Venting I don't get why I've to put in so much effort just to live normally, only to still end up miserable in the end

[Sylveon]

I don't know what my incentive is to keep dragging on. I tried everything I think I possibly could have, right from the academics: I went from scoring in single digits in my entrances to being in the top 6 or so percent of my country (not trying to brag, it's nowhere near as cool as it sounds), completely cut off social media, got rid of my binge eating habit completely, tried taking better care of my body, from my ugly face to fitness, learned how to drive (not four-wheelers, but better than nothing, I'd say), tried getting back into video games and art, and what not.

The point is, I put in so much effort just to live normally, and it honestly landed me nowhere. I feel like I'm even worse off than I was before. At least back when I used to waste my days playing video games, I could easily subside these feelings as per my will, but that privilege is long gone. I can't believe it's been three years since even that.

People around me don't have to put in half as much effort; they aren't afraid of social situations; can talk normally without being awkward or coming off as pahtetic or desperate; are actually decent-looking; have friends who actually prefer them; don't make a fuss over the pettiest of stuff; and somehow manage to keep their heads up at all times. Why don't I get any of this? All that effort just to still end up at square one—why should I keep going? I don't even wanna leave my room anymore, but who am I kidding? I'll just be told the same old "everyone does it, so you'll have to as well," "stop using your phone," "just find a hobby," "we have high hopes for you," "you gotta do this, you gotta do that," "just man up..." I'm done with all this.

Thanks to God in the past week for reminding me how I have never been and how I will never be someone's first choice. I'm through... I genuinely wanna carve something insane on my skin so that people will leave me alone forever. I may as well commit to being a freak physically too; maybe then I'll never have to deal with life again, as long as I'm still alive.

Here I am, sitting in my bathroom at 4 a.m., wasting even more of my life. I might have exaggerated some stuff, but I couldn't be bothered.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I worked hard to improve my life too, like really, really, hard and it got me nowhere too: more or less the same stuff you mentioned. It's a myth that tenacity is always rewarded in life. Did you find that anything improved at all, even if you still feel like shit? It sounds like you did manage to effect some change in your life. But yes, it does seem that things just come naturally easier to other people.

 

[Sylveon]

I worked hard to improve my life too, like really, really, hard and it got me nowhere too: more or less the same stuff you mentioned. It's a myth that tenacity is always rewarded in life. Did you find that anything improved at all, even if you still feel like shit? It sounds like you did manage to effect some change in your life. But yes, it does seem that things just come naturally easier to other people.

I think the only thing that somewhat helped me was getting rid of my binge eating because it made me feel like I had a degree of control over my life; apart from that, not so much.

 

[agony1996]

I don't know what my incentive is to keep dragging on. I tried everything I think I possibly could have, right from the academics: I went from scoring in single digits in my entrances to being in the top 6 or so percent of my country (not trying to brag, it's nowhere near as cool as it sounds), completely cut off social media, got rid of my binge eating habit completely, tried taking better care of my body, from my ugly face to fitness, learned how to drive (not four-wheelers, but better than nothing, I'd say), tried getting back into video games and art, and what not.

The point is, I put in so much effort just to live normally, and it honestly landed me nowhere. I feel like I'm even worse off than I was before. At least back when I used to waste my days playing video games, I could easily subside these feelings as per my will, but that privilege is long gone. I can't believe it's been three years since even that.

People around me don't have to put in half as much effort; they aren't afraid of social situations; can talk normally without being awkward or coming off as pahtetic or desperate; are actually decent-looking; have friends who actually prefer them; don't make a fuss over the pettiest of stuff; and somehow manage to keep their heads up at all times. Why don't I get any of this? All that effort just to still end up at square one—why should I keep going? I don't even wanna leave my room anymore, but who am I kidding? I'll just be told the same old "everyone does it, so you'll have to as well," "stop using your phone," "just find a hobby," "we have high hopes for you," "you gotta do this, you gotta do that," "just man up..." I'm done with all this.

Thanks to God in the past week for reminding me how I have never been and how I will never be someone's first choice. I'm through... I genuinely wanna carve something insane on my skin so that people will leave me alone forever. I may as well commit to being a freak physically too; maybe then I'll never have to deal with life again, as long as I'm still alive.

