Story I don't have anyone to talk to about this. Please help.

[ILiveForMusic]

Hi, I'm a new user and created this account just a few days ago, as I have no one to talk to about this who will understand. Ironically, I found this forum through a Youtube video that was trying to censor it, and being the nosy girl I am, I went out trying to find the uncensored version. Upon doing more research, I realized that this is actually exactly what I've been looking for, and that there are people on here that could help me, and stop me from ending my life.

I've tagged this thread as a story to give you all a little background.
I'm a young adult. Meaning I've just recently felt like I'm not a teenager anymore. But, the more i've grown up, the more my life has gotten harder. I've fallen into depression for the first time in my life, and I need help. My main reason for wanting to ctb is my family, which is probably something you've heard many times before, but I'm begging you to hear me out, because I really, really, really need help.

I'm an outgoing person. I'm very loud, I crack many jokes, and can befriend ANYONE within seconds. I'm very confident (socially), and, well, my personality has made life really enjoyable for me so far, because it quite literally makes it impossible for me to stay sad for long periods of time. But recently, it hasn't been doing that anymore. Also, I am a very insecure person. I worry about my looks very often, and do not have physical confidence, not one bit of it. This contributes to my depression, and as the days pass by, it gets worse.

I come from a very religious family, from a country stuck in the past when it comes to tradition. Growing up, I thought all the things that happen in my family was normal. Physical abuse to discipline, reoccurring punishments, yelling, screaming, gaslighting, literally anything negative you could think of has probably happened in my home. I thought everyone went through it. I thought it was just the way of life. But, my sophomore year of highschool, I was finally given a lot more freedom, and I went to my friend's house. It was so taboo, her and her mom laughing and conversing with each other like they were friends. The jokes her mom could take. The way my friend had so much freedom and her mom trusted her. The way her mom would treat me. I felt like a weight had been lifted off my chest, I wasn't uncomfortable. I realized that I lived in a home that wasn't healthy at all. My mom likes to appear as a mother who likes to talk with her children and give good advice, but the minute you say something she doesn't like, she does not try to compromise. She wants everything done her way, same goes for my father. Recently, for the first time, well, ever, she has started to cry whenever she wants me to do something related to religion, something I've faced withdrawal from in the past few months.

I started to question things. "Why is this a sin? There's nothing wrong with it." "Wow, that's not allowed? How toxic." "Why are they forcing me to _____? That's not peace." My family did not like this. I attempted to take off my hijab, and it backfired completely. They claim they're not forcing me, but get violent when I want to take it off. Not to mention, they hate when I'm happy. At my big age, I still get my phone taken away, and get yelled at regularly. They attempt to take away everything that makes me happy. Contact with my friends, my music, my major? What does any of this have to do with them? Why do they care so much? Why can't they just leave me alone?

My suicidal thoughts started to stem quickly after these events occurred. I wondered why my parents decided to have me, and wish they never did. I am afraid of my family. They threaten to send me to the country they're from, a country foreign to me, because I do not want to practice religion. I feel like they hate me. I don't want to be here any longer, but, I don't want to die. I just want to be happy, away from them, but I cannot leave, because I am scared of what they'll do to me. No one understands. I can't just 'Call the police', and I can't just 'Get a lawyer'. My family is very traditional, all of these would backfire in some kind of way. Why have kids if you cannot parent. If you don't have the patience to sit down and think of a way that will satisfy everyone involved.

I'm so sorry for the long story, and if none of it makes sense. This is much deeper than you think, and I am not being dramatic. I cry every, single, day, and it hurts, so much. I have no one to talk to. I don't want to be a burden on my friends, the one person who's always complaining. I got a therapist, but she says that 'if you try to hurt yourself, I'll have to tell someone.", and I understand why that is the case, but I don't want this to become a big thing. I want advice from people who have actually gone through similar situations, people who can relate. People who can look at my story and just listen. I am so scared of my father, and I am scared of my mother, who will tell my father if she witnesses something. She is so two-faced. He's threatening to take away everything I live for, and if he does, I don't think I can hold on anymore. My sister tries to help me, but she goes right back to my parents and kisses up to them, not even attempting to help me. Sometimes, she contributes to their abuse. I feel so alone. The only thing keeping me alive is my social life, and my will to live a beautiful life in the future, away from my familial and religious pressure.

Suicide has been on my mind heavy lately, and I've even begun to research methods. But it hurts, I don't want to feel pain. I don't want to die. Life is so beautiful, and I don't want to lose that will to live. But it's getting really hard.

