i don't know what to do now that i'm less suicidal

[iwantdeath6969]

i have bpd so i'm never exactly stable, but i got one of my meds increased and i haven't been trapped in cycles of thinking obsessively about suicide and self harm anymore like i used to, i just get suicidal when i feel really bad or hit myself if i'm really overwhelmed or if things are going really bad, etc. but now i don't know what to do. i was operating day by day before, assuming that i might snap and kill myself at any moment, but now i just am back to the dread of knowing that every day is going to be the same indefinitely because i'm likely going to be alive for at least a few months, and don't have any active ctb plans right now.

i just don't know what to do with my time. i've always been smoking weed but i took up smoking cigarettes, and i smoke something every few hours at least for lack of anything else to do, and i don't have any hobbies because i don't allow myself to do anything that brings myself any joy (i was having a mental breakdown continuously for more than a year if i'm being honest, and if i'm being even more honest i became really delusional about things like self worth, and now i just have a lot of lingering "rules" that i have to live by) so my life is really dull at points. i figured that if i was going to kill myself soon, there's no point doing anything of any value at any point, and now i just have nothing to do. i guess the easy thing would be to take up hobbies or find something that would fulfill me more, but i still can't overcome this delusion(?) about how i don't deserve anything good out of life, so i can't do anything to add any joy or help me in any real way. i just don't know what to do or what to even ask for.

 

[whateverr]

Wow, this seems super familiar for me. Not knowing what to do when I am not being driven by suicidal rage/emptiness... yeah. I don't want to let myself enjoy things too much because the comedown is always waiting and that shit always seems to be neverending. Plus, when I enjoy things, a lot of time I lose sight of my identity so it's like I take in things all inauthentic and whatnot. My best guess is that I need to minimize intoxicants which I have been doing lately. Now, that I am over the initial battle with that (or, at least it seems that way), I am not sure of what to do other than work and see if I can just start to gradually have more fun or something.

 

[アホペンギン]

If you really see that death is the only realistic option for you then that's most likely false hope that you're struggling with. False hope is one of the worst things to experience when in a situation like yours. I don't have much to say since I don't struggle with false hope very much and therefore I'm unable to relate and from there, give advice, but I hope you'll feel better soon. It must be very tiring being trapped such a situation.

 

[just_a_guy]

I've felt like this before and the title of this song kinda summed it up for me

 

[Dot]

i have bpd so i'm never exactly stable, but i got one of my meds increased and i haven't been trapped in cycles of thinking obsessively about suicide and self harm anymore like i used to, i just get suicidal when i feel really bad or hit myself if i'm really overwhelmed or if things are going really bad, etc. but now i don't know what to do. i was operating day by day before, assuming that i might snap and kill myself at any moment, but now i just am back to the dread of knowing that every day is going to be the same indefinitely because i'm likely going to be alive for at least a few months, and don't have any active ctb plans right now.

i just don't know what to do with my time. i've always been smoking weed but i took up smoking cigarettes, and i smoke something every few hours at least for lack of anything else to do, and i don't have any hobbies because i don't allow myself to do anything that brings myself any joy (i was having a mental breakdown continuously for more than a year if i'm being honest, and if i'm being even more honest i became really delusional about things like self worth, and now i just have a lot of lingering "rules" that i have to live by) so my life is really dull at points. i figured that if i was going to kill myself soon, there's no point doing anything of any value at any point, and now i just have nothing to do. i guess the easy thing would be to take up hobbies or find something that would fulfill me more, but i still can't overcome this delusion(?) about how i don't deserve anything good out of life, so i can't do anything to add any joy or help me in any real way. i just don't know what to do or what to even ask for.

Wht abt sme volnteerng or fostrng an animl

Tht wld fll sme tme bt ur Nergy wld b givng jy 2 sme1/smethng els outsde or urslf

Tht wy u r sde-steppng feelng lke u r doin smethng fr urslf tht u d/ nt dserv bt u mght gt sme ful-fllmnt

Am wondrng Y u fl as tho u d/ nt dserve n.ethng gd fr urslf

 

[iwantdeath6969]

Wow, this seems super familiar for me. Not knowing what to do when I am not being driven by suicidal rage/emptiness... yeah. I don't want to let myself enjoy things too much because the comedown is always waiting and that shit always seems to be neverending. Plus, when I enjoy things, a lot of time I lose sight of my identity so it's like I take in things all inauthentic and whatnot. My best guess is that I need to minimize intoxicants which I have been doing lately. Now, that I am over the initial battle with that (or, at least it seems that way), I am not sure of what to do other than work and see if I can just start to gradually have more fun or something.

yeah, exactly right. things that i enjoy always end up being disappointing in the end anyways. i definitely should smoke less too, but yeah i just have no idea what else to do with myself. i work a lot and just try to have fun i guess as well, i've been meeting a lot of new people recently which has been kind of nice. i hope you start to feel better and have more fun in your life

If you really see that death is the only realistic option for you then that's most likely false hope that you're struggling with. False hope is one of the worst things to experience when in a situation like yours. I don't have much to say since I don't struggle with false hope very much and therefore I'm unable to relate and from there, give advice, but I hope you'll feel better soon. It must be very tiring being trapped such a situation.

maybe. i know that it's the only thing in the end, and that there's a high likelihood that i'll end up killing myself, so i haven't been feeling much hope about the future. i dont want to see things in that way and be let down. it really is tiring, being in this limbo between life and death

Wht abt sme volnteerng or fostrng an animl

Tht wld fll sme tme bt ur Nergy wld b givng jy 2 sme1/smethng els outsde or urslf

Tht wy u r sde-steppng feelng lke u r doin smethng fr urslf tht u d/ nt dserv bt u mght gt sme ful-fllmnt

Am wondrng Y u fl as tho u d/ nt dserve n.ethng gd fr urslf

that could be a good idea. i do animal care for my work so maybe if i find more meaning in that i'll get by better. i do enjoy caring for them. and i like the idea of finding loopholes around this, it's really hard to find any joy while living this way but i can't get out of it.

i guess i just know that i'm a bad person, and i don't like myself. and i wouldn't want to give joy to myself because i hate who i am so much and don't want myself to feel happiness or real contentment or anything. but i've been thinking about this stuff less lately, not believing it less but just not thinking about it all the time anymore. but it means i still don't have any real things to make me want to live while just having to still be alive anyways.