Here I am, sitting in my bathroom at 4 a.m., wasting even more of my life. I might have exaggerated some stuff, but I couldn't be bothered.

I'm sorry your going through this, it's extremely frustrating when you've tried everything you can think of to get better and nothing works, things only get worse,
I'm in the same situation so I understand you. Evertimee I tried something to get better, I said ok this time it's going to work and my situation will improve, only to be disappointed again…..
Hope can be a terrible thing.

 

[OpenToAnotherWay]

I am brand new to this forum and can relate so much to all of this and am curious if you've ever been diagnosed with or researched covert narcissism?

Just recently I've had the shocking and immensely sobering realization that I am very likely a covert narcissist and that is why I have always struggled so much emotionally and have never been able to maintain long term healthy habits and successful endeavours.

The tendency towards victimhood is a very strong gravitational pull for some people.

 

[Sylveon]

I am brand new to this forum and can relate so much to all of this and am curious if you've ever been diagnosed with or researched covert narcissism?

Just recently I've had the shocking and immensely sobering realization that I am very likely a covert narcissist and that is why I have always struggled so much emotionally and have never been able to maintain long term healthy habits and successful endeavours.

I had never heard of that term until today, but reading about it now, I feel like it hits the nail on the head.

The tendency towards victimhood is a very strong gravitational pull for some people.

It really is for people such as myself; I even remember making a post about the same just a few months ago.

 

[cherry7]

I'm sorry your going through this, it's extremely frustrating when you've tried everything you can think of to get better and nothing works, things only get worse,
I'm in the same situation so I understand you. Evertimee I tried something to get better, I said ok this time it's going to work and my situation will improve, only to be disappointed again…..
Hope can be a terrible thing.

Yes same for me. Same about hope.

I don't know what my incentive is to keep dragging on. I tried everything I think I possibly could have, right from the academics: I went from scoring in single digits in my entrances to being in the top 6 or so percent of my country (not trying to brag, it's nowhere near as cool as it sounds), completely cut off social media, got rid of my binge eating habit completely, tried taking better care of my body, from my ugly face to fitness, learned how to drive (not four-wheelers, but better than nothing, I'd say), tried getting back into video games and art, and what not.

The point is, I put in so much effort just to live normally, and it honestly landed me nowhere. I feel like I'm even worse off than I was before. At least back when I used to waste my days playing video games, I could easily subside these feelings as per my will, but that privilege is long gone. I can't believe it's been three years since even that.

People around me don't have to put in half as much effort; they aren't afraid of social situations; can talk normally without being awkward or coming off as pahtetic or desperate; are actually decent-looking; have friends who actually prefer them; don't make a fuss over the pettiest of stuff; and somehow manage to keep their heads up at all times. Why don't I get any of this? All that effort just to still end up at square one—why should I keep going? I don't even wanna leave my room anymore, but who am I kidding? I'll just be told the same old "everyone does it, so you'll have to as well," "stop using your phone," "just find a hobby," "we have high hopes for you," "you gotta do this, you gotta do that," "just man up..." I'm done with all this.

Thanks to God in the past week for reminding me how I have never been and how I will never be someone's first choice. I'm through... I genuinely wanna carve something insane on my skin so that people will leave me alone forever. I may as well commit to being a freak physically too; maybe then I'll never have to deal with life again, as long as I'm still alive.

Here I am, sitting in my bathroom at 4 a.m., wasting even more of my life. I might have exaggerated some stuff, but I couldn't be bothered.

I totally and completely feel you. And relate.

 

[cherry7]

I don't know what my incentive is to keep dragging on. I tried everything I think I possibly could have, right from the academics: I went from scoring in single digits in my entrances to being in the top 6 or so percent of my country (not trying to brag, it's nowhere near as cool as it sounds), completely cut off social media, got rid of my binge eating habit completely, tried taking better care of my body, from my ugly face to fitness, learned how to drive (not four-wheelers, but better than nothing, I'd say), tried getting back into video games and art, and what not.

The point is, I put in so much effort just to live normally, and it honestly landed me nowhere. I feel like I'm even worse off than I was before. At least back when I used to waste my days playing video games, I could easily subside these feelings as per my will, but that privilege is long gone. I can't believe it's been three years since even that.

