_elliott
sweet adeline.
- Apr 24, 2021
- 148
first of all i have never used an internet forum before besides from 4chan very briefly so i apologize for being so bad at it, cringe whatever. or if this is not how you're supposed to post or whatever. i've read the rules a billion times though so i think i'm doing okay?
anyways: i guess to summarize the best i can: life is unbearable. it's constant pain after constant pain. i can't recognize myself in the mirror, my family, friends, anyone. i still have care for my friends, but my family, aka. the three other people i live with, is unbearable. i love them i think because i have to but my brain cannot recognize them as people. i can't recognize anyone as people. i can't remember things due to some brain issues. i was diagnosed with schizophrenia briefly before psychiatrists decided that at the time i was "too young" and couldn't have it and decided to just give me ocd instead. talking to someone recently who has become insanely, quickly close to me revealed that the medications they did put me on for that probably actually made my brain worse since we both found out through talking (they're going to school for neuroscience) that schizophrenia can even be classified as a brain degenerate disease. i've tried reaching out to family and doctors to get brain scans and the goal is close, but i think it's still so far away. what if they look in there and don't see anything, what then?
i've been thinking about when my CTB date will be. it was originally going to be the 29th of this month--the anniversary of a very traumatic SA i had, but due to a new person in my life, i've decided to postpone. and i think i'm not ready yet anyways. i've scrounged around and found people asking when the right time is: which would be when you can't bare it, tired, weak, having nothing new to gain, ect. and i'm there. sure i have some joys keeping me around, but it's not enough. i can't do it. i'm not going to succeed at the things i want and i genuinely think my mental condition is getting worse. i used to smoke 10 cigarettes or less a day and it'd be enough but now i'm up to 2 packs a day just to feel okay. just using that as some sort of -- decline point? something.
i don't know how i'm going to go through with it. i have a playlist full of music as music usually helps me stay in the mindset of wanting to die-but i both cannot live anymore nor can die. i'm too scared.
i have a suicide note, though it's just lyrics to one of my favorite songs. i couldn't explain my full range of emotions to anyone in real life as they would never understand it. never. no one does. i've seen 8 different therapists or so across 10 years and they have never understood it. my memories are so shot i can't remember anything anymore, my own face or feelings, and am in a constant state of dissociation, not to mention delusions and other things making reality very hard to bare, not that i can tell what it is.
i had an attempt this month -- a few days ago, which led me to sign up for the forum. i had a bunch of whippets--kept breathing into it for, (time is screwed) 10 minutes or so. i felt myself going unconscious, had a seizure i think (i've had them before so i'm guessing that is what the reaction was) before waking up and puking uncontrollably. i had a friend message me something unrelated and when i recovered i just poured that they were my friend ect of the night and they said they were glad i didn't die. but i just. i was happy then that someone cared but that feeling has already passed. why is this so hard?
to summarize what i'm saying/asking: life is not tolerable anymore. i can't do it. but i'm also too scared to kill myself. how do i push myself to finally get over the "survival" instinct and go through with it? i know exactly how i want to die, and that thought actually comforts me a lot, but i think despite my failing feelings on people, there's some guilt that gets in the way. what helps you guys deal with the possible guilt of hurting people?
and, as for the note, i do have a small thing typed up to send to some friends/servers on discord i am apart of. should i not include that? should i just not tell those people? i can't decide if i want to go offline forever or tell them what happened. i'm leaning more towards honesty. if it was me, i wouldn't want to be told, but i don't want people to think badly of me. that i didn't care and just ditched them, because that is far from the truth. i guess that might be selfish, though. who knows.
my apologies for being so long, ranting so long, anything. i just needed to get it out. i'm shaking quite a bit tonight even writing this.
and edit : not asking nec. how to die, as i know that's against the rules. but more anything that will help reduce the guilt i might feel if i do decide to go and pass and how to, i guess, let people know in a way that is... healthy? for both parties. i think that the guilt i feel is tying into being unable to get past the underlying urge to survive. (hopefully, that makes sense?)
