Venting i don't feel human anymore. (tw for self-harm mention)

[VIBRITANNIA]

i don't know when exactly i started to feel this way, but i've just been feeling... empty. that's not quite the word i'm looking for, but it's close enough.

i can play pretend at being a person. i can go out with my "loved ones", laugh and joke around, but at the end of the day there's always a void inside of me. things like restaurants and parks only give me a temporary distraction that can't even be called "joy".

and when i do feel joy, it's from "bad" things, like hurting myself, or imagining what my death will be like. or, even worse, it's from stupid things, like anime, manga, and candy. meaningless things make me happy, for some reason, while meaningful things, like "close friendships" and "family" just make me want to die even more.

i don't even know if i want to be human at this point. and even if i did, do i deserve the right to be called human?

 

[GrumpyFrog]

Well, I don't have any close friendships, and after a couple of seriously messed up situations involving my "friends" I am not sure I am even capable of developing the level of trust and compassion that is needed for a close friendship. And the only genuine emotion I feel towards my family is annoyance, if tomorrow they decide to get together and all go colonize Mars or something, and I'll never hear from them again it will be a relief. I also don't have any long-term goals and don't believe in meaningful values. Let's extend your logic to other people - would you tell me I am not human?
I noticed that people that are depressed often apply separate, unrealistically high standards to themselves and end up judging themselves really harshly. It happens to me too. But it really helps to be objective, to step out of the situation and ask yourself "would I apply the same negative judgement if it wasn't me but some other person?". Would you judge another person for enjoying "bad" or "meaningless" things? Would you tell them they no longer qualify to be called a person at all if that's all they like?

I don't know details of your situation, but it seems to me that there are two options, possibly overlapping. Option 1 is that you are just depressed, and depressed people often experience anhedonia - inability to enjoy things they once enjoyed. And option 2 is that your close friends and family actually don't act in a way that could've made you feel good, they are only doing things that upset you or things you aren't really interested in. Not necessary maliciously, maybe they just don't understand how you feel. Either way, it is not your fault you don't feel happy around them and it doesn't mean you're any less human.

Take care

 

[VIBRITANNIA]

Well, I don't have any close friendships, and after a couple of seriously messed up situations involving my "friends" I am not sure I am even capable of developing the level of trust and compassion that is needed for a close friendship. And the only genuine emotion I feel towards my family is annoyance, if tomorrow they decide to get together and all go colonize Mars or something, and I'll never hear from them again it will be a relief. I also don't have any long-term goals and don't believe in meaningful values. Let's extend your logic to other people - would you tell me I am not human?
I noticed that people that are depressed often apply separate, unrealistically high standards to themselves and end up judging themselves really harshly. It happens to me too. But it really helps to be objective, to step out of the situation and ask yourself "would I apply the same negative judgement if it wasn't me but some other person?". Would you judge another person for enjoying "bad" or "meaningless" things? Would you tell them they no longer qualify to be called a person at all if that's all they like?

I don't know details of your situation, but it seems to me that there are two options, possibly overlapping. Option 1 is that you are just depressed, and depressed people often experience anhedonia - inability to enjoy things they once enjoyed. And option 2 is that your close friends and family actually don't act in a way that could've made you feel good, they are only doing things that upset you or things you aren't really interested in. Not necessary maliciously, maybe they just don't understand how you feel. Either way, it is not your fault you don't feel happy around them and it doesn't mean you're any less human.

Take care

thank you for your kind words and advice. remember to take care of yourself too.

 

[TheSkyIsBlue]

I'm in a similar spot. I put a mask on me every day when I'm around other people. I also get joy only from things like you, but it's still not much.
Do you know the book "No Longer Human?"

 

[BitterlyAlive]

can play pretend at being a person. i can go out with my "loved ones", laugh and joke around, but at the end of the day there's always a void inside of me. things like restaurants and parks only give me a temporary distraction that can't even be called "joy".

and when i do feel joy, it's from "bad" things, like hurting myself, or imagining what my death will be like. or, even worse, it's from stupid things, like anime, manga, and candy. meaningless things make me happy, for some reason, while meaningful things, like "close friendships" and "family" just make me want to die even more.

This is exactly how I've felt for years. My parents say they refuse to believe I've been faking joy for all of this time, but it's true. It's easy to put on the mask, assuming you have the energy to do so. I can look happy and fulfilled, but I feel empty inside. I feel cold, lonely, miserable.

