i don't know how many people here were/are in a poly relationship, but i still want to know.

[Melancholic_Misfit]

so, imagine that you are part of a polycule and your partner is also a part of that polycule.

your partner has been wondering for a while now if they should breakup with you due to you[r vents/rants] starting to mentally affect them, as well as worrying that anything they do might offend you. this is due to:
- the partner not having good social skills (mismatch of social skills/expectations)
- you voicing whenever something offended you
- you being misinterpreted as being mad at them, due to the communication being done solely in text. when in reality you were in an okay-ish mood when delivering it and you would've been able to deliver it calmly on voice.

so your partner decided to go ask other members of the polycule if your partner should proceed with the break up.

you have alright relations with the other members of the polycule.

and yet, they all unanimously agreed that your partner should break up with you rather than have a discussion together to come to an understanding or even pursue couples therapy.

at that point, aren't you justified in wanting to ask those members of the polycule as to why they told your partner to break it off than do other things?

they both feigned ignorance until i brought up chat logs. afterwards they admitted that they didn't know jack shit about how relationships work. but they still suggested breaking it off, because they wanted to support your partner, regardless of if it was right to do or not.

am i wrong for feeling betrayed here? am i wrong for finding this irresponsible? hell, one of them didn't even wanted to answer me, saying "it's not their place to talk" even though they still suggested in breaking it off. when i asked that person why they feigned ignorance, they said "because they wanted to". am i in the wrong for finding this provocative?

that person even kept avoiding the subject, preferring to interact with others instead. forcing me to say some stuff to them to make them stay and answer, but it went nowhere because they took it personally and flipped their entire perspective of me from it, even though we've known each other for at least a year, even if we didn't speak as much.

 

[Life_and_Death]

it sounds like youre probably better off without them anyway but i agree with you

 

[Jiyuurakka]

at that point, aren't you justified in wanting to ask those members of the polycule as to why they told your partner to break it off than do other things?

Yes you are. Breaking a relationship off for no apparent reason is naturally irrational and makes us think its our fault, its reasonable to question and discuss with your partner to atleast learn and reconcile any misunderstandings.

am i wrong for feeling betrayed here? am i wrong for finding this irresponsible? hell, one of them didn't even wanted to answer me, saying "it's not their place to talk" even though they still suggested in breaking it off.

That's really dumb of them, they're blatantly being contradictory by assuming it's not their place to speak up and yet still push a suggestion that does not favor both parties. You're not wrong at all, it's very double faced and quite honestly, repulsive behavior.

when i asked that person why they feigned ignorance, they said "because they wanted to". am i in the wrong for finding this provocative?

Not at all, that response is very egoistic and it paints a picture as if they're allowed to do whatever they want irrespective of your own autonomy to question things. Very provocative and completely shuts off any possible discussion that can be had.

Your feelings are valid, it sounds like your words are being used against you and when you start making sense, they just refuse to listen to you and push their own perspective. There's no need to doubt yourself because these people are outright refusing any attempt at open discussion and forcing their own vaguely thought responses onto you.

 

[pleaseiwanttogo]

my question is to you: why are you still with them?

 

[Anonstudent]

so, imagine that you are part of a polycule and your partner is also a part of that polycule.

your partner has been wondering for a while now if they should breakup with you due to you[r vents/rants] starting to mentally affect them, as well as worrying that anything they do might offend you. this is due to:
- the partner not having good social skills (mismatch of social skills/expectations)
- you voicing whenever something offended you
- you being misinterpreted as being mad at them, due to the communication being done solely in text. when in reality you were in an okay-ish mood when delivering it and you would've been able to deliver it calmly on voice.

so your partner decided to go ask other members of the polycule if your partner should proceed with the break up.

you have alright relations with the other members of the polycule.

and yet, they all unanimously agreed that your partner should break up with you rather than have a discussion together to come to an understanding or even pursue couples therapy.

at that point, aren't you justified in wanting to ask those members of the polycule as to why they told your partner to break it off than do other things?