Just to note:
1. I am not looking for suicide encouragement or methods. I am looking for ways to stop thinking this way, things I could do to cope in a household like this until I am financially and mentally stable enough to move out.
2. Helplines are not really my thing. I am scared of what they'll do, it's kind of similar to my therapist situation.
3. I was going to post this in recovery, but realized that isn't the kind of discussion I'm looking for. As much as I'd love to recover completely, that is the final step that I am currently far away from.

Its hard to explain months of torture in one thread to help you all understand what it's really like, and if you have any questions, I'll try my best to answer them.

Thank you to whoever has read until the end. I would really appreciate your help and advice. I have so much to live for, but if I have to do it, I think I will.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Welcome to the forum. I hope you can find some solace here.

From what you've said, a lot of your current anxiety seems to be around the restrictive life you are forced to live at home. I'm assuming you must be at least 18 to have joined the forum. Can you consider perhaps moving away in order to study? That seems like a path your family may be more willing to accept but- it does seem as if being free of the restrictions your family impose on you- plus that home environment may help you.

My early ideation was also caused by a family member. It definitely helped me at least initially to get away from them. Although, I can appreciate it isn't always easy for people. Financially too.

I would actually recommend you posting in the Recovery section also though. I get the sense that you are more keen on trying to avoid/ prevent your suicide and I imagine the members that side of things may have more ideas on how to do that. They will also be able to sympathise with still having ideation though.

 

[SASU-KE]

I understand your situation. I don't care much for that particular religion, mainly because of how they treat women. I just don't understand that part.

Apart from that, your family is also toxic. They're gaslighting you and treating you very poorly. They also seem to feel like it's their right to do so. That's why honor killings are so prevalent in Islam. They just think that it's their right to do that if their women don't fall in line.

The governments don't make it easy either. I feel for you.

Your only hope is to be independent and leave.I pray you can eventually do that.

I hope one day you can hit them with the jab and set aside your hijab.

 

[ILiveForMusic]

Welcome to the forum. I hope you can find some solace here.

From what you've said, a lot of your current anxiety seems to be around the restrictive life you are forced to live at home. I'm assuming you must be at least 18 to have joined the forum. Can you consider perhaps moving away in order to study? That seems like a path your family may be more willing to accept but- it does seem as if being free of the restrictions your family impose on you- plus that home environment may help you.

My early ideation was also caused by a family member. It definitely helped me at least initially to get away from them. Although, I can appreciate it isn't always easy for people. Financially too.

I would actually recommend you posting in the Recovery section also though. I get the sense that you are more keen on trying to avoid/ prevent your suicide and I imagine the members that side of things may have more ideas on how to do that. They will also be able to sympathise with still having ideation though.

Hi! Thanks for replying.

Moving away isn't an option either unfortunately. In a heated argument with my mom I brought up the possibility and she go extremely angry. They trap me in their home and force me to do what they want. She says she doesn't care if I'm an adult and will find a way to turn my entire family against me if I leave (Which I honestly don't care about if I think about it now). Also, financially, moving out just isn't an option right now. But thank you for the advice, it really means a lot.

I'll try posting in recovery sometime soon. You definitely know a lot more than I do about the forum, so I'll take your advice. Thank you so much.

I understand your situation. I don't care much for that particular religion, mainly because of how they treat women. I just don't understand that part.

Apart from that, your family is also toxic. They're gaslighting you and treating you very poorly. They also seem to feel like it's their right to do so. That's why honor killings are so prevalent in Islam. They just think that it's their right to do that if their women don't fall in line.

The governments don't make it easy either. I feel for you.

Your only hope is to be independent and leave.I pray you can eventually do that.

I hope one day you can hit them with the jab and set aside your hijab.

When I was a kid, I definitely would've looked at you crazy for thinking that. But it seemed that the minute I became an adult, everything changed. I completely agree with you.

One of my thoughts that keep coming up along with ctb is how I wouldn't want to if I was a boy. They have 3 other boys and treat them completely differently, they are married and have their own families but it's also just that they had them in my ethnic country and moved to the West when they were just little boys, so they don't even really know them enough to try and boss them around the same way they do their 2 other children—their girls.

You're right about the honor killings, too. Which is why I'm so scared. I've seen how angry my father can get, and even though they preach about murder being against our religion, who's to say he won't do it out of anger one day? I don't feel safe here at all.

Thank you so much for sympathizing. All I wanted was for someone to understand and advice me. Thank you.

