I don't know how to last until Spring

[OneBigBlur]

I have to wait until Spring to pretty much guarantee my exit but I find it absolutely soul crushing having to wait so long. Therapy is making me feel much worse and it reminds me that nobody gives a shit. I have to constantly hide and pretend that I'm not doing as bad as I actually am and it kills me to have to hide my suicidal plans. I hate having to hide my feelings and the only one that I can talk to is my therapist but I find it heartbreaking when every other week she asks me if I'm suicidal and I have to say no. I just want to be treated like a fucking human being for my remaining days and have someone respect my decision/feelings, not threaten me with the psych ward.

I have to somehow last for all those months without making a half assed attempt where I could be found. I am getting worse by the day especially after my therapy session and I'm struggling to even put in the minimum hours for my part time job. It feels like I'm literally being stabbed in the heart after every session.

 

[NitriteAnatomy]

That's what this forum is here for. Even if it's only from complete internet strangers, we respect your decision and feelings on the matter.

 

[Jean4]

I 100 percent understand. Take one day at a time. Take one second at a time if need be. We are here for you.

 

[OneBigBlur]

That's what this forum is here for. Even if it's only from complete internet strangers, we respect your decision and feelings on the matter.

This place is great but the screen is a barrier and I just wish I had someone in person I wouldn't have to hide this from. Therapy almost reminds me of an abusive relationship where one person pretends to care, does nothing, and then attempts to help by fucking traumatizing you(psych ward). It's unfortunate but most people aren't as kind and humane as someone like Thomas Szasz, all they can do is pull out their rose tinted glasses and follow their professions useless guidelines of "morality" and "ethics" that treat me like a science experiment.

 

[NitriteAnatomy]

There are many of us that are on this forum, screen barrier or no, due to the same reason of not having anyone in person to lean on. It's much better than having nothing but silence, but guess that's just me.

That being said, I truly do understand and see where you're coming from. There are many, many people that only say they care or want to listen, so that it makes them feel all warm and fuzzy inside and they don't care outside themselves.

 

[OneBigBlur]

That being said, I truly do understand and see where you're coming from. There are many, many people that only say they care or want to listen, so that it makes them feel all warm and fuzzy inside and they don't care outside themselves.

I almost read someones suicide note from here to my therapist to prove how little the people from her profession actually care but I decided not to because it'd be an effort in futility to try to explain it. Even in death peoples words fall on deaf ears to the living.

 

[NitriteAnatomy]

I almost read someones suicide note from here to my therapist to prove how little the people from her profession actually care but I decided not to because it'd be an effort in futility to try to explain it. Even in death peoples words fall on deaf ears to the living.

I learned, years ago, that most therapists are only in it for the paycheck. Can't get paid if your patients keep offing themselves, can they?

 

[OneBigBlur]

I learned, years ago, that most therapists are only in it for the paycheck. Can't get paid if your patients keep offing themselves, can they?

In my last session I bluntly told her this and other reasons as to why the "therapeutic relationship" is a bunch of bullshit. Of course she made a roundabout excuse to tell me it wasn't about the money, lol. Anything to avoid reality at all costs so they can sleep at night.

 

[NitriteAnatomy]

In my last session I bluntly told her this and other reasons as to why the "therapeutic relationship" is a bunch of bullshit. Of course she made a roundabout excuse to tell me it wasn't about the money, lol. Anything to avoid reality at all costs so they can sleep at night.

Exactly. The people that are supposed to understand and got their fancy pieces of paper to prove such, have not a single fucking clue about anything, unless there are $$$'s in front of it. That's how I, personally, feel about that matter. I am sorry that you don't have a better support system, I think an actual one would help so many people, no matter if they still CTB or not.

 

[Jean4]

Exactly. The people that are supposed to understand and got their fancy pieces of paper to prove such, have not a single fucking clue about anything, unless there are $$$'s in front of it. That's how I, personally, feel about that matter. I am sorry that you don't have a better support system, I think an actual one would help so many people, no matter if they still CTB or not.

This is the best support system we could have. People in the outside world just don't understand.

No different than the hell Jack Kevorkian went through.

 

[NitriteAnatomy]

This is the best support system we could have. People in the outside world just don't understand.

No different than the hell Jack Kevorkian went through.

I remember his case, growing up. I was horrified at what he'd done for awhile, until I got old enough to understand what he was trying to do for others.

 

[Jean4]

I remember his case, growing up. I was horrified at what he'd done for awhile, until I got old enough to understand what he was trying to do for others.

My idol. Was thrown in jail for it.

 

[NitriteAnatomy]

My idol. Was thrown in jail for it.

Man was definitely ahead of his time in trying to open people's eyes to euthanasia.

 

[OneBigBlur]

My idol. Was thrown in jail for it.

This is kind of strange but it reminded me of an X-Files episode and this quote in particular:

SCULLY: You cheated them out of life by promising them prosperity when the only possible reward was death.

DR. WU: In my belief, death is nothing to be feared. It's merely a stage of transition but life without hope -- now, that's living hell. So, hope was my gift to these men. I don't expect you to understand.

 

[Wayfaerer]

drug use. It's what I'm doing until then.

 

[OneBigBlur]

drug use. It's what I'm doing until then.

Yeah, I was looking at buying MDMA on Empire Market to at least feel happy once in my life and to hold me over for the remaining months. The process of buying the stuff feels too overwhelming for me at the moment so I don't think I can be bothered. Maybe I should go back to cigarettes *shrug*

 

[Wayfaerer]

Yeah, I was looking at buying MDMA on Empire Market to at least feel happy once in my life and to hold me over for the remaining months. The process of buying the stuff feels too overwhelming for me at the moment so I don't think I can be bothered. Maybe I should go back to cigarettes *shrug*

Use kratom and phenibut. I think kratom might be banned in your state though (like everything else fun).

 

[OneBigBlur]

Use kratom and phenibut. I think kratom might be banned in your state though (like everything else fun).

It isn't banned, it's legal in my state. Do you have any recommendations for vendors, strains, and what is easiest to consume? I'm assuming it's something that is edible.

 

[miseryh8scompany]

All strains enhance mood but lighter (white) strains are generally energizing and darker (red) strains are sedating. Sites often include a guide to choosing

Taking the powder straight can irritate the gut, I prefer making teas