anyways: i guess to summarize the best i can: life is unbearable. it's constant pain after constant pain. i can't recognize myself in the mirror, my family, friends, anyone. i still have care for my friends, but my family, aka. the three other people i live with, is unbearable. i love them i think because i have to but my brain cannot recognize them as people. i can't recognize anyone as people. i can't remember things due to some brain issues. i was diagnosed with schizophrenia briefly before psychiatrists decided that at the time i was "too young" and couldn't have it and decided to just give me ocd instead. talking to someone recently who has become insanely, quickly close to me revealed that the medications they did put me on for that probably actually made my brain worse since we both found out through talking (they're going to school for neuroscience) that schizophrenia can even be classified as a brain degenerate disease. i've tried reaching out to family and doctors to get brain scans and the goal is close, but i think it's still so far away. what if they look in there and don't see anything, what then?
i've been thinking about when my CTB date will be. it was originally going to be the 29th of this month--the anniversary of a very traumatic SA i had, but due to a new person in my life, i've decided to postpone. and i think i'm not ready yet anyways. i've scrounged around and found people asking when the right time is: which would be when you can't bare it, tired, weak, having nothing new to gain, ect. and i'm there. sure i have some joys keeping me around, but it's not enough. i can't do it. i'm not going to succeed at the things i want and i genuinely think my mental condition is getting worse. i used to smoke 10 cigarettes or less a day and it'd be enough but now i'm up to 2 packs a day just to feel okay. just using that as some sort of -- decline point? something.
i don't know how i'm going to go through with it. i have a playlist full of music as music usually helps me stay in the mindset of wanting to die-but i both cannot live anymore nor can die. i'm too scared.
i have a suicide note, though it's just lyrics to one of my favorite songs. i couldn't explain my full range of emotions to anyone in real life as they would never understand it. never. no one does. i've seen 8 different therapists or so across 10 years and they have never understood it. my memories are so shot i can't remember anything anymore, my own face or feelings, and am in a constant state of dissociation, not to mention delusions and other things making reality very hard to bare, not that i can tell what it is.
i had an attempt this month -- a few days ago, which led me to sign up for the forum. i had a bunch of whippets--kept breathing into it for, (time is screwed) 10 minutes or so. i felt myself going unconscious, had a seizure i think (i've had them before so i'm guessing that is what the reaction was) before waking up and puking uncontrollably. i had a friend message me something unrelated and when i recovered i just poured that they were my friend ect of the night and they said they were glad i didn't die. but i just. i was happy then that someone cared but that feeling has already passed. why is this so hard?
to summarize what i'm saying/asking: life is not tolerable anymore. i can't do it. but i'm also too scared to kill myself. how do i push myself to finally get over the "survival" instinct and go through with it? i know exactly how i want to die, and that thought actually comforts me a lot, but i think despite my failing feelings on people, there's some guilt that gets in the way. what helps you guys deal with the possible guilt of hurting people?
and, as for the note, i do have a small thing typed up to send to some friends/servers on discord i am apart of. should i not include that? should i just not tell those people? i can't decide if i want to go offline forever or tell them what happened. i'm leaning more towards honesty. if it was me, i wouldn't want to be told, but i don't want people to think badly of me. that i didn't care and just ditched them, because that is far from the truth. i guess that might be selfish, though. who knows.
my apologies for being so long, ranting so long, anything. i just needed to get it out. i'm shaking quite a bit tonight even writing this.
and edit : not asking nec. how to die, as i know that's against the rules. but more anything that will help reduce the guilt i might feel if i do decide to go and pass and how to, i guess, let people know in a way that is... healthy? for both parties. i think that the guilt i feel is tying into being unable to get past the underlying urge to survive. (hopefully, that makes sense?)
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