I don't know if I can CTB 😭

[aGoodDayToDie]

I want nothing more than to just be gone. I dread every single day of being alive. And unless I kms I probably have at least 15,000 more fucking days to endure of this hellish life. It's an agonising realisation.

But dying is fucking hard, for a start. Tried 20-30 times so far.

Options left for me are:
1. SN. Very unpleasant but at least fairly quick
2. Amitryptaline. Slow, painful death.
3. Heroin. Very good death. Assuming I can get some with good potency.

So ideally I want to get heroin and OD on that.

But some things are holding me back.
1. I live with my girlfriend in a small flat. She's always home. So I will never have an opportunity here to die in an isolated space without pressure and risk of being saved.
2. I feel guilty about hurting my gf if I CTB. She'll have to deal with my body. My death. My belongings.
3. If I fail, my gf will be fucking furious with me. It'll be hell. Not only will I stoll be depressed and suicidal, but I'll have to recover from the OD and have to deal for a long time with a very angry woman. The relationship will be severely strained and damaged. She might even dump me and I'll have to move in with my elderly father.
4. The cost of heroin. It's expensive, especially enough to kill myself. I know it doesn't matter if I die. But I'm worried that I won't die. From what I hear, heroin on the dark net in the UK is of very poor quality. I'll need a lit, and there's a good chance I'll fail.
5. Injecting heroin scares me. I've never prepared or injected heroin before. I've done lots of research but I'm still incredibly uncertain and unconfident.
6. Motivation. I have trouble getting out of bed. Washing. Making doctors appointments. Simple things. So CTBing feels like a monumental, scary task. I don't know if I have what it takes. I'll have to face all the guilt of hurting my gf. I don't know if I can do it.

I'm thinking I'd either have to make an excuse and CTB at a hotel, or go to my father's to do it, he has a spare room I could isolate myself in and die in peace and seclusion. But he's a long way away, and i hate change, so moving to his to CTB would really stress me out. And I don't feel comfortable doing it in a hotel. It's scary, it seems risky. I could get interrupted and caught. Worst case scenario I could go to prison for having heroin.

I feel so stuck I'm so pathetic. I'm letting really quite trivial things stop me from CTBing?? I'm such a useless piece of shit. My mental health problems stop me from achieving anything, including CTB. I hate myself and I hate life.

I don't know what to do do I just have to suffer for another 50 years????? If I do CTB it seems I really need to do it while my dad is still alive so I can do it at his place. I'm running out of time. He's getting really quite old. I need to get my shit together, accept the fact that I'm going to hurt my gf, accept the chance that I might fail, and go to my dads place and just fucking do it. But I'm delaying, big time. I can barely see myself ever doing it because I'm such a chicken. Even a year from now I'll probably still fucking be in exactly the same situation as I am now. Wanting to die, but incapacitated by fears, stress, anxiety etc.

Any words of wisdom, advice etc is very welcome

 

[penguinl0v3s]

2. I feel guilty about hurting my gf if I CTB. She'll have to deal with my body. My death. My belongings.

Look up "sodium nitrite body" and be ready to be disturbed. Cyanosis is more gross than it sounds. If you're concerned about traumatizing your significant other and know that they'll see your dead body, that's probably not the way.

But dying is fucking hard, for a start. Tried 20-30 times so far.

Options left for me are:
1. SN. Very unpleasant but at least fairly quick
2. Amitryptaline. Slow, painful death.
3. Heroin. Very good death. Assuming I can get some with good potency.

Isn't SN considered one of the better ways?

1. I live with my girlfriend in a small flat. She's always home. So I will never have an opportunity here to die in an isolated space without pressure and risk of being saved.

PPeH says a big consideration of opioids OD is the availability of Narcan everywhere.

4. The cost of heroin. It's expensive, especially enough to kill myself. I know it doesn't matter if I die. But I'm worried that I won't die. From what I hear, heroin on the dark net in the UK is of very poor quality. I'll need a lit, and there's a good chance I'll fail

If you're buying from darknet, isn't f on the darknet under a different name?

6. Motivation. I have trouble getting out of bed. Washing. Making doctors appointments. Simple things. So CTBing feels like a monumental, scary task. I don't know if I have what it takes. I'll have to face all the guilt of hurting my gf. I don't know if I can do it.

It's okay, there's no rush so long as you have the important items. You can take as much time as you need to think it through best of luck with your gf and you. Maybe you can write her a really good suicide note to make up for it just a little if you do choose to die in the end.