 

[SASU-KE]

You're right about the honor killings, too. Which is why I'm so scared. I've seen how angry my father can get, and even though they preach about murder being against our religion, who's to say he won't do it out of anger one day? I don't feel safe here at all.

Unfortunately, it's happened many times. They view women as property instead of people.And to clarify, I don't have a problem with Muslim people. Only with Islam. They're 2 completely different things.

 

[Nightingale93]

But, my sophomore year of highschool, I was finally given a lot more freedom, and I went to my friend's house. It was so taboo, her and her mom laughing and conversing with each other like they were friends. The jokes her mom could take. The way my friend had so much freedom and her mom trusted her. The way her mom would treat me. I felt like a weight had been lifted off my chest, I wasn't uncomfortable. I realized that I lived in a home that wasn't healthy at all. My mom likes to appear as a mother who likes to talk with her children and give good advice, but the minute you say something she doesn't like, she does not try to compromise. She wants everything done her way, same goes for my father. Recently, for the first time, well, ever, she has started to cry whenever she wants me to do something related to religion, something I've faced withdrawal from in the past few months.

Oh my gosh, I relate to this so much, and I wish it wasn't a thing in this world. Helicopter parenting, micromanaging every aspect of your life, never giving you any freedom to discover yourself or to become your own person just angers me so much.
I see this with my cousins and their parents as well. The way they casually converse with each other like they're friends, use curse words, etc.
Thank you for posting this, it makes me feel like I'm not alone, but I wish I could help you as well.
I guess the only way out out of this situation, and since I'm in the same situation, would be to become financially independent and move out on your own. That's the only way you can cut off your toxic family for good.
I really hope you find the life you are looking for <3

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I think you've answered your own questions to some degree in your OP and subsequent responses to others' posts:

You know you need to leave, but are unable due to financial constraints and possibly other reasons, too. You're NEVER going to change your parent's ways. You will never be truly free to be your own person, so long as you must exist within the confines of your parent's beliefs. This will continue to create conflict within yourself until it, eventually, eats away your very essence.

It seems to me that if you want to live, if you want to flourish, grow, and be free to become your own person, there is only one solution. As it stands, you have 3 choices. You can either 1) stay in the sutuation you are in, stagnating, becoming more and more bitter and angry. Or, 2) you can escape by any means necessary and never look back, as hard as it may be to do. Or, 3) you can end your life in hopes of finding peace that way.

I think that if I were a young woman with her entire life in front of her, and lots of good things (your words) to experience in the world, I would opt for solution #2, no matter how difficult, or scary, the prospect. I'd find a way to make it happen even if I had to "sin" to save myself. Because that's what it comes down to. You either save yourself, or you don't. No one else is going to do it for you.

 

[ILiveForMusic]

I think you've answered your own questions to some degree in your OP and subsequent responses to others' posts:

You know you need to leave, but are unable due to financial constraints and possibly other reasons, too. You're NEVER going to change your parent's ways. You will never be truly free to be your own person, so long as you must exist within the confines of your parent's beliefs. This will continue to create conflict within yourself until it, eventually, eats away your very essence.

It seems to me that if you want to live, if you want to flourish, grow, and be free to become your own person, there is only one solution. As it stands, you have 3 choices. You can either 1) stay in the sutuation you are in, stagnating, becoming more and more bitter and angry. Or, 2) you can escape by any means necessary and never look back, as hard as it may be to do. Or, 3) you can end your life in hopes of finding peace that way.

I think that if I were a young woman with her entire life in front of her, and lots of good things (your words) to experience in the world, I would opt for solution #2, no matter how difficult, or scary, the prospect. I'd find a way to make it happen even if I had to "sin" to save myself. Because that's what it comes down to. You either save yourself, or you don't. No one else is going to do it for you.

This might actually be the best thing anyone has told me in relation to this situation. Your words are so inspiring and honestly you made me see this from a new perspective.

You made me sit and think—I really can't change them. I can't change my family, this behavior is rooted into them through generations. Who's to say they're going to stop and listen to the one child the consider rebellious and wrong?

Laying out the options you personally thought of really helped me consider my own, seeing it from an unbiased viewpoint. I don't want to stay in this situation, and ctb doesn't sound too bad right now, but at the same time, I don't want to do it. So you're right, option 2 sounds the best for me.

I will definitely have to buildup the courage and confidence to stop caring about what they think, what they'll say, what they'll do, and start thinking for myself. Because if they didn't want this to happen, they should've never had me, and after all, it's everyone for themselves. They can't have the will to control me just because they're the reason I'm here, I'm a human being too. It's crazy.

