I don't know if ctb will hurt my family more than my illness

[Punished]

I'm not really asking for anything, I don't even really know what I'm going to write. I just need to clear my head.

I haven't had a ctb attempt since 2015, though I came very close last year. I've tried so many types of therapy, every medication, even the TMS shocks, but nothing works for very long. I've been actively or passively suicidal for years, there feels like no relief. My wife and I have been together for over 10 years, but she's done. We've been fighting like crazy for months and she barely comes home anymore.

I am disabled, unable to work, and everything is in my wife's name. We also have two kids, and limited child care. I'm the primary caregiver, I try to keep up with them as much as I can, but it's getting harder and harder. My wife has always been a good mom, but with her gone so much lately it's definitely taking a toll on me and the kids.

I feel like I should just go. My brain and my body are failing, and it's hurting the people I love the most in the world. If she files for divorce, I have no where to move to, no way to support myself, no insurance. I'd never be able to get custody of the kids. My wife used to be fun and social and we made each other laugh, but I feel like this life with me has sucked all the joy out of her.

I want her to be happy again. She deserves a full partner, not a patient. I want my kids to have a parent who can actually take care of them, not someone in and out of the hospital every month. I can barley walk, I can't pick them up, I can't snuggle with them in bed when they're scared of a thunderstorm.

I'm in pain, and I'm tired. I'm tired of being sick, and I'm tired of injections and surgeries, I'm tired of my 3x a day pill boxes. I'm tired of my doctors telling me not to lose hope, the trial and error of treatments. I'm not getting better, and my family is getting worse. I'm out of reasons to stay.

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds like you are suffering a lot. It's understandable why you would be so tired. Life is just too cruel and unfair and I'm sorry that life brought you to this point. Best wishes.

 

[GettingOut]

I'm not really asking for anything, I don't even really know what I'm going to write. I just need to clear my head.

I haven't had a ctb attempt since 2015, though I came very close last year. I've tried so many types of therapy, every medication, even the TMS shocks, but nothing works for very long. I've been actively or passively suicidal for years, there feels like no relief. My wife and I have been together for over 10 years, but she's done. We've been fighting like crazy for months and she barely comes home anymore.

I am disabled, unable to work, and everything is in my wife's name. We also have two kids, and limited child care. I'm the primary caregiver, I try to keep up with them as much as I can, but it's getting harder and harder. My wife has always been a good mom, but with her gone so much lately it's definitely taking a toll on me and the kids.

I feel like I should just go. My brain and my body are failing, and it's hurting the people I love the most in the world. If she files for divorce, I have no where to move to, no way to support myself, no insurance. I'd never be able to get custody of the kids. My wife used to be fun and social and we made each other laugh, but I feel like this life with me has sucked all the joy out of her.

I want her to be happy again. She deserves a full partner, not a patient. I want my kids to have a parent who can actually take care of them, not someone in and out of the hospital every month. I can barley walk, I can't pick them up, I can't snuggle with them in bed when they're scared of a thunderstorm.

I'm in pain, and I'm tired. I'm tired of being sick, and I'm tired of injections and surgeries, I'm tired of my 3x a day pill boxes. I'm tired of my doctors telling me not to lose hope, the trial and error of treatments. I'm not getting better, and my family is getting worse. I'm out of reasons to stay.

Chronic progressive health problems are the hardest to endure. Every few months I have more pain, less use of my body and become more dependent on others. It can help if you have finances to see specialists to keep tabs on your situation. But when money runs out because you eventually can't work as much anymore, you hit a new bottom. People view you as the problem when you're not positive. But I'd rather have full use of my body and be on death row. The eventualities are the same., the standard of life much better.

It is heartbreaking to hear how your family dynamics change for the worse.

I've lost friends because it isn't fun to be with a guy in a wheelchair anymore. Family doesn't understand.

I totally feel or you bud. Feel free to reach out if you want to talk