And, like you, the only things that seem to help are bad things. Cutting and video games are the only things that seem to do anything, and that's probably just because for me they're dissociative activities. Actual meaningful things like being with friends, family, babies, my job? Nope. If anything I feel worse.

It's a very frustrating and lonely place to be in, but you're not alone in this.

i don't even know if i want to be human at this point. and even if i did, do i deserve the right to be called human?

This really resonates with me. It reminds me of some lyrics from Pearl Jam:

Is something wrong? she said

Well, of course, there is
You're still alive, she said
Oh, and do I deserve to be?
Is that the question?

And if so, if so, who answers? who answers?

 

[drowningcarcass]

I feel this way as well. I have for a very, very long time. The only reason I am still here is because I have clung to things, even if they are "stupid" - anything that makes you feel even just a smidge better is not stupid in any way. I'm being genuine. I stayed to see another season of my favorite show come out. I stayed because I wanted it to get warmer, so I could go swimming. I stayed because I wanted to try out this new game before I went. And it helps shuffle you into the direction of feeling more like a person on the inside, baby steps. I have stayed so long by setting things in the near future to look to, planning to go out and get myself a soda on this day of the week, deciding to dedicate this day to playing games and so forth. It's an incentive for sure. I hope that the things that keep you going get bigger and bigger, and eventually the suicidal feelings are just guests instead of roommates.

 

[Smellanie]

So so sorry about what you're going through. speaking of anime, there's a book about suicide called "no longer human". Its recently becoming a manga by junji ito (amazing horror artist, check him out) that I think could be an interesting read. Sorry I didn't have anything profound to say lol.

 

[VIBRITANNIA]

I'm in a similar spot. I put a mask on me every day when I'm around other people. I also get joy only from things like you, but it's still not much.
Do you know the book "No Longer Human?"

So so sorry about what you're going through. speaking of anime, there's a book about suicide called "no longer human". Its recently becoming a manga by junji ito (amazing horror artist, check him out) that I think could be an interesting read. Sorry I didn't have anything profound to say lol.

yes, i have heard of the book, thank you both for bringing it up! i've seen the first four episodes of aoi bungaku, which are an adaption of the novel, and i've read furuya usamaru's manga adaption. i'm planning to save up for the book.

 

[foxdie]

I've been wearing a mask for so long mon ami, I feel you. You do deserve to feel human because you are. You deserve so much more. Sending love

 

[Smellanie]

yes, i have heard of the book, thank you both for bringing it up! i've seen the first four episodes of aoi bungaku, which are an adaption of the novel, and i've read furuya usamaru's manga adaption. i'm planning to save up for the book.

Oh oops that's what I get for not reading the entire thread. But again I really hope you are able to find happiness. Everyone here deserves it.

 

[Ybother]

i don't know when exactly i started to feel this way, but i've just been feeling... empty. that's not quite the word i'm looking for, but it's close enough.

i can play pretend at being a person. i can go out with my "loved ones", laugh and joke around, but at the end of the day there's always a void inside of me. things like restaurants and parks only give me a temporary distraction that can't even be called "joy".

and when i do feel joy, it's from "bad" things, like hurting myself, or imagining what my death will be like. or, even worse, it's from stupid things, like anime, manga, and candy. meaningless things make me happy, for some reason, while meaningful things, like "close friendships" and "family" just make me want to die even more.

i don't even know if i want to be human at this point. and even if i did, do i deserve the right to be called human?

There's nothing wrong with enjoying those things. You need all the happiness and satisfaction you can get. It sucks when life starts feeling like you're going through the motions. I know what that's like. Just get as many thrills as you can before you are completely jaded.

 

[Silenos]

i don't even know if i want to be human at this point. and even if i did, do i deserve the right to be called human?

Oh my god I know exactly what you mean.
Here's a post I made about it in another thread:

Oh I am definitely out of place here. Despite not doing too bad throughout my life when it came to friends and relationships, I never felt like I *actually* fit in. I was always studying and copying social behaviour from others, but felt like a fraud doing it. An alien in human skin.

I still observe and question every social interaction after thirty years on this planet, and I'm still weirded out by most of them. Not being able to understand other humans and their motivations has made me very cynical over the years and I've reached the point where it's one of my major motivations to end my life.

 

[Niirvana]

I feel like Kafka's cockroach