I don't see a future for myself. I am also unwilling to improve.

[playing_ostrich]

(Warning: Very long rants and kind of pointless lol)

I think I have some kind of personality disorder. I've felt it for as long as I can remember. I feel like I am the person in this quote: "You can't save someone who doesn't want saving"

I don't want saving I just want it to be over. I've been very privileged and given up or simply didn't take the opportunities I was given. Wasted hours and years just doing nothing. I can never get that time back. I can never get those opportunities back. I can never take back the countless times I've embarrassed myself and been looked down on by others. Lost their respect when I couldn't keep the facade up.

Also, this anger I experience is just unbearable. I've never been in a real relationship (possibly for the best) because I know I would eventually abuse the person I was with. The only difference now is I acknowledge and agree I have these issues, but I refuse to do the work necessary. Idk everything about me just feels off and wrong.

I know if I don't end it soon, I will just continue to stagnate and do nothing. I REFUSE TO ENTER MY 20'S LIKE THIS. Either I do the work (Which I won't) even just thinking about doing it makes my blood boil. Or I end it. I've listened to many arguments against suicide and none of them really work. (ignoring the religious ones though..)


1. Suicide is the coward's way out and only losers choose this option

Me: Don't think most people who die by suicide are, but in my case yeah, I agree with you. I am a total coward and loser. My ego is already completely destroyed, and this only allows me to pity myself even more. What a pathetic existence I am! Only thing left to do is end it! :)

2. Your parent(s), relatives, and friends will be left destroyed

Me: I honestly don't care. I like your attempt at guilt tripping me though lol. Also, I don't have any friends I pushed away the very few I had quite a whiles ago. This is my choice. If I didn't have any say in being born in this crazy world then I should AT THE VERY LEAST have the last say of when I want to go.

3. It gets better

Me: Maybe, but I myself don't see it getting better. The only times was when I was manic and I know I was never in a clear state of mind when having those thoughts. Also fuck people who say this, ya'll are the same peoples that repeat your "pull yourself by the bootstraps" mantra. Ah, what is that thing you always tell us?
"YOU THINK LIFE IS HARD? DEAL WITH IT, BE A MAN! LIFE ISN'T ABOUT LIVING ITS ABOUT SURVIVING!"
Funny you say this, but when the person is suicidal you say the exact opposite... "LIFE IS HARD, BUT IT GETS BETTER" You are just manipulating me to continue living when you yourself is miserable half the time, playing mental gymnastics to keep living.


Conclusion:

I'm weak, pathetic, and useless. No skills whatsoever, my mere existence is an embarrassment. Never achieved anything in my life. Got awful grades I don't even understand how I passed my classes. I don't know what else to say, everything about me is just wrong... I just can't get myself to help myself.

Simply, I'd rather be known as the guy that recently died and quickly forgotten about than be a man child, used as an example for other kids of what not to do and be.

Also, the more I think about it, life in general is just shitty. I'm sorry to put it bluntly, but if you miss your milestones its EXTREMELY difficult to catch up. And observing just how much mental and physical stress people go through is pretty terrifying. It's terrifying knowing just how far a human being can suffer.

I kind of think of life like how humans build trust with each other. It's very difficult to gain someone's trust, but very easy to break it. Like that its tough to build a decent life for yourself yet its so easy to destroy it all, sometimes it breaks through no fault of your own. It doesn't seem worth it at all.


I will acknowledge maybe a small part of me wants to live, I do question this part of myself though. Who knows maybe when I do attempt suicide I will survive and have this ~life altering experience~ and forever be motivated to be the best person I can be )) however that seems like la la la land and I doubt It. But I will admit I have no idea what the future holds for me. Maybe I will succeed and that will be that or I won't. I really don't know.

 

[FuneralCry]

To me life really is so awful, and it is also so cruel and unfair. I could never want to live no matter what and I am horrified by all of the suffering in this world. Just the fact that so much pain exists is enough to make me want to leave. I also see no future for myself but I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do.

