Venting i don't like self-injury anymore

[tsumihoroboshi]

i still have so much unresolved trauma to process. i've ruined my arms and i've ruined my own health and for what?? why?? re-watching things i watched as a child where i had no Physical scars yet. i feel so. i dunno. far away from myself. whatever "myself" is. disassociated.

the more attention i get on social media through my art makes me scared bcus i don't want any sort of popularity this late in my life. i don't like having so many eyes on me. i just want to exist away from it. so many people watching me and waiting for my public screw-ups. ex-friends that want to make me miserable because i wronged them. "you don't deserve all this attention". i really don't, but leave me alone.

i miss the times in my childhood that weren't so bad much. there was so much bad. constantly. the moments of peace are what i want back. growing up and realising i've ruined my body as an act of defiance and rebellion against myself because i hate myself so much has made me worse.

this is where it needs to finally stop. this constant self-harm NEEDS TO STOP. i wasn't the happiest kid at all. but i used to have a personality at least. i have to?? take CARE of my physical body? so hard to do from years of neglect. i have bad cholesterol now. that's something i have to worry about now. why.

i'll never stop wanting to die, i'll never stop attempting because i simply i have too many sins that i can only atone for in death, but the self-injury itself needs to. stop. i cant keep doing this. me and my friends are still in this edgy "i like the blood though" which. isn't healthy, i know.

i won't have peace of mind otherwise. and i have to constantly keep asking if i even deserve that. WHY? i have to resolve "why".

well. i know "why". every cut is a new "atonement". the true "atonement" though is through death. simply death. one day i will have attempted successfully and i won't burden any of them anymore. "callout" a dead person. that's the new thing to do, right?

sorry for the babbling. i feel like people here would understand my plight more-so than, well, my friends.

 

[untothedepths]

People can be unforgiving, even when it could be just someone going through a hard time, petty disagreements, or even ridiculous misunderstandings. It's so hard to lose people you were close to, I know that all too well. I'm sorry you have had to go through this. I do wish to ask: would there be a way you would like to share your art but keep as much anonymity as possible? I know it may not be a solution to the core problem you face, but if there is any sort of suggestion I could give, maybe it is that.

 

[tsumihoroboshi]

People can be unforgiving, even when it could be just someone going through a hard time, petty disagreements, or even ridiculous misunderstandings. It's so hard to lose people you were close to, I know that all too well. I'm sorry you have had to go through this. I do wish to ask: would there be a way you would like to share your art but keep as much anonymity as possible? I know it may not be a solution to the core problem you face, but if there is any sort of suggestion I could give, maybe it is that.

i think there could be a way, but i've already posted so much as it is with the following i have that it seems impossible to just start over at all. its like i have to just keep it very personal or something. i've been trying to be online less and less though, hoping i fade into obscurity.

 

[LocalAngel]

I understand fully. I'm addicted to self harm as well. There was a point in my life where i didn't care about my scars, because i was romantically with someone who didn't care whatsoever. But now that i'm single, anytime i meet somebody new i'm suddenly reminded of all my scars, worrying about judgements and weird looks.

I will say that if you feel like you need to cut in order to cope or stay alive, and you DONT want to die, then cutting is probably something you might need during times of crisis. It's a coping mechanism for a reason after all.

I wish i could offer some form of advice other then simply.. choose your friends wisely. As much as i hate to say it, some aren't worth keeping around if they judge you extensively for your problems. It's a constant issue in this world- judgement leads to so many deaths indirectly and directly. I know that's vague, but it's vague for a reason.

You are not bad because you did a bad thing.
That's what i tell myself to live with the guilt of having also hurt others, at least...

 

[untothedepths]

i think there could be a way, but i've already posted so much as it is with the following i have that it seems impossible to just start over at all. its like i have to just keep it very personal or something. i've been trying to be online less and less though, hoping i fade into obscurity.

I see, I can see how it would be hard to start over. Work put in does make it harder to just start over again, not to mention you would probably have to de-personalize interactions possibly.