hey, sorry, first post here.
so like pretty much everyone here, my life fucking sucks. im 19 soon, I've spent my whole life being abused, bullied, and outcast.
I dont have any family or a childhood to look back on. my mother and father in poverty and were emotionally and sometimes physically abusive, and i spent a lot of my years caring for my younger siblings. ive always, ALWAYS done everything i can to be nice to people, but ive only ever been bullied. ive never actually had a real friend before. the bullying got so bad a girl threw acid at me. I think ive only ever actually hung out with my own "friends" 3 times in my whole life, and those friends kept me around to bully me.
because of how bad my school and home life were, I got into drugs and alcohol around 14 years old. because of this I fucked up my education, and now I don't even have that and no energy or motivation to want to try again. I'm also so scared of schools and teenagers that i have panic attacks around them.
the only good thing that ever happened to me was my boyfriend. he seriously loves me. like, to the point where I worry hed kill himself if I killed myself. he has had a perfect life. loads of friends, good education, lots of money, very happy and with lots of experiences. he wants to live but not without me.
i keep trying to explain to him that the only thing that'll make me happy is for it all to end. i keep trying to tell him why "life is worth living" and "just keep hope" are phrases that work for people like him who have actual lives lived and happy memories to look back on, not myself. he just doesn't understand. he doesn't understand why I cant let go of my past. he doesn't understand why I can't just look forward, but when I look forward, all I see is darkness.
and please please dont assume I haven't tried to make my life different. I've DESPERATELY tried. I spent months researching how to make friends, how to treat my symptoms, how to be liked. nothing works. nobody likes me and I srsly can't figure out what im doing wrong anymore. they all have their friends, and some have just said to my face that they're not interested in having more.
I know in my heart i will never be happy. I pray that I can die and reincarnate into a better life. one that's actually worth it. one where BPD doesn't rule my thoughts and feelings. one where I can cry to my mum and dad. one where I can live with my friends and experience life together. one where I can stay in education and become a doctor like I'd always dreamed. one where we had the money growing up for food on the table, or maybe even a nice christmas. or, if not, that I can finally stop existing. no feelings, no thoughts, nothingness. that is my heaven. that is my peace.
I dont know how to do the selfish thing and leave him so I can be happy. I dont know how to get the courage to die when I know hed die too, literally or figuratively, when he is quite literally the only person in my whole life who's ever been good to me. I dont see how that's fair on him, because he wants to live, but i also can't do this anymore. my love for him is immeasurable, my pain and suffering will always feel greater.
so like pretty much everyone here, my life fucking sucks. im 19 soon, I've spent my whole life being abused, bullied, and outcast.
I dont have any family or a childhood to look back on. my mother and father in poverty and were emotionally and sometimes physically abusive, and i spent a lot of my years caring for my younger siblings. ive always, ALWAYS done everything i can to be nice to people, but ive only ever been bullied. ive never actually had a real friend before. the bullying got so bad a girl threw acid at me. I think ive only ever actually hung out with my own "friends" 3 times in my whole life, and those friends kept me around to bully me.
because of how bad my school and home life were, I got into drugs and alcohol around 14 years old. because of this I fucked up my education, and now I don't even have that and no energy or motivation to want to try again. I'm also so scared of schools and teenagers that i have panic attacks around them.
the only good thing that ever happened to me was my boyfriend. he seriously loves me. like, to the point where I worry hed kill himself if I killed myself. he has had a perfect life. loads of friends, good education, lots of money, very happy and with lots of experiences. he wants to live but not without me.
i keep trying to explain to him that the only thing that'll make me happy is for it all to end. i keep trying to tell him why "life is worth living" and "just keep hope" are phrases that work for people like him who have actual lives lived and happy memories to look back on, not myself. he just doesn't understand. he doesn't understand why I cant let go of my past. he doesn't understand why I can't just look forward, but when I look forward, all I see is darkness.
and please please dont assume I haven't tried to make my life different. I've DESPERATELY tried. I spent months researching how to make friends, how to treat my symptoms, how to be liked. nothing works. nobody likes me and I srsly can't figure out what im doing wrong anymore. they all have their friends, and some have just said to my face that they're not interested in having more.
I know in my heart i will never be happy. I pray that I can die and reincarnate into a better life. one that's actually worth it. one where BPD doesn't rule my thoughts and feelings. one where I can cry to my mum and dad. one where I can live with my friends and experience life together. one where I can stay in education and become a doctor like I'd always dreamed. one where we had the money growing up for food on the table, or maybe even a nice christmas. or, if not, that I can finally stop existing. no feelings, no thoughts, nothingness. that is my heaven. that is my peace.
I dont know how to do the selfish thing and leave him so I can be happy. I dont know how to get the courage to die when I know hed die too, literally or figuratively, when he is quite literally the only person in my whole life who's ever been good to me. I dont see how that's fair on him, because he wants to live, but i also can't do this anymore. my love for him is immeasurable, my pain and suffering will always feel greater.
