hi, i'm new to this forum. if i'm being so honest i found this place through a youtube video but I liked the community enough to stick around. also have a bit of si (if i'm using that correctly?) which is also why i'm here, to keep things simple.
i'm 19. i don't really have friends. i used to and i think that's what made me a lot more depressed, having something then not having them anymore. the last good friend i had i ended up pushing away to the point where we 'broke up', which still literally keeps me up at night sometimes. it was my fault, im terrible with texting and sometimes dont reply for days at a time, so that was on me. thinking about it now, i lost most of my real friends by doing that, and the rest weren't really friends more so just people to talk to during school. my depression started in 7th grade, followed me like a shadow up until junior year, when my brother died to what i believe was a drug overdose. i say i believe because i was never let in on the autopsy report, and 2 years later I guess i've already made peace with this conclusion.
anyway, junior year. i was already a kinda shitty student, and when my brother died, i became so much worse. i skipped more, had to take those remedial classes, so on and so forth. that followed into my senior yr, and i nearly lost the ability to graduate. because i was barely there, the kinda friends i had practically disappeared, talked trash about me, and planned to kick me out of a club i was a leader in which makes sense, i was hardly there. i also met my current boyfriend.
i learned that im something of a liar after having hid that i applied to a college without him (why i lied about that, i don't know) amongst other school related things. i lie because im afraid he'll be upset and leave me, and I already don't have anyone else. it took me a while to realize this, which of course, adds to my list of reasons i'm sad or something. nowadays we are always arguing and i let him get away with being too possessive, hurting my feelings, treating me all sorts of ways, because i have no self respect and i have no one else. i also haven't made friends in college, surprise surprise, because im not on campus long enough to make them. its home, school, maybe hang out with the bf, and home again. i know i should be lucky to have a boyfriend if anyone at all, and while he does give me some sense of happiness, i feel like my mental state has only gotten worse. i constantly feel like a terrible person, and in ways, i know i am, and i shouldn't be in a relationship considering that, but i feel like if i lose this last bit of normalcy in my life ill actually ctb (again, i hope i used that correctly). the only person who cares for me and loves me unconditionally is my mother, who im lucky to have, and at the same time brings me crazy amount of guilt for thinking about ctb.
i like this anonymity thing- it makes it easier to talk about myself. i honestly never learned to talk about my feelings, any time i try i burst out crying. that's why i never tried therapy, if you couldn't already tell. tonight, instead of sh like i usually resort to, i decided to finally talk about myself and my feelings, albeit to people who never knew i existed before this post. i think that's pretty good, at least for me. thanks for listening. ₍^. .^₎⟆
i'm 19. i don't really have friends. i used to and i think that's what made me a lot more depressed, having something then not having them anymore. the last good friend i had i ended up pushing away to the point where we 'broke up', which still literally keeps me up at night sometimes. it was my fault, im terrible with texting and sometimes dont reply for days at a time, so that was on me. thinking about it now, i lost most of my real friends by doing that, and the rest weren't really friends more so just people to talk to during school. my depression started in 7th grade, followed me like a shadow up until junior year, when my brother died to what i believe was a drug overdose. i say i believe because i was never let in on the autopsy report, and 2 years later I guess i've already made peace with this conclusion.
anyway, junior year. i was already a kinda shitty student, and when my brother died, i became so much worse. i skipped more, had to take those remedial classes, so on and so forth. that followed into my senior yr, and i nearly lost the ability to graduate. because i was barely there, the kinda friends i had practically disappeared, talked trash about me, and planned to kick me out of a club i was a leader in which makes sense, i was hardly there. i also met my current boyfriend.
i learned that im something of a liar after having hid that i applied to a college without him (why i lied about that, i don't know) amongst other school related things. i lie because im afraid he'll be upset and leave me, and I already don't have anyone else. it took me a while to realize this, which of course, adds to my list of reasons i'm sad or something. nowadays we are always arguing and i let him get away with being too possessive, hurting my feelings, treating me all sorts of ways, because i have no self respect and i have no one else. i also haven't made friends in college, surprise surprise, because im not on campus long enough to make them. its home, school, maybe hang out with the bf, and home again. i know i should be lucky to have a boyfriend if anyone at all, and while he does give me some sense of happiness, i feel like my mental state has only gotten worse. i constantly feel like a terrible person, and in ways, i know i am, and i shouldn't be in a relationship considering that, but i feel like if i lose this last bit of normalcy in my life ill actually ctb (again, i hope i used that correctly). the only person who cares for me and loves me unconditionally is my mother, who im lucky to have, and at the same time brings me crazy amount of guilt for thinking about ctb.
i like this anonymity thing- it makes it easier to talk about myself. i honestly never learned to talk about my feelings, any time i try i burst out crying. that's why i never tried therapy, if you couldn't already tell. tonight, instead of sh like i usually resort to, i decided to finally talk about myself and my feelings, albeit to people who never knew i existed before this post. i think that's pretty good, at least for me. thanks for listening. ₍^. .^₎⟆
