I don't know how to title this.

[silverspring]

Hello. I wasn't sure when I was finally going to bite the bullet and write something here. Today seems better than any other day. I've only officially been a member here for a few days, but a "lurker" for awhile, so to say, and had an acquaintance who was on here who recently passed. Anyway, I'm not even sure what to say except that I'm tired. There's been so much trauma and so much pain in my years of life in this world. So many people who were a part of my life have CTB: friends and family, including two of my siblings- I'm the youngest of 8. I have been in one of the biggest ruts of my life and I've tried so hard to go about it in a healthy way, have been in therapy since I was a young nugget. I've fallen off the face of my therapy world many times and just last year, decided I would try one last time. And I did. When I started, I felt ok. Like maybe this time would actually work. I started medications again and even those were doing ok, until my world fell apart again and I stopped taking them a handful of months ago.

My life is too far gone to even attempt living anymore. I can't get along with people in my life. I'm too empathetic for my own good, hope to be there for every sore person who needs a big heart and have nobody to do that for me. I don't belong in this world anymore. Not saying right now I feel the need to end it, but I sense the time will be sometime soon. I'm trying not to overshare too much in this first post. Hoping someone out there can understand and offer some words.

I could really use them.

Thank you,
E.

 

[Depressed Cat]

I'm sorry you are suffering so much. I can empathise with your pain, for I suffer from recurring Major Depressive Disorder and feel such terrible indescribable despair during my depressive episodes. It's saddening to know that you've been suffering from a young age.

You've come to the right forum. You'll find plenty of people here who are suffering as badly as you are, but in different ways (mental or physical) and want to CTB.

You will not be judged by anyone here, but people will empathise with your suffering and offer support and understanding. Whatever the mainstream media and others portray this forum as, I can assure you that there is no other empathetic, supportive and non-judgemental place as this. Nothing even comes close.

You will feel right at home. I wish you the best.

 

[rationaltake]

Welcome to the forum. I get it. I'm on my way out I think. Can hardly post.

 

[OldDrummer]

*hugs* You're among friends.

 

[silverspring]

I'm sorry you are suffering so much. I can empathise with your pain, for I suffer from recurring Major Depressive Disorder and feel such terrible indescribable despair during my depressive episodes. It's saddening to know that you've been suffering from a young age.

You've come to the right forum. You'll find plenty of people here who are suffering as badly as you are, but in different ways (mental or physical) and want to CTB.

You will not be judged by anyone here, but people will empathise with your suffering and offer support and understanding. Whatever the mainstream media and others portray this forum as, I can assure you that there is no other empathetic, supportive and non-judgemental place as this. Nothing even comes close.

You will feel right at home. I wish you the best.

Thank you so much for your kindness and comforting words. I've been hesitant to join or post due to being unsure where I lie in the spectrum of wanting to CTB - for me, the feelings come and go with the change of a moment and emotion and I never want to act on things until I'm fully sure; as I've experienced such bad luck with impulsive behaviors in the past, I've just kind of kept it to myself and let my conscience and heart and instincts to be my guide. I don't always want to die, but I always think about it. It's always there. It never stops. I've seen people even come here and not only be cared about in ways that I've never felt by anyone else, utmost understanding and NEVER (mostly) any pushes. I like to see even that some people graciously can tell when others aren't quite ready. I just know that even writing about my feelings will help me. So again, I say thank you very much.

It means a lot to me.

Welcome to the forum. I get it. I'm on my way out I think. Can hardly post.

I understand. Even though it was my first post, I wasn't sure how to go about it. I've been struggling at keeping my relationships afloat in the real world and even went as far as deleting my phone contacts so that I don't have to feel connected to anyone while I'm in this rut. The more I see the names of people who I don't even think would ever care, the better I feel about my choices. I've been without connection to mainly anyone to talk to for about five months now. Anyway- sending a hug and some love to you.

*hugs* You're among friends.