they both feigned ignorance until i brought up chat logs. afterwards they admitted that they didn't know jack shit about how relationships work. but they still suggested breaking it off, because they wanted to support your partner, regardless of if it was right to do or not.

am i wrong for feeling betrayed here? am i wrong for finding this irresponsible? hell, one of them didn't even wanted to answer me, saying "it's not their place to talk" even though they still suggested in breaking it off. when i asked that person why they feigned ignorance, they said "because they wanted to". am i in the wrong for finding this provocative?

that person even kept avoiding the subject, preferring to interact with others instead. forcing me to say some stuff to them to make them stay and answer, but it went nowhere because they took it personally and flipped their entire perspective of me from it, even though we've known each other for at least a year, even if we didn't speak as much.

I'm going to condense this for your benefit.
You had to write an essay to articulate the problem of this polycule in specific.

Dating, especially in polycules. Is NOT conducive to good mental health.

 

[ForgottenAgain]

Sounds like the people involved in that relationship aren't great. I personally don't understand the appeal of dating a sea of people but you do you.
Independent of that, sounds like they'd rather have one less partner on the relationship and you just happened to be the one on the chopping block.

 

[Melancholic_Misfit]

my question is to you: why are you still with them?

i left the polycule a week before i made this post. idk why you thought i was still with them.

i made this post because i was confused on certain things, because everyone just took that person's side without even asking for my account and *i* was instead being touted to be a crazy person for what i did. i was also still dealing with loss, betrayal and wanted some support, since i was dealing with this alone.

I'm going to condense this for your benefit.
You had to write an essay to articulate the problem of this polycule in specific.

Dating, especially in polycules. Is NOT conducive to good mental health.

ok......why do you think so?

Sounds like the people involved in that relationship aren't great. I personally don't understand the appeal of dating a sea of people but you do you.
Independent of that, sounds like they'd rather have one less partner on the relationship and you just happened to be the one on the chopping block.

looking back to it, yeah, idk if it would've lasted anyway. there was a mismatch between communication skills/expectations anyway. amidst other things.

as for appeal of dating multiple people - i guess it helps with availability. like if one partner can't be available at the time, they can go to the other partner for a while.
or hell, if you loved someone else but also love your current partner, this is a great way to do both without having to sacrifice one for the other.
and it doesn't come off as cheating because everyone agreed to it.
i think it also works as a good support structure, especially financial one in current times where cost of living is unnecessarily high.

i still had a main partner who i preferred to spend time with the most amidst all this... but yeah, i think they were done dealing with me and chose to side with them because they "never reacted so erratically unlike her".

 

[Anonstudent]

i left the polycule a week before i made this post. idk why you thought i was still with them.

i made this post because i was confused on certain things, because everyone just took that person's side without even asking for my account and *i* was instead being touted to be a crazy person for what i did. i was also still dealing with loss, betrayal and wanted some support, since i was dealing with this alone.


ok......why do you think so?


looking back to it, yeah, idk if it would've lasted anyway. there was a mismatch between communication skills/expectations.

as for appeal of dating multiple people - i guess it helps with availability. like if one partner can't be available at the time, they can go to the other partner for a while.
or hell, if you loved someone else but also love your current partner, this is a great way to do both without having to sacrifice one for the other.
and it doesn't come off as cheating because everyone agreed to it.

i still had a main partner who i preferred to spend time with the most amidst all this... but yeah, i think they were done dealing with me and chose to side with them because they "never reacted so erratically unlike her".

You've articulated the reasons very well and I agree. This is why personally for me polyamory is not good my mental health. And I suspect for most people it isn't.
Lack of stability begets even more loss of stability.

