Help I don’t know what to do.

[stillbrthng]

Hey. I'll keep this brief.

I'm gay, stuck in a homophobic country. Each year, it's getting tougher to cope, and finding a decent guy for something real—beyond just hookups—feels impossible. It's honestly driving me up the wall.


I've thought about moving to a less hostile, affordable country and finding work there, but I can't bear the idea of leaving my parents behind. So, the only option I can see is ending it all. I know it sounds ridiculous, but at least my savings would go to my parents. It'd be some way to actually be useful to them.

Also, I can't fully come out because my dad likely wouldn't handle it. He's super sensitive and has a ton of health problems. I don't want to hurt him. But living this double life? I just can't do it anymore.

I'm truly at a loss. It feels like a rope and a tree are all that's left.

 

[Seneca65AD]

It has to be horrible to be stuck in a country where you cannot be yourself. Is if fair to say that staying where you are is not an option? You've indicated you can't come out to your dad - I won't get into that other than to say sometimes it is surprising how folks react. And moving to a less-hostile country does not work because you can't bear the thought of leaving your parents behind; and you obviously have a strong sense of family because you want to leave your parents money to assist them.

Would you reconsider moving to a more open and less expensive country on a temporary basis? You would have the freedom to be yourself - which should relieve the pressure of hiding who you are everyday; and with work in a less-expensive country, you may even be able to send your parents some money. So, you basically get to be the dutiful son sacrificing for your parents, and at the same time, being somewhat yourself in the new "temp" country.

I am not going to suggest coming out to your family, etc. Depending on the country, that type of action could get you ostracized or even much worse, but perhaps just being able to be yourself away from home would give you confidence and strength to be yourself everywhere. And if not, at least your parents have a son who is prepared to work away from home just to assist them in their retirement years - which is not a bad narrative.

 

[stillbrthng]

It has to be horrible to be stuck in a country where you cannot be yourself. Is if fair to say that staying where you are is not an option? You've indicated you can't come out to your dad - I won't get into that other than to say sometimes it is surprising how folks react. And moving to a less-hostile country does not work because you can't bear the thought of leaving your parents behind; and you obviously have a strong sense of family because you want to leave your parents money to assist them.

Would you reconsider moving to a more open and less expensive country on a temporary basis? You would have the freedom to be yourself - which should relieve the pressure of hiding who you are everyday; and with work in a less-expensive country, you may even be able to send your parents some money. So, you basically get to be the dutiful son sacrificing for your parents, and at the same time, being somewhat yourself in the new "temp" country.

I am not going to suggest coming out to your family, etc. Depending on the country, that type of action could get you ostracized or even much worse, but perhaps just being able to be yourself away from home would give you confidence and strength to be yourself everywhere. And if not, at least your parents have a son who is prepared to work away from home just to assist them in their retirement years - which is not a bad narrative.

To be honest, everything is incredibly complicated. It's horribly complicated. And with every passing year, it's getting physically more dangerous to live here.

As for coming out to my relatives and everyone I know — that would be the same as suicide, only worse. Because a son who commits suicide is a tragedy for a father, but a gay son is a disgrace. And that disgrace would fall on my parents too.

And in general, moving abroad — especially moving alone to a foreign country — is extremely risky. I clearly won't get political asylum in any EU country, and my only remaining option would be some non-English speaking place in the middle of nowhere. That just adds more problems.

My mental health is getting worse. One breakdown after another. It feels like I've developed bipolar disorder or something close to it — just from living under constant pressure all my life. At 4:19 I feel like I'm on top of the world, at 4:20 I feel like I should just end everything.

I just want a completely ordinary life, like an ordinary person. I can't even imagine what I've supposedly done to deserve all this.

And the saddest — and at the same time darkly funny — part is that I can only write this on a forum dedicated to suicide.

Anyway, thank you for your reply. Even if it did feel a bit like AI (no offense), it was nice that someone tried to support me.

 

[shelter_of_sorts]

I'm really sorry for your situation and that the world is the way it is.

I don't know the situation in your country, but is it possible to find community with other people who can understand? Even if you can't leave the country, having that kind of support can make a world of difference.

 

[stillbrthng]

I'm really sorry for your situation and that the world is the way it is.

I don't know the situation in your country, but is it possible to find community with other people who can understand? Even if you can't leave the country, having that kind of support can make a world of difference.

You can't do it legally. Even chats and groups on social media get monitored, and if someone recognizes you there, the best-case scenario is they put you on a watchlist. Worst case — they throw you in prison, and that place breaks people. Torture, humiliation — you're not getting out the same person.

Even trying to meet new people through apps is risky. Especially because I live in a small town where everyone knows everyone.

 

[shelter_of_sorts]

You can't do it legally. Even chats and groups on social media get monitored, and if someone recognizes you there, the best-case scenario is they put you on a watchlist. Worst case — they throw you in prison, and that place breaks people. Torture, humiliation — you're not getting out the same person.

Even trying to meet new people through apps is risky. Especially because I live in a small town where everyone knows everyone.

I'm so sorry. That really is beyond horrible. I can't imagine how living in that kind of environment must weigh on you every day. I'm living in the closet as far as my parents, but things in my country are nowhere near as severe as yours at this point. It's no wonder that you feel trapped and hopeless, I think anyone would feel that way in your situation.

You haven't done anything to deserve it. No one could deserve to live under those conditions. Life just deals some of us a raw deal. I hate that you have to feel any kind of shame or fear when all you want is to live a normal life like anyone else.

I can't relate to your situation, but I'm also in one that's miserable and that seems to have no available solutions. A better life is hypothetically possible for me, but realistically there's no path I can take to get there. That's why I'm here, too. To be around people who can actually understand.

 

[stillbrthng]

I'm so sorry. That really is beyond horrible. I can't imagine how living in that kind of environment must weigh on you every day. I'm living in the closet as far as my parents, but things in my country are nowhere near as severe as yours at this point. It's no wonder that you feel trapped and hopeless, I think anyone would feel that way in your situation.

You haven't done anything to deserve it. No one could deserve to live under those conditions. Life just deals some of us a raw deal. I hate that you have to feel any kind of shame or fear when all you want is to live a normal life like anyone else.

I can't relate to your situation, but I'm also in one that's miserable and that seems to have no available solutions. A better life is hypothetically possible for me, but realistically there's no path I can take to get there. That's why I'm here, too. To be around people who can actually understand.

I hear you. Escapism and solitude kind of "help," in a way. It's simpler to just keep to myself and not talk to anyone. Though lately, I've been muttering my thoughts out loud more often.

I'm sorry you're also stuck hiding who you are. I get how heavy that feels. Honestly, I'm not sure how to cheer you up, friend. I can think of a thousand reasons to keep going, but after a while, even I stop believing in them.

The only thing that makes leaving harder is the people who care about me. Even if I found a way to push them away, they'd still figure out I did it on purpose if I ctb. I hate myself, I hate this place, but not those close to me, even if I'm just a burden to them anyway.

Thanks for the reply, friend.