Maormer
Member
- May 21, 2024
- 34
ive been seriously considering suicide for a few months, at this point i think i actually will be attempting to CTB. The issue is that my sister just got proposed to. Ive always made it a top priority for any plan to hurt as few people as possible, and this threw a wrench in that idea. She asked me to be a brides maid for her, and i really do love my sister, she's a great person and im really happy for her. If i kill myself now her wedding will be tainted by my absence. I cant have people thinking about her dead sister on her wedding day. I cant even do it the day after because i dont want her anniversary to become associated with my passing. If I wait two months so the dates are far apart and not close to any important annual events for my loved ones that means i need to survive until at least May 11th.
Over a year, i need to survive for over a year. I dont know how to do it. Im crying constantly, im not eating, im not sleeping, my derealization issues are back, im not taking care of my health, my grades are awful, and last night i learned that if you cry hard enough youll vomit, so thats fun. I cant keep living like this I keep thinking "why not just do it tonight, why wait?" The urge to just grab a rope and do it is so strong. I keep talking myself down "you havent written a note left, who would find you? do you think theyd be able to handle that? what about your dog? you should at least clean your room first." but i cant do this every night. it will kill me. I dont want to ruin my sister's wedding but i dont know how to survive that long
Over a year, i need to survive for over a year. I dont know how to do it. Im crying constantly, im not eating, im not sleeping, my derealization issues are back, im not taking care of my health, my grades are awful, and last night i learned that if you cry hard enough youll vomit, so thats fun. I cant keep living like this I keep thinking "why not just do it tonight, why wait?" The urge to just grab a rope and do it is so strong. I keep talking myself down "you havent written a note left, who would find you? do you think theyd be able to handle that? what about your dog? you should at least clean your room first." but i cant do this every night. it will kill me. I dont want to ruin my sister's wedding but i dont know how to survive that long