 

[EternalShore]

I'm sorry that happened to you :( People can be so untrustworthy like that! >_<
The thing is~ If they're willing to throw you under the bus in such a cruel manner like that, I don't get why you would still wish in remain in the polyamorous relationship~ :( They may very well betray you, just as selfish humans do (especially if they had the "highest value" , for their own benefit in the future! >_< Relationships are already rather difficult between 2 people so extending it to be even more is only bound to cause trouble as unfortunate as it can be! :( I don't know your reasons for joining a polyamorous relationship, but I would suggest you rethink them with this experience in mind and consider dating just 1 person, maybe someone from the polycule or from somewhere else.
Regardless, I wish you the best in your situation and hope everything goes well and you continue on your journey for recovery if that is what you wish for! ^_^

 

[Ash’Girl]

Poly only works if all parties communicate openly and honestly, agreeing on rules and expectations. Poly isn't my thing, but I've had friends who have been successful in maintaining poly dynamics for years… one set for decades. They are very happy with how it works for them.

This doesn't really sound like poly. It sounds like when I was in high school and everyone messed around with each other as an open kind of secret, but soon as there was any kind of conflict it would involve drama and taking sides instead of sitting and resolving the issue like adults. Even taken the poly bit out, if you were only involved with the one partner and it was them seeking advice from friends, you've literally just been sent to trial with them as collective judge, jury and executioner and effectively ostracised. And they didn't even let you take the stand before passing sentence!

You are way better off out of it. Group dynamics often look for a scapegoat. If you are away from it, they'll probably just find another scapegoat.

I'm sorry for what you have gone through.

 

[pleaseiwanttogo]

i left the polycule a week before i made this post. idk why you thought i was still with them.

i made this post because i was confused on certain things, because everyone just took that person's side without even asking for my account and *i* was instead being touted to be a crazy person for what i did. i was also still dealing with loss, betrayal and wanted some support, since i was dealing with this alone.

I didn't mean to be rude, I swear, sorry for that! I believe I read it fastly and didn't pay attention enough to see you already left the relationship. I also didn't argumented about because you seemed sure of your thoughts, but I was wrong to do so. Your point of view is extremely valid and from where I can see they didn't care much about you and weren't mature enough to be in a relationship. I'm sorry again if I offended or hurted you with my comment and guarantee you it was never my intention.

 

[AmericanMary]

so, imagine that you are part of a polycule and your partner is also a part of that polycule.

your partner has been wondering for a while now if they should breakup with you due to you[r vents/rants] starting to mentally affect them, as well as worrying that anything they do might offend you. this is due to:
- the partner not having good social skills (mismatch of social skills/expectations)
- you voicing whenever something offended you
- you being misinterpreted as being mad at them, due to the communication being done solely in text. when in reality you were in an okay-ish mood when delivering it and you would've been able to deliver it calmly on voice.

so your partner decided to go ask other members of the polycule if your partner should proceed with the break up.

you have alright relations with the other members of the polycule.

and yet, they all unanimously agreed that your partner should break up with you rather than have a discussion together to come to an understanding or even pursue couples therapy.

at that point, aren't you justified in wanting to ask those members of the polycule as to why they told your partner to break it off than do other things?

they both feigned ignorance until i brought up chat logs. afterwards they admitted that they didn't know jack shit about how relationships work. but they still suggested breaking it off, because they wanted to support your partner, regardless of if it was right to do or not.

am i wrong for feeling betrayed here? am i wrong for finding this irresponsible? hell, one of them didn't even wanted to answer me, saying "it's not their place to talk" even though they still suggested in breaking it off. when i asked that person why they feigned ignorance, they said "because they wanted to". am i in the wrong for finding this provocative?

that person even kept avoiding the subject, preferring to interact with others instead. forcing me to say some stuff to them to make them stay and answer, but it went nowhere because they took it personally and flipped their entire perspective of me from it, even though we've known each other for at least a year, even if we didn't speak as much.

I've been in the poly lifestyle for a while. If one of my partners surveyed their other partners about breaking up with me, I'd be pissed.

I'd also be pissed at the entire polycule. That is not their place.

Yes we date the same people, but they are all independent relationships. Nobody should be able to decide when my relationship needs to end if they are not directly part of it.

Honestly it sounds like a toxic polycule. Your feelings are VERY valid.