 

[Sarros]

I can relate to a lot of this. Specifically, how missing important milestones can make a real difference in your life. I don't think normal people know how certain aspects of your life just fall apart if you miss them and don't develop properly.

 

[FallingGrace]

Is there anything in life that brings you joy?

 

[playing_ostrich]

Is there anything in life that brings you joy?

Yes, but not enough that motivates me to stay alive when I see a relatively pleasant way to ctb. I think the only other thing is if I cared about someone deeply, though I don't have that. Probably for the best.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Well, you're still holding on to that bitch named Hope. Or, I should say, that she still holds onto you. The thing about that bitch is that she leaves when she is good and ready, not when you think she should go. Until then, I suspect, you will hang around. And, if you do nothing to "fix" yourself, as you say, you'll be hanging around exactly as you are now. No one is going to fix your shit for you. You either do it or you don't. It's really that simple. Everyone has their own problems to deal with, whether it seems like they have problems or not. And I agree with you that it is probably a good thing that you've never been a real relationship because you would have just abused the poor girl, adding to her problems. Why would she need that shit? No one deserves having more shit thrust upon them, especially from someone who says he's too lazy to do anything to fix his own shit! Maybe you are truly unable to fix your own shit. It's survival of the fittest, baby!

 

[playing_ostrich]

Well, you're still holding on to that bitch named Hope. Or, I should say, that she still holds onto you. The thing about that bitch is that she leaves when she is good and ready, not when you think she should go. Until then, I suspect, you will hang around. And, if you do nothing to "fix" yourself, as you say, you'll be hanging around exactly as you are now. No one is going to fix your shit for you. You either do it or you don't. It's really that simple. Everyone has their own problems to deal with, whether it seems like they have problems or not. And I agree with you that it is probably a good thing that you've never been a real relationship because you would have just abused the poor girl, adding to her problems. Why would she need that shit? No one deserves having more shit thrust upon them, especially from someone who says he's too lazy to do anything to fix his own shit! Maybe you are truly unable to fix your own shit. It's survival of the fittest, baby!

I think my bitch, Hope is equivalent to that little voice that tells me not to give in to my old ways. I hear it but I still cave into my old habits, eventually. I may hesitate, but if ctb is that easy I will give in. Then again, I can't really know what the future will be until it happens. I do agree with everything else you said though. Survival of fittest indeed.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

I feel that.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

but if ctb is that easy I will give in.

That's the thing............CTB is not that easy.

 

[playing_ostrich]

That's the thing............CTB is not that easy.

Oh..? Care to explain?

 

[solisoccasus]

(Warning: Very long rants and kind of pointless lol)

I think I have some kind of personality disorder. I've felt it for as long as I can remember. I feel like I am the person in this quote: "You can't save someone who doesn't want saving"

I don't want saving I just want it to be over. I've been very privileged and given up or simply didn't take the opportunities I was given. Wasted hours and years just doing nothing. I can never get that time back. I can never get those opportunities back. I can never take back the countless times I've embarrassed myself and been looked down on by others. Lost their respect when I couldn't keep the facade up.

Also, this anger I experience is just unbearable. I've never been in a real relationship (possibly for the best) because I know I would eventually abuse the person I was with. The only difference now is I acknowledge and agree I have these issues, but I refuse to do the work necessary. Idk everything about me just feels off and wrong.

I know if I don't end it soon, I will just continue to stagnate and do nothing. I REFUSE TO ENTER MY 20'S LIKE THIS. Either I do the work (Which I won't) even just thinking about doing it makes my blood boil. Or I end it. I've listened to many arguments against suicide and none of them really work. (ignoring the religious ones though..)


1. Suicide is the coward's way out and only losers choose this option

Me: Don't think most people who die by suicide are, but in my case yeah, I agree with you. I am a total coward and loser. My ego is already completely destroyed, and this only allows me to pity myself even more. What a pathetic existence I am! Only thing left to do is end it! :)

2. Your parent(s), relatives, and friends will be left destroyed

Me: I honestly don't care. I like your attempt at guilt tripping me though lol. Also, I don't have any friends I pushed away the very few I had quite a whiles ago. This is my choice. If I didn't have any say in being born in this crazy world then I should AT THE VERY LEAST have the last say of when I want to go.

