Venting I don't even know anymore

[HappySisyphus]

This is my first post here and I guess I just need to vent a bit, English is not my first language so sorry if something is confunsing.
Every single day I think about killing myself, I almost never even begin to go through with it, but I'm tired that this is my life now, just crying myself to sleep every night and wanting to kill myself, until at some point I guess I wouldn't be able to take anymore and just do it, the only moments I am not feeling like this is when I am distracted, but the first moment I stop distracting myself all of these feelings come back, I have been feeling like this for 10 months now, it will be a year around my birthday, that's around the time all of these feeling started.
I feel like no one even cares about me anymore, I told one of my friends that I wanted to kill myself every single day and she just didn't respond, she just posted stories and after that just sent me a fucking reel like nothing even happened.
I already wrote a preventive suicide letter and told a friend where to find it if I die, I know myself enough to know that if I actually end up killing myself it will most likely be impulsive rather than planned, and given that I need to have the letter ready before I actually consider killing myself, I update it from time to time, everytime I think I should add something to it,
This is all a bit over the place but I just need to get all this stuff out of my mind

 

[Octavia]

I'm sorry you're going through so much. One of the nice things about this place is that it is the perfect place to vent, so don't worry about people judging you.

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be tiring having to suffer like that, I find it so cruel how people suffer all through no fault of their own, I just think that most other people are too self centred to ever care. But anyway best wishes.