Venting I don't feel anything

[highjumping]

The last days have been nothing but a constant up and down, I was talking to a guy and felt happy and seen for some time, now he doesn't respond anymore and I feel alone again. I've been trying my best to distract myself but my head is full of dark clouds telling me to just do it, commit ctb or at least relapse, maybe then people will see that you're still not okay. Sleeping has been hard, everything has been, school starts on monday again and the thought of it makes me sick, I just want to go. Either someone will love me or I will ctb soon, there is no other choice, I wish to be gone, my brain is eating me alive, I just want to slam my head against a wall until it all stops, make it stop, please. Nobody really cares about me or my feelings, the people I was once so close to are gone, dead or just hate me, nobody would notice if I just died one day. I'm so tired. I feel nothing but sadness and anger, the rest of the day i am just a walking corpse, I am dead already. I died years ago during one of my attempts but my body survived. I hate it here so much I can't feel happiness anymore, nothing I do is worth anything, I'm ready to die, just take me away, please.
Sometimes I wish I would get a serious illness so that it will be the one who kills me and I don't have to do this shit all by myself.
I know I am selfish.
I miss you A.

 

[The anhedonic one]

I'm so sorry you are going through this.
Loneliness is a soul-crushing feeling and splits our hearts in two.
We are forced to endure this harrowing feeling while trying to survive in a hostile, unforgiving world.
This existence is hell to be sure.

 

[highjumping]

I'm so sorry you are going through this.
Loneliness is a soul-crushing feeling and splits our hearts in two.
We are forced to endure this harrowing feeling while trying to survive in a hostile, unforgiving world.
This existence is hell to be sure.

I just want to leave, I hurt so badly

 

[Praestat_Mori]

You are certainly not selfish! I'm sorry that you have to go through this. Loneliness can be so painful. I wish for a peaceful death every evening when I go to sleep as well, to be reliefed peacefully without having to do it myself, how can that be selfish? Unfortunately it's so incredibly difficult to leave this world. I wish you all the best!

 

[FuneralCry]

I certainly understand that it's awful feeling trapped in an existence that you hate, it really should be easier to finally leave this world and I hate how suicide is this difficult. But anyway I wish you the best, it's really understandable just wishing to be gone, existing certainly is something so dreadful and it's true that there's no real relief from suffering in this world.