I don't even really want to die

[ketopia]

I want to live, just not as myself. I'm so sick of myself and how hard everything is for me. I make natural things feel awkward and painful. Things people wouldn't think twice about, I dwell on and stress about for weeks at a time. Places and things that are supposed to be fun and good, I make them awful. It's not fair. I suck the joy and fun out of everything. I'm like if your kidneys and liver swapped what they were supposed to filter. How long would you survive if your body was only fed toxins and waste and all the nutrients were pissed out? That's how my life experience feels. I'm broken in just the right way that makes everything horrible.

I'm catching the bus tomorrow night.

 

[ElTopo]

I want to live, just not as myself. I'm so sick of myself and how hard everything is for me. I make natural things feel awkward and painful. Things people wouldn't think twice about, I dwell on and stress about for weeks at a time. Places and things that are supposed to be fun and good, I make them awful. It's not fair. I suck the joy and fun out of everything. I'm like if your kidneys and liver swapped what they were supposed to filter. How long would you survive if your body was only fed toxins and waste and all the nutrients were pissed out? That's how my life experience feels. I'm broken in just the right way that makes everything horrible.

I'm catching the bus tomorrow night.

It's kinda hard to understand what you mean, what kind of things are painful to you?

You really shouldn't be going through with it if you have opposing thoughts.

 

[ketopia]

It's kinda hard to understand what you mean, what kind of things are painful to you?

You really shouldn't be going through with it if you have opposing thoughts.

Really truly everything. Holidays make me feel depressed and like im missing out on life. Group gatherings are my nightmare, I feel like I am never comfortable no matter how close I am to the people I'm with. Even my best friends family I feel so out of place with them. I can't handle a job because I get so stressed out. I can't make phone calls. I can't meet new people. I'm undiagnosed autistic and even if I wasn't im very stupid. I can't handle the hard parts of life, and even the parts that are supposed to be fun and easy I struggle with. I wouldn't be able to enjoy a vacation I'd be too anxious the whole time. Unsure where to go, how to talk to people, what to do with my hands. How to act. How to react. I just feel like it's not this hard for everyone else

 

[ElTopo]

Really truly everything. Holidays make me feel depressed and like im missing out on life. Group gatherings are my nightmare, I feel like I am never comfortable no matter how close I am to the people I'm with. Even my best friends family I feel so out of place with them. I can't handle a job because I get so stressed out. I can't make phone calls. I can't meet new people. I'm undiagnosed autistic and even if I wasn't im very stupid. I can't handle the hard parts of life, and even the parts that are supposed to be fun and easy I struggle with. I wouldn't be able to enjoy a vacation I'd be too anxious the whole time. Unsure where to go, how to talk to people, what to do with my hands. How to act. How to react. I just feel like it's not this hard for everyone else

You sound like me a few years ago, I assure you the fear can go away, and what you feel is perfectly relatable.
And then again why do you think you're stupid? You're obviously scared and anxious, maybe if you could take that fear away it could bring about the better you.

You honestly shouldn't go through with this if you haven't made your mind up in a serious way, I don't mean to invalidate but don't be hasty, doing things out of fear is never good.

 

[dontaskmewhatithink]

I also often fantasise about living life as someone else. Oddly, it feels like everyone else is just somehow better, like they have it easier, like they're sound mentally. Of course it's not true, so I'll tell you what I tell myself: you're probably luckier than a lot of other people in ways you might not realise.

 

[ketopia]

You sound like me a few years ago, I assure you the fear can go away, and what you feel is perfectly relatable.
And then again why do you think you're stupid? You're obviously scared and anxious, maybe if you could take that fear away it could bring about the better you.

You honestly shouldn't go through with this if you haven't made your mind up in a serious way, I don't mean to invalidate but don't be hasty, doing things out of fear is never good.

No offense taken. I've put a lot of thought and planning into this and it will be my second attempt after surviving my first and spending days in the ice and then 2 weeks in in patient facility