Venting I don't know what I did/ am doing wrong

[$yck]

[Ignore me, I just need to be a crybaby for a minute.]

Life feels like I'm getting punished for doing something really bad. Which would be chill, if I knew what the fuck I did wrong.

Since I gained consciousness, I have not had a minute of peace. I've always been trying. Trying to be heard, trying to be loved [like everyone else], trying to be myself, trying to be normal, trying to be happy.

Trying to be ok.

I tired of trying. I'm exhausted.

For 21 years people have dismissed, ignored, bullied, mistreated, laughed at, ridiculed, and hated me. After all of that I just wonder: What did I do wrong?
I've always tried to be kind. I've always tried to be nice. I've always tried to be considerate. I've always tried to help others and be the change I wanted to see in the world. I always tried to treat others how I wanted to be treated, and no one has ever returned it in the same way I have. [And if they did, it didn't last long or they didn't stick around] I'm not saying I'm perfect. I'm not saying I haven't done anything wrong, I have, and I feel very guilty about it. I just want to know what about me is so wrong that I am undeserving of the love [for lack of a better term] that I give others.

Even my mom, like what the fuck. I struggle with self love so much because no one taught me I was something worth loving in the first place. Why? Am I cursed or something?
It feels like the worst thing I ever did was exist. It feels like I'm being punished for existing, and I don't know what to do. Like, I'm sorry? I don't know. I didn't want to be here in the first place.

There's a Japanese Proverb that states: "Nanakorobi yaoki" (七転び八起き). It is often translated as "Fall down seven times, stand up eight." But what do you when you fall down and no one taught you how to stand up in the first place? What happens when I get to my feet and I prefer the ground?

All I want is a hug.


Anyway, thank y'all for coming to my TEDTalk type shit. Make sure to smash that like button and subscribe for more

 

[starboy2k]

a child not embraced by the village, will burn it down to feel its warmth………

 

[$yck]

a child not embraced by the village, will burn it down to feel its warmth.........

If I light myself on fire, maybe the village will understand how bad the cold was.


Also, I wrote that exact phrase during a group therapy sesh while I was in the psych ward earlier this year lol

 

[painmustend]

i don´t have anything helpful to say, but i see your pain and the words you wrote, could´ve come from myself. i´m sending you a virtual hug<3

 

[$yck]

i don´t have anything helpful to say, but i see your pain and the words you wrote, could´ve come from myself. i´m sending you a virtual hug<3

Thank you

 

[woodlandcreature]

I wish I had some sort of encouragement to give, but all I can say is I understand. God how I understand. It's so… I mean the feeling is indescribable. Nothing quite puts it into words; however, the analogy you gave is a good start. I'm sorry. It hurts. Sending hugs though I know they don't mean much since they're virtual :-(

 

[$yck]

I wish I had some sort of encouragement to give, but all I can say is I understand. God how I understand. It's so… I mean the feeling is indescribable. Nothing quite puts it into words; however, the analogy you gave is a good start. I'm sorry. It hurts. Sending hugs though I know they don't mean much since they're virtual :-(

Thank you