Thank you again. The effort you put into showing me your perspective is seriously amazing and I appreciate it a lot. I've never had people who really tried to put effort into helping me with this. I'm really grateful I found this forum.

 

[violetforever]

hi, i relate a lot to your situation. different religions but my family is so dysfunctional from both religion and generational abuse cycles. its my grandpa who has forced religion onto our family in a toxic way. my mom would rather obey him in fear than ever defend herself or her daughters or even her own mom. i started questioning and speaking up about things too and they hate me for it. they say im the one causing problems when all im actually doing is having a reaction to abuse. i have no one except my grandma and she is probably as helpless as i am with how my grandpa treats her. my grandpa is even threatening to kick my sister out now since she has a boyfriend. shes fully an adult, its the most normal and natural thing ever, but hes saying shes sinful for it and what it entails doing. he even disproves of her major too like you mentioned. i dont know what is expected of us from our families? to be treated and punished like children forever instead of allowing us to be the adult women that we are? i wish it was easy to get away too. its so hard with a family like this on top of being poor. i feel like no one understands unless they are in the same situation. if you want to talk, im here. i feel like i know exactly what youre going through

 

[ILiveForMusic]

hi, i relate a lot to your situation. different religions but my family is so dysfunctional from both religion and generational abuse cycles. its my grandpa who has forced religion onto our family in a toxic way. my mom would rather obey him in fear than ever defend herself or her daughters or even her own mom. i started questioning and speaking up about things too and they hate me for it. they say im the one causing problems when all im actually doing is having a reaction to abuse. i have no one except my grandma and she is probably as helpless as i am with how my grandpa treats her. my grandpa is even threatening to kick my sister out now since she has a boyfriend. shes fully an adult, its the most normal and natural thing ever, but hes saying shes sinful for it and what it entails doing. he even disproves of her major too like you mentioned. i dont know what is expected of us from our families? to be treated and punished like children forever instead of allowing us to be the adult women that we are? i wish it was easy to get away too. its so hard with a family like this on top of being poor. i feel like no one understands unless they are in the same situation. if you want to talk, im here. i feel like i know exactly what youre going through

i honestly feel like all of this is so insane, how so many families go through this when it's obviously so wrong. getting punished for doing normal things. i have a concert upcoming next week and even though I've already gotten approval for it I'm still so scared they'll switch up and change their mind. it was already a tough battle getting permission for it, and i had to lie throughout the process to get even a shaky yes. Im literally an adult. I shouldn't even have to ask permission to go. I shouldn't be getting punished for going out, being on my phone, or even daring to think I can have religious freedom.

Thank you for sharing your story. It's really nice to know I'm not the only one, and I hope you're also able to find peace in your situation. I will definitely take your invite into consideration. Sending love, and lots of it!

 

[deadngoresurgery]

Hi, I'm a new user and created this account just a few days ago, as I have no one to talk to about this who will understand. Ironically, I found this forum through a Youtube video that was trying to censor it, and being the nosy girl I am, I went out trying to find the uncensored version. Upon doing more research, I realized that this is actually exactly what I've been looking for, and that there are people on here that could help me, and stop me from ending my life.

I've tagged this thread as a story to give you all a little background.
I'm a young adult. Meaning I've just recently felt like I'm not a teenager anymore. But, the more i've grown up, the more my life has gotten harder. I've fallen into depression for the first time in my life, and I need help. My main reason for wanting to ctb is my family, which is probably something you've heard many times before, but I'm begging you to hear me out, because I really, really, really need help.

I'm an outgoing person. I'm very loud, I crack many jokes, and can befriend ANYONE within seconds. I'm very confident (socially), and, well, my personality has made life really enjoyable for me so far, because it quite literally makes it impossible for me to stay sad for long periods of time. But recently, it hasn't been doing that anymore. Also, I am a very insecure person. I worry about my looks very often, and do not have physical confidence, not one bit of it. This contributes to my depression, and as the days pass by, it gets worse.

I come from a very religious family, from a country stuck in the past when it comes to tradition. Growing up, I thought all the things that happen in my family was normal. Physical abuse to discipline, reoccurring punishments, yelling, screaming, gaslighting, literally anything negative you could think of has probably happened in my home. I thought everyone went through it. I thought it was just the way of life. But, my sophomore year of highschool, I was finally given a lot more freedom, and I went to my friend's house. It was so taboo, her and her mom laughing and conversing with each other like they were friends. The jokes her mom could take. The way my friend had so much freedom and her mom trusted her. The way her mom would treat me. I felt like a weight had been lifted off my chest, I wasn't uncomfortable. I realized that I lived in a home that wasn't healthy at all. My mom likes to appear as a mother who likes to talk with her children and give good advice, but the minute you say something she doesn't like, she does not try to compromise. She wants everything done her way, same goes for my father. Recently, for the first time, well, ever, she has started to cry whenever she wants me to do something related to religion, something I've faced withdrawal from in the past few months.

