which is why I tell my wife I have no intention of ever retiring. As for therapy, ironically, although my health coverage is generally good, it's mental health coverage isn't great. So what little money we have in the plan we're using for therapy for our daughter. I could get a referral to a psychiatrist, which would be covered by the government (Canada), but this would involve going to my GP, who is pretty worthless. And I certainly couldn't tell him I was suicidal. Probably not even depressed. So I'm stuck at the moment.

It is heartening to see so many responses from across the age range, although that there are this many people who can identify and sympathize is terrifying. Thank you for your well wishes. It's a relief to actually have a place to say this. Other than crying aloud at night, I've never said any of this out loud, to anyone.

 

[rationaltake]

I'm sorry you're suffering. This thread has reminded me that I'm not the only older person on here. In my experience being in limbo - neither committing fully to life nor death - is the very worst state to be in. I hope you find some comfort from this site.