Venting i don't know what to do anymore

[untildeathdousapart]

Three months have passed since my best friend committed suicide. It feels like it only happened yesterday, but at the same time it has been way too long. 4 months ago was the last time we hugged each other, where we talked, had fun and just enjoyed each others company. I wasn't able to see her for around a month, because of personal issues. On the day she committed, we messaged, and made plans to meet up soon. She told me that we *have* to see each other again, and i said how much i miss her. 5 hours later she jumped. She was currently in medical care, the supervisors did not look for her, as they watched her fall to her death. I'm so angry but most of it I'm just incredibly sad. I barely get out of bed, i cant take care of myself and every day it just gets harder and harder. I havent brushed my teeth in months, havent took a shower for two weeks and i'm quite literally just bedrotting. I want to die, i don't want to feel like this anymore. I don't want to live. I don't know how to ctb. I have plans, accurate ones, but it's so hard to do it when my family keeps telling me how concerned they are. I don't want to hurt anyone but everything is so hard. It hurts, hurts so bad and I wish I could be with my best friend again. I miss how we sat at the river in the dark, smoked a cigarette and talked about the most random things. I miss when we met up and brought our dogs, so we could just watch them play. I miss her so much. I can't do this anymore, I don't want to. I feel like I'm going insane.

 

[snailfish]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

 

[4_science]

My only real friend was murdered. He was my shelter, my rock, my everything. I can relate to how you feel. They say it gets better over time. It is a lie. There is just nothing you can do about it and it makes you feel helpless and powerless again. Positive memories and gratitude won´t bring your friend back. Thinking about the friend you lost seeing you like that adds pressure and guilt. Talk about it here. Tanking every ngative emotion is the worst you can do. The pain is there and will come back anyways. Don´t add to that by holding it in. I wouldn´t call it a safe place here, but it is one to talk and feel a little less alone.

Some days it hurts more and on others less. You are not alone in this and there are people who understand you. This doesn´t make it any better, but is all I can offer as an attempt of comfort. Virtual hugs going out to you. It helps t talk to someone who understands you without giving "smart" advice. You can send me a message and talk to me if you like. If you can. I can´t find out how to send a pm. Are there grief support groups in your area? Maybe you find a person there or it helps you.

 

[untildeathdousapart]

My only real friend was murdered. He was my shelter, my rock, my everything. I can relate to how you feel. They say it gets better over time. It is a lie. There is just nothing you can do about it and it makes you feel helpless and powerless again. Positive memories and gratitude won´t bring your friend back. Thinking about the friend you lost seeing you like that adds pressure and guilt. Talk about it here. Tanking every ngative emotion is the worst you can do. The pain is there and will come back anyways. Don´t add to that by holding it in. I wouldn´t call it a safe place here, but it is one to talk and feel a little less alone.

Some days it hurts more and on others less. You are not alone in this and there are people who understand you. This doesn´t make it any better, but is all I can offer as an attempt of comfort. Virtual hugs going out to you. It helps t talk to someone who understands you without giving "smart" advice. You can send me a message and talk to me if you like. If you can. I can´t find out how to send a pm. Are there grief support groups in your area? Maybe you find a person there or it helps you.

Thank you a lot for your kind words, anytime someone says that this feeling will pass, id wish i could just laugh in their face. It feels so insensitive but i know they just dont want me to give up. I'm incredibly sorry for your loss, i don't really know what to say to that but i'm seriously sorry. Humans can be so cruel sometimes.

And you are right, thinking back to the good memories just makes me feel worse because i will never experience that ever again.

My environment is really supportive and my family wants me to go to a grief support group although i'd rather not, talking about my problems face-to-face isn't really my strength.

 

[4_science]

Take your time. Nobody can tell you what to do. There are options like support groups. They might help or not at all. I paid for grief counselling out of my own pocket and it helped me to understand why I could still feel him close by or thought I had visions of him. That helped me a little.

Don´t listen to anyone who tells you it passes. It won´t. Like I said, you get days when it hurts more or less or even weeks, but it won´t go away or pass and vanish. I know people try their best, but there is nothing anyone can do or say. Just give you time and comfort or distractions when you want and need it. This is what you need. People like that in your life.

 

[SadLad]

We all know your struggle.

 

[Lifeaffirmingchoice]

A friend of mine CTBing is one of the main reasons I want to ctb also, from missing her so much.