I started to question things. "Why is this a sin? There's nothing wrong with it." "Wow, that's not allowed? How toxic." "Why are they forcing me to _____? That's not peace." My family did not like this. I attempted to take off my hijab, and it backfired completely. They claim they're not forcing me, but get violent when I want to take it off. Not to mention, they hate when I'm happy. At my big age, I still get my phone taken away, and get yelled at regularly. They attempt to take away everything that makes me happy. Contact with my friends, my music, my major? What does any of this have to do with them? Why do they care so much? Why can't they just leave me alone?

My suicidal thoughts started to stem quickly after these events occurred. I wondered why my parents decided to have me, and wish they never did. I am afraid of my family. They threaten to send me to the country they're from, a country foreign to me, because I do not want to practice religion. I feel like they hate me. I don't want to be here any longer, but, I don't want to die. I just want to be happy, away from them, but I cannot leave, because I am scared of what they'll do to me. No one understands. I can't just 'Call the police', and I can't just 'Get a lawyer'. My family is very traditional, all of these would backfire in some kind of way. Why have kids if you cannot parent. If you don't have the patience to sit down and think of a way that will satisfy everyone involved.

I'm so sorry for the long story, and if none of it makes sense. This is much deeper than you think, and I am not being dramatic. I cry every, single, day, and it hurts, so much. I have no one to talk to. I don't want to be a burden on my friends, the one person who's always complaining. I got a therapist, but she says that 'if you try to hurt yourself, I'll have to tell someone.", and I understand why that is the case, but I don't want this to become a big thing. I want advice from people who have actually gone through similar situations, people who can relate. People who can look at my story and just listen. I am so scared of my father, and I am scared of my mother, who will tell my father if she witnesses something. She is so two-faced. He's threatening to take away everything I live for, and if he does, I don't think I can hold on anymore. My sister tries to help me, but she goes right back to my parents and kisses up to them, not even attempting to help me. Sometimes, she contributes to their abuse. I feel so alone. The only thing keeping me alive is my social life, and my will to live a beautiful life in the future, away from my familial and religious pressure.

Suicide has been on my mind heavy lately, and I've even begun to research methods. But it hurts, I don't want to feel pain. I don't want to die. Life is so beautiful, and I don't want to lose that will to live. But it's getting really hard.

Just to note:
1. I am not looking for suicide encouragement or methods. I am looking for ways to stop thinking this way, things I could do to cope in a household like this until I am financially and mentally stable enough to move out.
2. Helplines are not really my thing. I am scared of what they'll do, it's kind of similar to my therapist situation.
3. I was going to post this in recovery, but realized that isn't the kind of discussion I'm looking for. As much as I'd love to recover completely, that is the final step that I am currently far away from.

Its hard to explain months of torture in one thread to help you all understand what it's really like, and if you have any questions, I'll try my best to answer them.

Thank you to whoever has read until the end. I would really appreciate your help and advice. I have so much to live for, but if I have to do it, I think I will.

Hi, i can't 100% relate to you, but theres some similarities in my household caused by religion. my parents would call me stupid for not believing in god, they didnt let me dress how i wanted because it was "against god" (i just wanted to dress gothic) and they were just people with issues too, forcing it onto me. theyd make fun of how i dress, all that bullshit. im so sorry, religion should be a choice, not forced on you. and them doing all these horrible things to you is even worse. fortunately, i got in college and now i dont gotta deal with that, but thats not an option for many people.

honestly, the advice i can think of is to distract yourself. i know it seems really hard and absurd, but distracting yourself from problems can help a lot. i would be distracted by listening to music i liked (even tho my parents hated the music i liked) or watching youtube videos, drawing, etc. now idk what things you may have in your home, but if youd like to talk about it, im here :)
talking about it too can even become a form of relief. even with the situation im facing rn, the best thing im doing is distracting myself. again, im so sorry that this is happening to you, you do not deserve it, you are not a burden, you have people that care about you. please, i urge you to not think of suicide. i cant be one to talk, ive already hurt myself and am planning on doing it soon, but please, try to distract yourself. you do have a lot to live for. i know you have a beautiful life ahead of you, so try to keep going :)
like i said, i'll be here if you need anything. DM me whenever. please take care, ok?