3. It gets better

Me: Maybe, but I myself don't see it getting better. The only times was when I was manic and I know I was never in a clear state of mind when having those thoughts. Also fuck people who say this, ya'll are the same peoples that repeat your "pull yourself by the bootstraps" mantra. Ah, what is that thing you always tell us?
"YOU THINK LIFE IS HARD? DEAL WITH IT, BE A MAN! LIFE ISN'T ABOUT LIVING ITS ABOUT SURVIVING!"
Funny you say this, but when the person is suicidal you say the exact opposite... "LIFE IS HARD, BUT IT GETS BETTER" You are just manipulating me to continue living when you yourself is miserable half the time, playing mental gymnastics to keep living.


Conclusion:

I'm weak, pathetic, and useless. No skills whatsoever, my mere existence is an embarrassment. Never achieved anything in my life. Got awful grades I don't even understand how I passed my classes. I don't know what else to say, everything about me is just wrong... I just can't get myself to help myself.

Simply, I'd rather be known as the guy that recently died and quickly forgotten about than be a man child, used as an example for other kids of what not to do and be.

Also, the more I think about it, life in general is just shitty. I'm sorry to put it bluntly, but if you miss your milestones its EXTREMELY difficult to catch up. And observing just how much mental and physical stress people go through is pretty terrifying. It's terrifying knowing just how far a human being can suffer.

I kind of think of life like how humans build trust with each other. It's very difficult to gain someone's trust, but very easy to break it. Like that its tough to build a decent life for yourself yet its so easy to destroy it all, sometimes it breaks through no fault of your own. It doesn't seem worth it at all.


I will acknowledge maybe a small part of me wants to live, I do question this part of myself though. Who knows maybe when I do attempt suicide I will survive and have this ~life altering experience~ and forever be motivated to be the best person I can be )) however that seems like la la la land and I doubt It. But I will admit I have no idea what the future holds for me. Maybe I will succeed and that will be that or I won't. I really don't know.

I guess we all have struggles and some deal with it the other way around. Some people disagree coz of their beliefs and opinions but they don't know how hard you go through just to go thru life. And they will never know the pain that you have to deal with every dingle day, the tears that flows in your eyes every minute you have flashbacks. And i guess everything don't matter anymore. You just want to end it.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Oh..? Care to explain?

What about your SI? You don't think you have it? Everybody has it.

 

[playing_ostrich]

What about your SI? You don't think you have it? Everybody has it.

SI? What does that mean? Fear of death or something? Tried looking it up.

Oh, I see. SI = Survival instinct? Yeah, of course I do have an SI. I'm not going to jump to my death though. I don't want to be too arrogant so I won't assume. I don't know how I will react, I will just conclude it there.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

SI? What does that mean? Fear of death or something? Tried looking it up.

Survival instinct. Your self's resistence to death. It's why many of us are still here.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

SI? What does that mean? Fear of death or something? Tried looking it up.

Oh, I see. SI = Survival instinct? Yeah, of course I do have an SI. I'm not going to jump to my death though. I don't want to be too arrogant so I won't assume. I don't know how I will react, I will just conclude it there.

SI isn't just about jumping to your death. It's there in ANY method you choose. You know, lifting the glass of N or SN to your lips and actually swallowing it. Holding a gun to your head and actually squeezing the trigger. Doesn't matter what method. SI creeps in. That's why CTB is hard.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I feel a lot of the same and it sucks.

 

[playing_ostrich]

You don't want to fix your bullshit then it's your moral obligation to stay the hell away from society. Go out into the wilderness or something if you think you're so goddamn pathetic that you can't. Or jail, but who's to say they'll like you in there lol. (And btw I got this same advice when I talked to recovered narcissists. If they can be strong and recover what's your excuse?) Human beings have an indefinite level of tolerance for distress, look inside yourself and you will find it. I have survived very distressing things I have been pushedway beyond my limits and I still have no excuse. I had so many last straws and I am still here. If burn survivors and the homeless are still here we should be too. Humans just lie to themselves that they can't do hard things. You ar experiencing psychological distress. It is not stage 5 leukaemia. You can be cured and recover.

