I don’t know if I really want to die but I think about death all the time

[iamalwaysalone]

I don't know if I fit in on here, but I hope I can share my pain in a way that some people can understand.

Since I was 13 or so or maybe even younger I have always had suicidal thoughts. Especially when I was cringing or feeling especially self hating I would picture myself pulling a rope around my neck until I stopped breathing and then it turned into me hanging off my doorknob (though realistically I think that a doorknob would be too short to work).

But I have never considered myself suicidal because I have always been so scared of pain and maybe I don't really want to die, I just want to stop hurting. I tried to cut myself with a razor and I couldn't bring myself to do it, and when I accidentally gave myself a cut on my finger with a blade I fainted. I was reading the mega threads on hanging (which for some reason is the method I always revert to thinking about) I felt myself getting scared reading about the arteries and the idea of truly dying. It makes me so sad that I am too weak and scared to keep on living and I am too weak and scared of death to kill myself. At my lowest points I will tell all my friends and family that I wish I could tell them goodbye and go to sleep and never wake up but it's always embarrassing because I know I will wake up the next day having done nothing.

Reading other people's posts on here has made me want to cry because the things they say resonate so deeply with how I feel so much of the time, and I feel like we understand each other's pain. I can't really tell anyone in my life how I truly feel because they will just tell me to stay strong and tell me to get help and it's comforting that people on here just accept each other for what they are feeling.

So because I am too afraid to kill myself I don't know what I should do when I am hurting. I am on lexapro right now and that has helped but only so much. I had a mental breakdown a few days ago when I really wished I could just go to sleep and never wake up. I wish you could leave in a painless way that wouldn't hurt the people you loved. I have just resorted to feeling pathetic and just existing because that's what I feel I am. No matter how many friends I have or how many people say they love me I have realized that I will forever feel depressed and alone.

At least today I can be somewhat comforted reading other people's posts. If this post is in the wrong place or doesn't fit in feel free to delete it. Thank u for reading if u did.

 

[Hyd999]

Im with u on that feeling. No i dont WANT to do it. But this world sucks so bad that i hope it happends.

I remember when i was a kid my mom would tell my sisters to take necklaces off before bed so they dont get caught douring sleep.

Cant tell u how many times as a kid i slept with bathrobe tie around my neck just hoping it would tangle and kill me in my sleep.

 

[iamalwaysalone]

Im with u on that feeling. No i dont WANT to do it. But this world sucks so bad that i hope it happends.

I remember when i was a kid my mom would tell my sisters to take necklaces off before bed so they dont get caught douring sleep.

Cant tell u how many times as a kid i slept with bathrobe tie around my neck just hoping it would tangle and kill me in my sleep.

Yes exactly. I walk in the streets still wondering if a car will just hit me and end it all right there (the worst situation would be getting only injured and making life worse). But lately I don't even want to go outside I don't want to see my friends or anything. So I wonder if anything will just get better if I lie on my bed and never leave my room.

 

[ColorlessTrees]

Hi! I'm sorry we have to meet under such unfortunate circumstances, but I read it all, and I'm listening. You've come to the right place.

I understand and even relate. It sounds like you're a sensitive person, and the world can be very cruel. Passive suicidality is still that—suicidality. What you're feeling is valid, even if people are insensitive; mental illnesses can be debilitating, without many treatments. Fearing pain especially is normal. I've had that feeling looking over the megathreads for my potential methods, too.

If you ever decide that suicide is too permanent, and you want to give life a second chance or to live a little longer, the recovery section is still nice. If not, the resources are all here. It's up to you, and I'm glad you are able to find comfort in this site, if nothing else.

Much love to you. I am always here if you need someone to talk to. Don't be afraid to reach out.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you are in so much pain. I know that this life can be unbearable when you are suffering so much. I wish I could fall asleep and never wake as well, as ctb is really difficult after all. There are many factors holding me back such as the fear of failure and the lack of reliable way to exit. I know it can be an awful feeling when you can see no way out of your pain. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[iamalwaysalone]

Hi! I'm sorry we have to meet under such unfortunate circumstances, but I read it all, and I'm listening. You've come to the right place.

I understand and even relate. It sounds like you're a sensitive person, and the world can be very cruel. Passive suicidality is still that—suicidality. What you're feeling is valid, even if people are insensitive; mental illnesses can be debilitating, without many treatments. Fearing pain especially is normal. I've had that feeling looking over the megathreads for my potential methods, too.

If you ever decide that suicide is too permanent, and you want to give life a second chance or to live a little longer, the recovery section is still nice. If not, the resources are all here. It's up to you, and I'm glad you are able to find comfort in this site, if nothing else.

Much love to you. I am always here if you need someone to talk to. Don't be afraid to reach out.

Thank you for your overwhelming kindness at this point I still can't imagine myself ever getting the courage to ever end my own life but it's definitely so disheartening when I reach those lowest points and that's the only semblance of comfort for me. I'm glad there is a space that exists where people don't have to lose agency over their own bodies or be shamed for not wanting to live anymore.
It's nice reading both the suicide discussions and the recovery threads. I know people feel guilty for trauma dumping but I think for people going through the same thing I think it's a breath of fresh air and also comfort to know that that sinking physical and mental pain is not specific to yourself.
Thank you again for your kindness <3

I'm sorry you are in so much pain. I know that this life can be unbearable when you are suffering so much. I wish I could fall asleep and never wake as well, as ctb is really difficult after all. There are many factors holding me back such as the fear of failure and the lack of reliable way to exit. I know it can be an awful feeling when you can see no way out of your pain. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

Thank you and sending you love as well <3 ctb really is just as difficult as living and I have nothing but love and peace for the people who ctb. It's so crazy to me how people will paint ctb and sites like this as toxic when at the same time they do nothing to improve life or to make living easier. The ideal world would be one where both living and ctb could be effortless but I suppose that's just a dream at this point. Thank you again for your reply