 

[ILiveForMusic]

Hi, i can't 100% relate to you, but theres some similarities in my household caused by religion. my parents would call me stupid for not believing in god, they didnt let me dress how i wanted because it was "against god" (i just wanted to dress gothic) and they were just people with issues too, forcing it onto me. theyd make fun of how i dress, all that bullshit. im so sorry, religion should be a choice, not forced on you. and them doing all these horrible things to you is even worse. fortunately, i got in college and now i dont gotta deal with that, but thats not an option for many people.

honestly, the advice i can think of is to distract yourself. i know it seems really hard and absurd, but distracting yourself from problems can help a lot. i would be distracted by listening to music i liked (even tho my parents hated the music i liked) or watching youtube videos, drawing, etc. now idk what things you may have in your home, but if youd like to talk about it, im here :)
talking about it too can even become a form of relief. even with the situation im facing rn, the best thing im doing is distracting myself. again, im so sorry that this is happening to you, you do not deserve it, you are not a burden, you have people that care about you. please, i urge you to not think of suicide. i cant be one to talk, ive already hurt myself and am planning on doing it soon, but please, try to distract yourself. you do have a lot to live for. i know you have a beautiful life ahead of you, so try to keep going :)
like i said, i'll be here if you need anything. DM me whenever. please take care, ok?

you caught me at the perfect time

was seriously thinking about it because of something that happened yesterday until i read your reply. thank you so much. you give me hope, and i'm looking up to you. i try to find things to distract myself, i play lots of video games and listen to a whole ton of music, but they try to take it all away. i mentioned in another reply how i have a concert next monday and had to beat around the bush to gain permission to go. i was listening to music in my room the other day and my mom came in to insult me. i was playing games and my dad yelled at me for being too loud + took it all away.

it's really hard, but i'll try to push through, and i think you should too. there's always light at the end of the tunnel. thank you for your hopes and reminders, you're an angel. i trust you lots.

 

[deadngoresurgery]

you caught me at the perfect time

was seriously thinking about it because of something that happened yesterday until i read your reply. thank you so much. you give me hope, and i'm looking up to you. i try to find things to distract myself, i play lots of video games and listen to a whole ton of music, but they try to take it all away. i mentioned in another reply how i have a concert next monday and had to beat around the bush to gain permission to go. i was listening to music in my room the other day and my mom came in to insult me. i was playing games and my dad yelled at me for being too loud + took it all away.

it's really hard, but i'll try to push through, and i think you should too. there's always light at the end of the tunnel. thank you for your hopes and reminders, you're an angel. i trust you lots.

Hi, im glad you responded! im so sorry that they did that. Theyre real assholes honestly. And im glad you got hope from it! If youd like, you can DM me and you can discuss it further! Ill be here to listen :)

 

[idontknowwhatiam]

Hi, I'm a new user and created this account just a few days ago, as I have no one to talk to about this who will understand. Ironically, I found this forum through a Youtube video that was trying to censor it, and being the nosy girl I am, I went out trying to find the uncensored version. Upon doing more research, I realized that this is actually exactly what I've been looking for, and that there are people on here that could help me, and stop me from ending my life.

I've tagged this thread as a story to give you all a little background.
I'm a young adult. Meaning I've just recently felt like I'm not a teenager anymore. But, the more i've grown up, the more my life has gotten harder. I've fallen into depression for the first time in my life, and I need help. My main reason for wanting to ctb is my family, which is probably something you've heard many times before, but I'm begging you to hear me out, because I really, really, really need help.

I'm an outgoing person. I'm very loud, I crack many jokes, and can befriend ANYONE within seconds. I'm very confident (socially), and, well, my personality has made life really enjoyable for me so far, because it quite literally makes it impossible for me to stay sad for long periods of time. But recently, it hasn't been doing that anymore. Also, I am a very insecure person. I worry about my looks very often, and do not have physical confidence, not one bit of it. This contributes to my depression, and as the days pass by, it gets worse.