I don't have an excuse, nor do I need one. I want out, that is simply it. There is nothing in this world that ties me emotionally enough to stay in. I do agree in a sense that if I don't want to get my things together, I should just go someplace else. Whether it be wilderness, jail, or death. Though I definitely don't agree humans have an indefinite level of tolerance for distress... If that were true, this website wouldn't exist in the first place lol.

im already pretty deflated rn so jabbing at my pride doesn't work. TimeLawyer, heres the thing... There is no cure to a personality disorder just constant work day in and day out. I've given up already. TimeLawyer also please read about Survivorship Bias... Just because a depressed person, burned person, homeless person idk whatever person recovers doesn't mean everyone does or will.

I do appreciate you trying to "fire me up" for lack of a better word. I'm pretty set now on what I want. I do know a million different things can possibly go wrong. If I am still alive, maybe that will give me enough pull to be better, but we'll see.

 

[whatevs]

You really make a strong case. I'm not even going to try to advice anything, I'm in a similar boat.

I'm just gonna ask you, what kind of personality disorder you think you might have? I'm curious.

 

[playing_ostrich]

You really make a strong case. I'm not even going to try to advice anything, I'm in a similar boat.

I'm just gonna ask you, what kind of personality disorder you think you might have? I'm curious.

NPD no doubt in my mind.

 

[motel rooms]

(And btw I got this same advice when I talked to recovered narcissists. If they can be strong and recover what's your excuse?) Human beings have an indefinite level of tolerance for distress, look inside yourself and you will find it. I have survived very distressing things I have been pushed way beyond my limits and I still have no excuse. I had so many last straws and I am still here. If burn survivors and the homeless are still here we should be too. Humans just lie to themselves that they can't do hard things. You ar experiencing psychological distress. It is not stage 5 leukaemia. You can be cured and recover.

Human beings have an indefinite level of tolerance for distress? If burn survivors and the homeless are still here, we should be here too? You do realize that this is a pro-choice suicide forum, don't you?

 

[motel rooms]

Indefinite, not infinite. That is the key word here.

Does that mean that people don't get to define what their level of tolerance for distress is/decide when they've had enough?

I thought there was another side to the "disruptive people in society/unrecovered from mental health problem" debate, but the other side doesn't exist. There is no debate. "Anti recovery" is not a point of view.

Does that mean it's unacceptable for a person to come to the conclusion that they can't recover from a mental health problem?

 

[Slimetae]

I feel you opportunity's passed and also never really had a "real" long term relationships Bc don't wanna put my issues on somone else been called lazy when I just don't see the point of any of it call it whatever you want I know the world and society will continue without me since it's not like I'm contributing to it anyways nor do I want too

 

[whatevs]

NPD no doubt in my mind.

My man!! I'm a vulnerable narcissist myself. At the core of my disorder there is pathological disdain, hatred, disconnection and fear. I am closer to a psychopath than the average person. But I can be a very loyal friend and a hard worker. Overall I don't fit in with society at all, so my dark side got potentiated.

 

[TimeLawyer]

I apologies everyone for my comments in this thread I realise they may have been harsh I'm just tired and saying things I don't even know if I believe myself. I think the forum just got to me after all these years I tried to live the way people on here advocate for but failed. I came for the validation, but got none and shouldn't have stuck around where I have no place being. Abuse. That word just fucking haunts me and I try but I see it on fucking everything now because of this site. Ignore my stupid posts.

 

[motel rooms]

In a small number of cases it would be acceptable. But those who either legitimately can't or won't cause a problem to society and should either go into the wilderness or be housed in a locked facility away from legitimate non abusive citizens so trauma survivors and children are safe. People can define when they have had enough but only after removal of any and all doubt that they can't recover.

