Thornless Rose
Wilted Flower
- Aug 19, 2023
- 10
Hello. First post here.
I don't really know where to start.
I did my first CTB attempt at around 9. Let's just say that for as long as I can remember I've been combating dark thoughts. We were in India at that time, my family and me. My father was pursuing his career oversea and when he was sent to India for a long term contract (3+ years), "we" decided to follow him. Obviously as a child I didn't have much say in the matter. Much love to my indian brothers and sisters but for my privileged ass from countryside Europe, it was a lot to take in. The cultural shock can be hard enough on adults, as a child it was purely traumatic.
I was cut off from any social life outside my family, the language barrier was hard to deal with. Not to mention the devastating amount of rough shit you see in India. I remember vividly being in the back of the car, having murderous thoughts about my parents and myself.
I wasn't exactly sane anymore when I came back to live in my native country a few years later. I always thought very rationaly while storing away any feelings and emotions away. I felt like a black hole in human form. I didn't feel sad, happy or any variation of human emotions, I just carried on through the motion mechanically and coldly. This lead me to hurt a lot of other childs, lacking any form of empathy. I was so hurt and broken at this point. (I skipped the abuse I faced before going to India as it is something I prefer not reminiscing).
This further isolation in my homeland could have lead to me not being able to tell the story today, thankfully when I further showed distress signs my parents did take the hint and I was sent to my grandparents. I love my grandparents very much and the first stop I had to my dark thoughts were them. I couldn't leave before them, I wanted and still wants to be there for them. Populations in the west treat the elderly very poorly, this is one of the benefits I can see today to have seen India and its culture.
Anyway... skip forward a bit and the later years of my teenagehood arrives. Highschool is boring and anxiety inducing but hanging out with friends is fun, drinking, smoking weed, first relationship, skinship. It's fun, life can be fun.
It's the first time I have to deal with my feelings, and it's so scary. Being sentient is scary. Having a lizard brain is sscary. It felt like opening my eyes for the first time, did my heart always beat so fast ? Was the sun always so soft on my skin ? Was the wind always that nice in the summer of my existence ? For a moment I was a child again, naive innocent and genuinely happy.
It didn't last for too long tho, and I was faced with my dark thoughs and feelings for the first time. They were always there, just shut very deep in that castle I built around myself and it just crumbled. My own skin started hurting, I didn't feel like I fit anywhere, I didn't find my place.
I was a very rough teenager to deal with, I was living with my mother at this point who was also tired of following my father around. And I would scream, we would cry. I was very hateful, towards everyone. I was angry that I had to deal with living because of her. But truthfully, I was mostly angry and hateful toward myself for being broken. For not being able to function properly in society. We had lots of open heart discussions, and for as rough as it was, it made our bond grow stronger.
Now where does this relate to the title, you've been reading for a bit at this point and I appreciate it. I had a lot to get out of my chest.
I told my mother and sister about my suicidal thoughts back then. But now I feel stuck. I'm pretending everything is alright, even with myself. I said earlier I think in a rational manner, and when I weight my existence against what I've seen in the world. I'm a privileged white ass, with caring open minded family, a rich ass (absent) father, I'm good looking. I should be happy, but I'm not. They think I'm recovering, but I don't think we can put all pieces back together. I'm broken because I had parts stolen from me. I'm back to acting mechanical and coldly, I'm back to storing away how I feel. I just pretend that it's fine, that I'm fine. But there's always this morning where I'm at my lowest, getting out of bed requires so much energy. I just want to sleep and never wake up, as if life was just a long drifting dream. As if nothing mattered. But lizard brain, right..
I start to think about how devasting it would be for people around me if I were to leave. I'm chained here and it's a weight I have to carry alone.
I don't really know where to start.
I did my first CTB attempt at around 9. Let's just say that for as long as I can remember I've been combating dark thoughts. We were in India at that time, my family and me. My father was pursuing his career oversea and when he was sent to India for a long term contract (3+ years), "we" decided to follow him. Obviously as a child I didn't have much say in the matter. Much love to my indian brothers and sisters but for my privileged ass from countryside Europe, it was a lot to take in. The cultural shock can be hard enough on adults, as a child it was purely traumatic.
I was cut off from any social life outside my family, the language barrier was hard to deal with. Not to mention the devastating amount of rough shit you see in India. I remember vividly being in the back of the car, having murderous thoughts about my parents and myself.
I wasn't exactly sane anymore when I came back to live in my native country a few years later. I always thought very rationaly while storing away any feelings and emotions away. I felt like a black hole in human form. I didn't feel sad, happy or any variation of human emotions, I just carried on through the motion mechanically and coldly. This lead me to hurt a lot of other childs, lacking any form of empathy. I was so hurt and broken at this point. (I skipped the abuse I faced before going to India as it is something I prefer not reminiscing).
This further isolation in my homeland could have lead to me not being able to tell the story today, thankfully when I further showed distress signs my parents did take the hint and I was sent to my grandparents. I love my grandparents very much and the first stop I had to my dark thoughts were them. I couldn't leave before them, I wanted and still wants to be there for them. Populations in the west treat the elderly very poorly, this is one of the benefits I can see today to have seen India and its culture.
Anyway... skip forward a bit and the later years of my teenagehood arrives. Highschool is boring and anxiety inducing but hanging out with friends is fun, drinking, smoking weed, first relationship, skinship. It's fun, life can be fun.
It's the first time I have to deal with my feelings, and it's so scary. Being sentient is scary. Having a lizard brain is sscary. It felt like opening my eyes for the first time, did my heart always beat so fast ? Was the sun always so soft on my skin ? Was the wind always that nice in the summer of my existence ? For a moment I was a child again, naive innocent and genuinely happy.
It didn't last for too long tho, and I was faced with my dark thoughs and feelings for the first time. They were always there, just shut very deep in that castle I built around myself and it just crumbled. My own skin started hurting, I didn't feel like I fit anywhere, I didn't find my place.
I was a very rough teenager to deal with, I was living with my mother at this point who was also tired of following my father around. And I would scream, we would cry. I was very hateful, towards everyone. I was angry that I had to deal with living because of her. But truthfully, I was mostly angry and hateful toward myself for being broken. For not being able to function properly in society. We had lots of open heart discussions, and for as rough as it was, it made our bond grow stronger.
Now where does this relate to the title, you've been reading for a bit at this point and I appreciate it. I had a lot to get out of my chest.
I told my mother and sister about my suicidal thoughts back then. But now I feel stuck. I'm pretending everything is alright, even with myself. I said earlier I think in a rational manner, and when I weight my existence against what I've seen in the world. I'm a privileged white ass, with caring open minded family, a rich ass (absent) father, I'm good looking. I should be happy, but I'm not. They think I'm recovering, but I don't think we can put all pieces back together. I'm broken because I had parts stolen from me. I'm back to acting mechanical and coldly, I'm back to storing away how I feel. I just pretend that it's fine, that I'm fine. But there's always this morning where I'm at my lowest, getting out of bed requires so much energy. I just want to sleep and never wake up, as if life was just a long drifting dream. As if nothing mattered. But lizard brain, right..
I start to think about how devasting it would be for people around me if I were to leave. I'm chained here and it's a weight I have to carry alone.