I come from a very religious family, from a country stuck in the past when it comes to tradition. Growing up, I thought all the things that happen in my family was normal. Physical abuse to discipline, reoccurring punishments, yelling, screaming, gaslighting, literally anything negative you could think of has probably happened in my home. I thought everyone went through it. I thought it was just the way of life. But, my sophomore year of highschool, I was finally given a lot more freedom, and I went to my friend's house. It was so taboo, her and her mom laughing and conversing with each other like they were friends. The jokes her mom could take. The way my friend had so much freedom and her mom trusted her. The way her mom would treat me. I felt like a weight had been lifted off my chest, I wasn't uncomfortable. I realized that I lived in a home that wasn't healthy at all. My mom likes to appear as a mother who likes to talk with her children and give good advice, but the minute you say something she doesn't like, she does not try to compromise. She wants everything done her way, same goes for my father. Recently, for the first time, well, ever, she has started to cry whenever she wants me to do something related to religion, something I've faced withdrawal from in the past few months.

I started to question things. "Why is this a sin? There's nothing wrong with it." "Wow, that's not allowed? How toxic." "Why are they forcing me to _____? That's not peace." My family did not like this. I attempted to take off my hijab, and it backfired completely. They claim they're not forcing me, but get violent when I want to take it off. Not to mention, they hate when I'm happy. At my big age, I still get my phone taken away, and get yelled at regularly. They attempt to take away everything that makes me happy. Contact with my friends, my music, my major? What does any of this have to do with them? Why do they care so much? Why can't they just leave me alone?

My suicidal thoughts started to stem quickly after these events occurred. I wondered why my parents decided to have me, and wish they never did. I am afraid of my family. They threaten to send me to the country they're from, a country foreign to me, because I do not want to practice religion. I feel like they hate me. I don't want to be here any longer, but, I don't want to die. I just want to be happy, away from them, but I cannot leave, because I am scared of what they'll do to me. No one understands. I can't just 'Call the police', and I can't just 'Get a lawyer'. My family is very traditional, all of these would backfire in some kind of way. Why have kids if you cannot parent. If you don't have the patience to sit down and think of a way that will satisfy everyone involved.

I'm so sorry for the long story, and if none of it makes sense. This is much deeper than you think, and I am not being dramatic. I cry every, single, day, and it hurts, so much. I have no one to talk to. I don't want to be a burden on my friends, the one person who's always complaining. I got a therapist, but she says that 'if you try to hurt yourself, I'll have to tell someone.", and I understand why that is the case, but I don't want this to become a big thing. I want advice from people who have actually gone through similar situations, people who can relate. People who can look at my story and just listen. I am so scared of my father, and I am scared of my mother, who will tell my father if she witnesses something. She is so two-faced. He's threatening to take away everything I live for, and if he does, I don't think I can hold on anymore. My sister tries to help me, but she goes right back to my parents and kisses up to them, not even attempting to help me. Sometimes, she contributes to their abuse. I feel so alone. The only thing keeping me alive is my social life, and my will to live a beautiful life in the future, away from my familial and religious pressure.

Suicide has been on my mind heavy lately, and I've even begun to research methods. But it hurts, I don't want to feel pain. I don't want to die. Life is so beautiful, and I don't want to lose that will to live. But it's getting really hard.

Just to note:
1. I am not looking for suicide encouragement or methods. I am looking for ways to stop thinking this way, things I could do to cope in a household like this until I am financially and mentally stable enough to move out.
2. Helplines are not really my thing. I am scared of what they'll do, it's kind of similar to my therapist situation.
3. I was going to post this in recovery, but realized that isn't the kind of discussion I'm looking for. As much as I'd love to recover completely, that is the final step that I am currently far away from.

Its hard to explain months of torture in one thread to help you all understand what it's really like, and if you have any questions, I'll try my best to answer them.

Thank you to whoever has read until the end. I would really appreciate your help and advice. I have so much to live for, but if I have to do it, I think I will.

Are you able to speak to a clinical therapist about your situation?

 

[ILiveForMusic]

Are you able to speak to a clinical therapist about your situation?

i have a social worker! but i don't really have access to a proper therapist, especially payment wise. my parents don't really believe in therapy, they'd mock me for trying to go to one and definitely won't pay for it.

i also fear of what they'd do if i went into detail about my situation. i have to build the courage and confidence to just not care about what happens to my parents if anyone finds out what they've been doing.

i don't know how i still have love for them in my heart despite their traps and how they treat me

 

['Sraom]

i relate to you a lot in a way. im from an islamic family as well and generally they are very controlling compared to other families. ive had a lot of decisions in my life ridiculed especially from my mom, honestly i dont think she likes a single thing ive done that was my own decision.

the judgement from others never really end, if its not from your parents, its from other extended family members. it feels like theres nothing i can do that can be right in the end.

ive kinda accepted that i wont be able to amount to their expectations. of course i could also leave the religion, but i dont think i deserve the right for that. in a way im stuck in an endless loop of abuse.