Thank you

 

[rationaltake]

I understand. Even though it was my first post, I wasn't sure how to go about it. I've been struggling at keeping my relationships afloat in the real world and even went as far as deleting my phone contacts so that I don't have to feel connected to anyone while I'm in this rut. The more I see the names of people who I don't even think would ever care, the better I feel about my choices. I've been without connection to mainly anyone to talk to for about five months now. Anyway- sending a hug and some love to you.

Thank you. I appreciate it very much. My wonderful best friend is in a very happy place and I don't want to tell them about the hell I inhabit. I pretend I'm okay without actually lying. You can be honest on here. A hug and some love to you too.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you are in so much pain. I know that it is hard to carry on when you are tired of everything. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

Welcome, and I'm sorry that life has brought you here.

This is a very understanding place. You'll find many people to talk to and lots of reading material.

It's tough to be the caring one. I'm often amazed at how many people can go blindly through the world without noticing the suffering of those around them. It must be great to be so self-centered and to be one who can take, take, take without needing to give. Okay, maybe it's not great, but I'm sure it must be easier!

 

[silverspring]

I'm sorry that you are in so much pain. I know that it is hard to carry on when you are tired of everything. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

Thank you very much for your empathy and understanding. For now, I'm trying my best. Doesn't feel like a lot, not sure what I'm trying, but I'm sure trying something.

Welcome, and I'm sorry that life has brought you here.

This is a very understanding place. You'll find many people to talk to and lots of reading material.

It's tough to be the caring one. I'm often amazed at how many people can go blindly through the world without noticing the suffering of those around them. It must be great to be so self-centered and to be one who can take, take, take without needing to give. Okay, maybe it's not great, but I'm sure it must be easier!

Thank you for the welcome. I definitely feel pretty good here so far. I'm kind of a quiet soul and very shy most of the time but it feels good to know I can use my heart here to offer support and comfort to whoever needs it, because people sure as hell don't care about my heart here in my life. Sometimes I think that's why I hurt so much, from seeing all the pain people go through. It's not okay to me. I've been through a lot as well and I'm very quick to worry about everyone but myself and I think sometimes that aids in my wanting to leave the world. I don't really know. Thanks for getting it.

 

[sadanon3]

It's really hard. I'm sorry we feel like like this.

 

[silverspring]

It's really hard. I'm sorry we feel like like this.

So am I. I'm so sorry

 

[BetweenRadioStations]

I'm struggling to piece together anything useful but you are welcome here and I'm happy you are apart of our community.

 

[19andOverdue]

Hello. I wasn't sure when I was finally going to bite the bullet and write something here. Today seems better than any other day. I've only officially been a member here for a few days, but a "lurker" for awhile, so to say, and had an acquaintance who was on here who recently passed. Anyway, I'm not even sure what to say except that I'm tired. There's been so much trauma and so much pain in my years of life in this world. So many people who were a part of my life have CTB: friends and family, including two of my siblings- I'm the youngest of 8. I have been in one of the biggest ruts of my life and I've tried so hard to go about it in a healthy way, have been in therapy since I was a young nugget. I've fallen off the face of my therapy world many times and just last year, decided I would try one last time. And I did. When I started, I felt ok. Like maybe this time would actually work. I started medications again and even those were doing ok, until my world fell apart again and I stopped taking them a handful of months ago.

My life is too far gone to even attempt living anymore. I can't get along with people in my life. I'm too empathetic for my own good, hope to be there for every sore person who needs a big heart and have nobody to do that for me. I don't belong in this world anymore. Not saying right now I feel the need to end it, but I sense the time will be sometime soon. I'm trying not to overshare too much in this first post. Hoping someone out there can understand and offer some words.

I could really use them.

Thank you,
E.

rock bottom gets exhausting. I know how hopeless a rut can be. My last hope is going to this treatment facility in a few weeks, it's the only thing keeping me going in my isolated and agonizing life. I've essentially lost everything and everyone, you're not alone my g. I resonate with your words