People around me don't have to put in half as much effort; they aren't afraid of social situations; can talk normally without being awkward or coming off as pahtetic or desperate; are actually decent-looking; have friends who actually prefer them; don't make a fuss over the pettiest of stuff; and somehow manage to keep their heads up at all times. Why don't I get any of this? All that effort just to still end up at square one—why should I keep going? I don't even wanna leave my room anymore, but who am I kidding? I'll just be told the same old "everyone does it, so you'll have to as well," "stop using your phone," "just find a hobby," "we have high hopes for you," "you gotta do this, you gotta do that," "just man up..." I'm done with all this.

Thanks to God in the past week for reminding me how I have never been and how I will never be someone's first choice. I'm through... I genuinely wanna carve something insane on my skin so that people will leave me alone forever. I may as well commit to being a freak physically too; maybe then I'll never have to deal with life again, as long as I'm still alive.

Here I am, sitting in my bathroom at 4 a.m., wasting even more of my life. I might have exaggerated some stuff, but I couldn't be bothered.

I ask myself the same. Why do I keep dragging on...sigh

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

Life is a lottery that we got losing tickets for.

 

[vadim]

When I was at my lowest point in terms of life circumstances (never leaving my room, going months without socialisation, failing college, day drinking), I was comforted by the notion that things would be okay once I finally found the motivation to try.

Now I wish I would have just drank myself to death instead. The longer I go attempting as best I can to work hard, make friends and try new things, and seeing no results while experiencing continuous failure and rejection, the more I lose hope that I'll ever feel like I belong in the world. My best is not enough, I have to give 110% of my effort to still fail at everything I do. I feel worse than ever now.

 

[BlockHammer]

Man im feel sorry for you, i know how it feels when your effort doesn't get rewarded that much, honestly i do feel the same, i graduate from my univ 2 years ago but i haven't got a single job, i tried to improve myself by learning new things like coding and also a new language while waiting for an opportunity but it get me nowhere till this day, giving up isn't a choice for me either because giving up would just make me suffer more and it certainly doesn't improved my life, which is why i'm choosing suicide, but now i still want to fight

 

[Forever Sleep]

I really feel like this too. Looking back, I've done all sorts to try and turn things around. Moved all over the country for jobs, gone back to uni in my late 20's, tried regular jobs, tried Head of Department jobs, tried freelance. Tried being healthy, self help books, a more balnced life, a life committed to work.

The shittiest thing I find is that I still feel this pressure that I didn't try hard enough. I guess that comes from parents. But, it's really been getting to me the past year. Like- why am I doing all this? Why am I putting myself through all this? All for the sake of other people basically. So I don't end up a burden on my parents. When, they landed me with all these problems to begin with. I just find it ironic really.

I try to exercise every day because I find it does help me overall but, I hate it! It's just stuff like that that pisses me off about life. Like- yes- it's still a choice. I could just not do it. I could stop working but, the consequences are terrible. It doesn't feel like much of a choice when the consequences of not doing something are so bad.

I sympathise with the binge eating thing too. It's something I really used to struggle with.

 

[Sylveon]

Man im feel sorry for you, i know how it feels when your effort doesn't get rewarded that much, honestly i do feel the same, i graduate from my univ 2 years ago but i haven't got a single job, i tried to improve myself by learning new things like coding and also a new language while waiting for an opportunity but it get me nowhere till this day, giving up isn't a choice for me either because giving up would just make me suffer more and it certainly doesn't improved my life, which is why i'm choosing suicide, but now i still want to fight

Are you from India? Unfortunately, the job market here isn't too great for CS grads right now, or engineering as a whole, though I really hope you manage to sort stuff out; take care.

The shittiest thing I find is that I still feel this pressure that I didn't try hard enough. I guess that comes from parents. But, it's really been getting to me the past year. Like- why am I doing all this? Why am I putting myself through all this? All for the sake of other people basically. So I don't end up a burden on my parents. When, they landed me with all these problems to begin with. I just find it ironic really.

I feel this; whenever I think of giving up all together, I feel as if I should try once more, and then it just ends up becoming a cycle of retrying and failing along with everything that comes with it. It feels easier to just call it a day and never have to think about anything again, even though that isn't really an option at this point.