I don't know what to do

[Aboutblue]

I had happiness. I was with my ex for 9 years. Then I broke everything and ruined our relationship. She wants nothing to do with me and won't ever speak to me again.

Every day is hell. I've been miserable for a year. Nothing helps, it only distracts from the pain for a while.

I don't really want to die, I want her to talk to me. But she won't so death seems like the answer to it all. The problem is I can't even pull the trigger on buying SN. I keep telling myself it's pointless because I don't have the energy or desire to get the other needed medications. So then there's the bridge. I'm near a popular suicide spot. But you can't stand on it. I would have to get out of my car, slightly blocking traffic, and I know if I do that and don't jump I'm going straight back to the psych ward.

I hate my life and myself. I see no hope and no future. And still I'm here. Why? For fuck's sake, why can't I just do it? Maybe I'll be happy as I die. I don't know. I can't know until I try. But I can't try if I don't really want to succeed.

Anyone else feel completely stuck? If only I could be brave enough to do it.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I had an broke up with my ex years ago. It was a bad time , too. It took more than a year to get over it. At least for me it did. And it wasn't that I liked her that much when we broke up, it was more the idea of being alone. When we broke up there were a lot of things I hated about her, and I'm sure plenty of things she hated about me. We didn't have any kids together, so I never had to see her again. But, it was hard, still.

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case, I am trapped in this world as it is so hard to leave. Suicide really is so difficult after all, I know that I could never jump. More than anything I wish that it was easier to leave this world, all that I want is to peacefully pass away. I'm sorry that you are suffering so much, it must be so devastating being in that situation. I know that it can be unbearable living a life that you hate. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[SuicidallyCurious]

I've posted this before and I'll post it again

I'm glad I do not have the ability to love. I couldn't imagine anything worse in life than wanting to die due to lost love

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

My life had a lot of problems in it before I met my ex. We were together for three years in which I was able to indulge in some kind of delusion that all I needed was her. When she broke up everything collapsed. Now I'm just living amidst the ruins. Zero motivation. No future.
I had plenty of time to ruminate and realize that the seeds of distraction go all the way back to infancy. Needing another human being to inspire me and make me sane
Is, itself, a pathology.
At some point you wake up and realize that you're simply profoundly defective. And decades of therapy were simply a waste of money.

 

[JamieJambo]

I had happiness. I was with my ex for 9 years. Then I broke everything and ruined our relationship. She wants nothing to do with me and won't ever speak to me again.

Every day is hell. I've been miserable for a year. Nothing helps, it only distracts from the pain for a while.

I don't really want to die, I want her to talk to me. But she won't so death seems like the answer to it all. The problem is I can't even pull the trigger on buying SN. I keep telling myself it's pointless because I don't have the energy or desire to get the other needed medications. So then there's the bridge. I'm near a popular suicide spot. But you can't stand on it. I would have to get out of my car, slightly blocking traffic, and I know if I do that and don't jump I'm going straight back to the psych ward.

I hate my life and myself. I see no hope and no future. And still I'm here. Why? For fuck's sake, why can't I just do it? Maybe I'll be happy as I die. I don't know. I can't know until I try. But I can't try if I don't really want to succeed.

Anyone else feel completely stuck? If only I could be brave enough to do it.

Yeah man same business for me tbh... I feel the same I dont want to be here, yet I just cant bring myself to end my life. Tbh

Its fucking hard ending your life is tough. Near impossible

I feel utterly stuck

 

[SuicidallyCurious]

My life had a lot of problems in it before I met my ex. We were together for three years in which I was able to indulge in some kind of delusion that all I needed was her. When she broke up everything collapsed. Now I'm just living amidst the ruins. Zero motivation. No future.
I had plenty of time to ruminate and realize that the seeds of distraction go all the way back to infancy. Needing another human being to inspire me and make me sane
Is, itself, a pathology.
At some point you wake up and realize that you're simply profoundly defective. And decades of therapy were simply a waste of money.

this would be my worst fear. If I had to rely on one specific individual emotionally , that would be terrifying .

 

[Aboutblue]

My life had a lot of problems in it before I met my ex. We were together for three years in which I was able to indulge in some kind of delusion that all I needed was her. When she broke up everything collapsed. Now I'm just living amidst the ruins. Zero motivation. No future.
I had plenty of time to ruminate and realize that the seeds of distraction go all the way back to infancy. Needing another human being to inspire me and make me sane
Is, itself, a pathology.
At some point you wake up and realize that you're simply profoundly defective. And decades of therapy were simply a waste of money.

I really feel this. I took my ex for granted near the end but when she left I realized it was the one thing actually giving my life meaning. And I know, especially because all my friends have told me this, that needing someone this badly isn't normal. I'm defective too. I need someone else to complete me because I'm so empty inside.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

I really feel this. I took my ex for granted near the end but when she left I realized it was the one thing actually giving my life meaning. And I know, especially because all my friends have told me this, that needing someone this badly isn't normal. I'm defective too. I need someone else to complete me because I'm so empty inside.

I absolutely feel that.

 

[whywere]

I have never, at least I do not remember that I have, spoke of this before, I was married once, yep sure was, and I found out that she had drained the checking account and blew it all at a casino. I gave her a choice of seeking treatment or divorce and she sought out treatment. Well 4 years later, I got a notice from the bank stating that $10,000 was withdrawn at 1 time from checking. Yep, she was back at her old habit of slot machine jockey, and this time I filed for divorce in a split second.

It was HELL, the messy divorce proceedings and being by myself. BUT I told myself early on that I was better off without having to look over my shoulder each and every day and wondering if I was getting screwed financially.