We have a duty to be logical and consider all evidence, including people who have pushed the limits of human tolerance to pain and have survived.

It's none of anyone's business if I decide my suffering is too much for me to bear & ctb. What does my tolerance for pain have to do with anyone else's pain tolerance? Should all the other SS members who have C-PTSD due to childhood sexual abuse be forced to stay alive just because I haven't killed myself?

Dying is an option but only for those whose families and friends have fully made peace with and are okay with their death. If people will be traumatized by the death of someone who actually legitimately cannot recover that person should be in a locked facility or in the wilderness, alive.

WTF? Someone who can't recover should be in a locked facility or in the fucking wilderness? That is fair & compassionate?! Why does the suffering of a person left behind after a suicide count more than the unbearable suffering of a suicidal person?

 

[whatevs]

It's none of anyone's business if I decide my suffering is too much for me to bear & ctb. What does my tolerance for pain have to do with anyone else's pain tolerance? Should all the other SS members who have C-PTSD due to childhood sexual abuse be forced to stay alive just because I haven't killed myself?



WTF? Someone who can't recover should be in a locked facility or in the fucking wilderness? That is fair & compassionate?! Why does the suffering of a person left behind after a suicide count more than the unbearable suffering of a suicidal person?

That user doesn't deserve a response, to be honest. It's either a troll or dense as a rock. Banning will ensue shortly with these opinions, if they really are opinions and not trolling.

 

[TimeLawyer]

It's none of anyone's business if I decide my suffering is too much for me to bear & ctb. What does my tolerance for pain have to do with anyone else's pain tolerance? Should all the other SS members who have C-PTSD due to childhood sexual abuse be forced to stay alive just because I haven't killed myself?



WTF? Someone who can't recover should be in a locked facility or in the fucking wilderness? That is fair & compassionate?! Why does the suffering of a person left behind after a suicide count more than the unbearable suffering of a suicidal person?

I apologise for the quoted comments I was tired and something in me snapped I used to express the exact same thoughts on here but this forum is not good for me I should have left ages ago this forum is invalidating and I felt I couldn't be myself anymore I see abuse in anything now cause of this forum and being invalidated and told things like I was saying above. I do regret what I said and will delete my account now

 

[WorthlessTrash]

I apologise for the quoted comments I was tired and something in me snapped I used to express the exact same thoughts on here but this forum is not good for me I should have left ages ago this forum is invalidating and I felt I couldn't be myself anymore I see abuse in anything now cause of this forum and being invalidated and told things like I was saying above. I do regret what I said and will delete my account now

I am sorry, but that's not really an excuse. You had the cognitive ability to type out your response as you were thinking about it, the ability to actively press the enter button to submit your post, the ability to keep beating the dead horse with your arguments, and when others on here called you out on it, you decide to backpedal. I doubt if others besides the OP were arguing with you, you would have backpedaled like that. You knew very well what you were doing on here.

 

[TimeLawyer]

I am sorry, but that's not really an excuse. You had the cognitive ability to type out your response as you were thinking about it, the ability to actively press the enter button to submit your post, the ability to keep beating the dead horse with your arguments, and when others on here called you out on it, you decide to backpedal. I doubt if others besides the OP were arguing with you, you would have backpedaled like that. You knew very well what you were doing on here.

As I said above I do regret going at op like that I knew what I was doing yes and as I said I do regret that it was kind of a personal attack.

 

[Alex6216]

I apologies everyone for my comments in this thread I realise they may have been harsh I'm just tired and saying things I don't even know if I believe myself. I think the forum just got to me after all these years I tried to live the way people on here advocate for but failed. I came for the validation, but got none and shouldn't have stuck around where I have no place being. Abuse. That word just fucking haunts me and I try but I see it on fucking everything now because of this site. Ignore my stupid posts.

I dont understand the people here who are severely angry. I dont think you did anything wrong, you just wanted to suggest an alternative for whatever he's dealing with. This place is pro-choice so while we should be allowed to discuss methods, people show be allowed to talk about other stuff