RottenMutt
Violent schizo
- Oct 13, 2024
- 7
i have hurt people. a lot of people. physically and mentally. i don't feel bad about any of it. i try to feel bad, but i can't. objectively i know what i've done is wrong, but i feel nothing. i have to fake apologies so i'm not seen as more of a monster than i already am. but i just don't care. i've had times where i was venting to people about what i've done in designated venting areas, and had immediately been shunned from the communities. i faked guilt and remorse as much as i could but they still hate me. i don't want to die because i'm a monster, i want to die because i'm scared of prison. i can control my actions most of the time, and i have morals. but i have regular periods of psychosis where i get so delusional i can't control what i do anymore, i feel genuinely possessed. i get extremely violent. if i can't find any treatment for my schizoaffective disorder, i'm going to need to ctb to avoid prison. i'm in weekly therapy. i'm taking 10 (prescribed) medications every day. it does lessen the length of the episodes, but they aren't gone. every 1-2 months i have an episode that lasts about a week. even in between those episodes i still deal with mild hallucinations. i don't want to go to prison. but it seems inevitable if i am to continue to live like this. i suppose death is my only other option.