The first 6 months or so was really hell, as I was traveling for work on a constant basis and when I would come back it was by myself, but that is when I stumbled upon Sanctioned Suicide and was allowed to join. My 2nd attempt was 100% because of her and it got me locked up for 2 weeks and then 6 months of supervised release upon which I had to meet with a state person once a week.

So yep, I have a somewhat good idea of what you are experiencing, and I will say this: 1st and foremost take care of yourself, eat well, get plenty of rest and if you have friends seek them out. 2nd, take time to reflect on why you wanted it to work so badly, as you are a very kind, thoughtful and caring soul, I picked that up in your post, and there are women out there that would love to be friends and maybe more, with someone of your high caliber. You mentioned about being defective, I totally disagree with that assessment as you just have not found someone yet, and it surely will happen, that want a 50/50 relationship with you and wants to hold hands and watch an awesome sunset together.

Even though I am 66 years young, I still look and hold out hope that I can find someone to share experiences with. I never ever give up and every day is the beginning of newfound chances that might happen that day, never know!

All my best to you, as you WILL find and have a soul who is as kind and caring as you, a perfect match made in Heaven.

Have a great upcoming weekend and have faith my good friend.

Walter

 

[SuicidallyCurious]

I have never, at least I do not remember that I have, spoke of this before, I was married once, yep sure was, and I found out that she had drained the checking account and blew it all at a casino. I gave her a choice of seeking treatment or divorce and she sought out treatment. Well 4 years later, I got a notice from the bank stating that $10,000 was withdrawn at 1 time from checking. Yep, she was back at her old habit of slot machine jockey, and this time I filed for divorce in a split second.

It was HELL, the messy divorce proceedings and being by myself. BUT I told myself early on that I was better off without having to look over my shoulder each and every day and wondering if I was getting screwed financially.

The first 6 months or so was really hell, as I was traveling for work on a constant basis and when I would come back it was by myself, but that is when I stumbled upon Sanctioned Suicide and was allowed to join. My 2nd attempt was 100% because of her and it got me locked up for 2 weeks and then 6 months of supervised release upon which I had to meet with a state person once a week.

So yep, I have a somewhat good idea of what you are experiencing, and I will say this: 1st and foremost take care of yourself, eat well, get plenty of rest and if you have friends seek them out. 2nd, take time to reflect on why you wanted it to work so badly, as you are a very kind, thoughtful and caring soul, I picked that up in your post, and there are women out there that would love to be friends and maybe more, with someone of your high caliber. You mentioned about being defective, I totally disagree with that assessment as you just have not found someone yet, and it surely will happen, that want a 50/50 relationship with you and wants to hold hands and watch an awesome sunset together.

Even though I am 66 years young, I still look and hold out hope that I can find someone to share experiences with. I never ever give up and every day is the beginning of newfound chances that might happen that day, never know!

All my best to you, as you WILL find and have a soul who is as kind and caring as you, a perfect match made in Heaven.

Have a great upcoming weekend and have faith my good friend.

Walter

I live in a place that is full of chronic gamblers. They'll blow several days paychecks here and they can't afford it. One individual blew their money and got so depressed they took the next day off.

In my last workplace I knew a guy who would gamble his entire payday away on sports betting. Some days he would come to work and the whole day was just a wash , he would gamble while working.

The online gambling is everywhere and it is global now. The billboard ads have gone crazy in every country. they are advertising everything TV billboard online radio you name it.

As max Keiser says we live in a casino gulag. The average person must feel their only way to get a piece of the shrinking pie is to gamble as it's no longer easy to get rich the old way

 

[whywere]

I live in a place that is full of chronic gamblers. They'll blow several days paychecks here and they can't afford it. One individual blew their money and got so depressed they took the next day off.

In my last workplace I knew a guy who would gamble his entire payday away on sports betting. Some days he would come to work and the whole day was just a wash , he would gamble while working.

The online gambling is everywhere and it is global now. The billboard ads have gone crazy in every country. they are advertising everything TV billboard online radio you name it.

As max Keiser says we live in a casino gulag. The average person must feel their only way to get a piece of the shrinking pie is to gamble as it's no longer easy to get rich the old way

100% agree with you. You are a very smart and kind soul. I have more faults than anyone, but I have never gambled and do not understand the fascination with blinking lights and weird sounds coming from a machine where the odds are probably like 90 plus percent in the casinos favor.

Like I told my lawyer that time, where is all these "winnings" that my ex was supposed to have and all I ever saw was an empty checking account.

Thank you so much for understanding, it is very much appreciated.

All my best to you.

Walter

 

[SuicidallyCurious]

100% agree with you. You are a very smart and kind soul. I have more faults than anyone, but I have never gambled and do not understand the fascination with blinking lights and weird sounds coming from a machine where the odds are probably like 90 plus percent in the casinos favor.

Like I told my lawyer that time, where is all these "winnings" that my ex was supposed to have and all I ever saw was an empty checking account.

Thank you so much for understanding, it is very much appreciated.

All my best to you.

Walter

I understand gambling and I'm addicted to it but not in the casino sense. Consider any market trading gambling or stuff like chasing women it's all gambling really. I've never set foot into a casino at least to gamble

I think the thrill of it is people really get off on thinking they can beat the system . Even if it's obvious that you can't in the long run people go for it . Everyone loves to beat the system

 

[whywere]

I understand gambling and I'm addicted to it but not in the casino sense. Consider any market trading gambling or stuff like chasing women it's all gambling really. I've never set foot into a casino at least to gamble

I think the thrill of it is people really get off on thinking they can beat the system . Even if it's obvious that you can't in the long run people go for it . Everyone loves to beat the system

Completely agree with you. I went to college at 24 and left a decent position, except there was no room for advancement and gambled that I could get through 4 years of college and that it would help me better myself.

Walter