Venting i don’t know what to do.

[sad_doll]

I was fine for a while. The thoughts are always in the back of my mind, but recently they've been almost overpowering. It scares me how much I think about killing myself now.

I should feel fine. I recently started dating a guy I really like, and I've found new people im comfortable with that actually include me in things, as well as touching base with older friends. Still, though, I can't help but want to attempt. I keep self harming, too. I don't understand.

I have been down recently because I was dropped by a very close friend of mine, and I'm a little conflicted because, at one point, I loved them romantically, and I'm not sure if I ever stopped. I'd never act on it, for both their sake and mine, but the thought lingers in the back of my head. I feel like such a horrible person for it. I'm just lost.

 

[U. A.]

you have almost no post history so who knows, but just because things are quite good at present doesn't mean potential past bad things will magically stop affecting you. people remain fucked up from being in wars for a long time. the false idea that the past doesn't affect the present is harmful to long-term conceptions of well-being.
and there's nothing wrong about developing feelings for someone; it's not a choice.

 

[sad_doll]

you have almost no post history so who knows, but just because things are quite good at present doesn't mean potential past bad things will magically stop affecting you. people remain fucked up from being in wars for a long time. the false idea that the past doesn't affect the present is harmful to long-term conceptions of well-being.
and there's nothing wrong about developing feelings for someone; it's not a choice.

I wish it was a choice. It aches so badly, and I hate to feel that way when I have a relationship, especially one that's much better for me than that friend could be. I feel like I'm leading him on even though I do like him and want that relationship, and I'd never go after anyone else as long as he's here.

I don't know. I guess I'm just conflicted. I'm not really sure what I want right now and I don't want to ruin what I have just because I'm uncertain.

I wish I could provide more context, but I don't want to say too much.

 

[Baisley]

I wish to die everyday but hopefully things will get better for you. Mine isn't over a friend or anything like that. I am in some very bad legal messes. I don't want to go to jail.