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Mar 20, 2018
I was recently dumped by someone who I will refer to as F. I'm not really too upset about it, just annoyed that I wasted my time. What's really bothering me is one of my exes who I'll refer to as D. Now, this may seem trivial but hold on a second.

I've been in many relationships and all but one were abusive. F, just like my previous relationships, emotionally abused me, told me to shut up and I took it because I thought that I was the one who wasn't doing enough. I thought it was my fault that the relationship was rocky. However, D was the one good person in the sea of abusive exes.

D and I only broke up after almost two years bc my living situation has gotten in the way multiple times. BUT he was the first person to try to make our relationship work not only once but OVER FIVE TIMES. So when he couldn't take it anymore, I let him go because no one had tried for me so hard to his own inconvenience. The situation was not fair to him at all and we're actually very good friends because he's a really good person.

I've had a few days to think and now I know that I'm still in love with D. I got together with F so fast because I wanted to replace D but of course, that only worked out terribly. D is supportive of everything I do and understood that my depression would not be cured just because I'm in a relationship. I love him and I miss him.

Another thing that made me realize that I still had feelings from him was when D proposed being FWB again (that's how we started before we began dating) and he did it in the most respectful and non slimy way, which I didn't know was possible. It reminded me of how he would ask or say anything in the most polite way in which NO ONE thought was possible at all.

"I did miss you. I sometimes think about you however I also feel what we had as friends with benefits was the center at least for me I don't know about you but I missed that no binds thing we had. It's even hard for me to find a partner because I feel like you were sexually matching with me. I hope that came out right. If not I'm sorry."

I told him no even though I wanted to say yes. But I know myself well enough to know that if I slept with him again, I would fall all over in love again and I can't take that pain. He apologized and said he understood and then we went right back to talking casually with NO tension at all. I'm tempted to tell him that I changed my mind but I can't put myself through that again and I can't put him through that either.

Do I wait until I'm over him? I certainly don't want to cut him off because he's a really genuine guy. I mean, after our break up, I had no negative traits to shit on. My friends still think he's cool and his friends still think I'm cool (even though I think his friends are all better than me). It took about a month but after that, I was able to talk to him without crying.

I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. F dumping me only just made me realize how much better D is and how much better he was than anyone I have ever been with.

I'm sorry but I had to put this somewhere and I personally don't trust my therapist 100%.