i get what you've been going through in all these months/years. theres not much i can help you with here, but at least i can share that you aren't alone in your situation.

ramadan mubarak by the way if you're doing it

 

[ILiveForMusic]

i relate to you a lot in a way. im from an islamic family as well and generally they are very controlling compared to other families. ive had a lot of decisions in my life ridiculed especially from my mom, honestly i dont think she likes a single thing ive done that was my own decision.

the judgement from others never really end, if its not from your parents, its from other extended family members. it feels like theres nothing i can do that can be right in the end.

ive kinda accepted that i wont be able to amount to their expectations. of course i could also leave the religion, but i dont think i deserve the right for that. in a way im stuck in an endless loop of abuse.

i get what you've been going through in all these months/years. theres not much i can help you with here, but at least i can share that you aren't alone in your situation.

ramadan mubarak by the way if you're doing it

thank you for empathizing!

why don't you feel that you could leave? i also feel this way. i feel like id be making a grave mistake or something, its been imbedded in me since i was a child.

I find it so strange how ever since you are a child they tell you things like 'you cannot kill yourself or you'll go to hell.' 'you cannot leave the religion, that's a grave sin and you'll go to hell.' 'anyone who worships another god are terrible people and you shouldn't feel bad for them if they go to hell.'

it's just such toxic ideology for people who preach it's a religion of peace. it's almost like they're trying to trap you ever since you are young so you won't even dare to think about leaving when you're older even if you find bare proof you shouldn't follow it.

ramadan kareem to you too! i feel like id be fasting for nothing, but i don't want to make my parents suspicious, so ill just follow along with them haha! wishing you well!

 

['Sraom]

thank you for empathizing!

why don't you feel that you could leave? i also feel this way. i feel like id be making a grave mistake or something, its been imbedded in me since i was a child.

I find it so strange how ever since you are a child they tell you things like 'you cannot kill yourself or you'll go to hell.' 'you cannot leave the religion, that's a grave sin and you'll go to hell.' 'anyone who worships another god are terrible people and you shouldn't feel bad for them if they go to hell.'

it's just such toxic ideology for people who preach it's a religion of peace. it's almost like they're trying to trap you ever since you are young so you won't even dare to think about leaving when you're older even if you find bare proof you shouldn't follow it.

ramadan kareem to you too! i feel like id be fasting for nothing, but i don't want to make my parents suspicious, so ill just follow along with them haha! wishing you well!

honestly its the same sorta thing for me too, id feel like id be making a huge mistake i could never come back from. and i agree on how so many things could send you to hell instantly, its almost suffocating in a way.

i try not to think about how this religion sometimes thinks about other religions, i dont want to hate other people that believe in whatever they want, but sometimes with the way people behave in this religion its almost impossible to avoid.

fasting is such a pain man, but i feel like i have to do it. i still worry about the afterlife and all that, even though im absolutely horrible at praying at all. sometimes i think its pointless for me too, because if im not doing that, then according to other people in the religion, im doomed.

i hope things get better for you soon, i know how limited your life can be like this, especially when you see how other people live their own lives.

 

[cluefixphantom]

Hello, I recently registered here because of suicidal thoughts, to write a little with others and after reading your post. I wanted to ask if you live in a developing country and might be willing to help me navigate life a bit better here in Germany as a assistance? I survive in Germany and unfortunately, I am poor, so I cannot afford a real assistance but I have also only had bad experiences with social workers because they treat me just like the doctors here do—like dirt. I face a lot of discrimination because of my appearance (many insult me as ugly, r'etard), and it would be necessary to wear a bodycam in my area for self-protection. My surroundings are very right-wing conservative/liberal (AfD, CDU are in power here).

I depend on help but I don't receive any (other than my mother delivering me food at my door sometimes) because most people unfortunately think I'm ugly and stupid.

For the past year, I have stayed inside my apartment (similar to Hikkikomori) because I am constantly harassed when I go outside. Mostly, I have already come to terms with ending my life. I have even ordered the materials for my suicide method but still have too much fear that something might go wrong. Since then, I have been waiting for organ failure because I have kidney and other organic problems. I have never had anything good in my life. No access to real health care and I really struggel to get my food on my own, because it isn't safe to go outside for me. Others laugh, are aggressiv, disgusted, spat at me or in my direction. It would be lifesaving if humanoid Robots exist and when I can move away, maybe to Iceland because I love the nature there but I have no money or only small amounts of money (560 a month) and no assistance. I need someone to handle all the organizational tasks.