I'm thinking I'd either have to make an excuse and CTB at a hotel, or go to my father's to do it, he has a spare room I could isolate myself in and die in peace and seclusion. But he's a long way away, and i hate change, so moving to his to CTB would really stress me out. And I don't feel comfortable doing it in a hotel. It's scary, it seems risky. I could get interrupted and caught. Worst case scenario I could go to prison for having heroin.

Even if you do end up in trouble for possession, if you intended to use it for OD there's probably much more leniency to argue about that. Max sentence is 7 years, but I doubt that will happen if you are not a nuisance to others and it's one time use. Btw you should probably be ready for a potential welfare check, cuz your package could get intercepted. I think hotel sounds better cuz idk if this is just me, but going to someone's place to die is kind of rude(?) People who see your body are more likely to struggle with grief or trauma for longer.

 

[aGoodDayToDie]

Look up "sodium nitrite body" and be ready to be disturbed. Cyanosis is more gross than it sounds. If you're concerned about traumatizing your significant other and know that they'll see your dead body, that's probably not the way.

Isn't SN considered one of the better ways?

PPeH says a big consideration of opioids OD is the availability of Narcan everywhere.

If you're buying from darknet, isn't f on the darknet under a different name?

It's okay, there's no rush so long as you have the important items. You can take as much time as you need to think it through best of luck with your gf and you. Maybe you can write her a really good suicide note to make up for it just a little if you do choose to die in the end.

Even if you do end up in trouble for possession, if you intended to use it for OD there's probably much more leniency to argue about that. Max sentence is 7 years, but I doubt that will happen if you are not a nuisance to others and it's one time use. Btw you should probably be ready for a potential welfare check, cuz your package could get intercepted. I think hotel sounds better cuz idk if this is just me, but going to someone's place to die is kind of rude(?) People who see your body are more likely to struggle with grief or trauma for longer.

Thanks!

Yes SN is considered average in terms of suffering. But it's not saying much since many ways are horrific. SN is like giving a hangover from hell while running a marathon. Very unpleasant. Thankfully you're unconscious after 45 minutes. But without a doubt it'll be a scary, unpleasant experience.

I'm not too worried about narcan since death by heroin is very quick. A couple of hours, max. And you're unconscious easily within a minute if you inject a lot.

Thankfully my old man is prepared for my suicide. I've been suicidal for decades and have talked to him about it often. He accepts that one day it could come to that. He's seen death before, he knows death is an inevitable part of life. And he's kind of almost now expecting me to do it one day. I think he'll even have some relief knowing my suffering is finally over. On the other hand, a stranger finding my body out of the blue in a hotel room probably would not cope nearly so well with the experience. If anyone can cope with finding my body, it's my dad. Which is a big reason I want to do it while he's still alive

As for a suicide note to my gf, I can't see that helping much at all. She'll feel angry and hurt no matter what the suicide note says. If I really intend to CTB maybe I should break up with her first and live with my dad so although she'll be hurt from the break up, at least she won't have to deal with the liss from my death in such a hurtful way. But I'm weak. I don't know if I have what it takes to break up with her. It'll be so painful. For both of us. And I'll have to face being alone. I don't know if I have the strength to do that. It'll involve a lot of tears and a lit of begging, arguing and god knows what else. And then I'll also have to move all my stuff our of her place. I'm jyst too bloody depressed to face all of that. I have rock bottom energy and motivation. I'm a useless piece of shit

 

[penguinl0v3s]

Thanks!

Yes SN is considered average in terms of suffering. But it's not saying much since many ways are horrific. SN is like giving a hangover from hell while running a marathon. Very unpleasant. Thankfully you're unconscious after 45 minutes. But without a doubt it'll be a scary, unpleasant experience.

I'm not too worried about narcan since death by heroin is very quick. A couple of hours, max. And you're unconscious easily within a minute if you inject a lot.

Thankfully my old man is prepared for my suicide. I've been suicidal for decades and have talked to him about it often. He accepts that one day it could come to that. He's seen death before, he knows death is an inevitable part of life. And he's kind of almost now expecting me to do it one day. I think he'll even have some relief knowing my suffering is finally over. On the other hand, a stranger finding my body out of the blue in a hotel room probably would not cope nearly so well with the experience. If anyone can cope with finding my body, it's my dad. Which is a big reason I want to do it while he's still alive

It's sweet that your dad is supportive of you best wishes to you then

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be really dreadful and tiring feeling so trapped in that situation, it's also horrifying to me the thought of being stuck in this existence for many more years. I wish existence came with an offswitch to just instantly find peace from all the suffering.

 

[Tired_of_myself]

I feel the same as you… hope you find your peace somehow.