Venting I don't belong

[hate_myself]

For as long as i can remember, I've always had myself to deal with my depression. I've never had anyone who was interested in helping me or moreover tried to talk to me, even my closest family don't know.
I once tried talking to a friend who told me "don't be depressive man" as if i was ruining his mood, I learned that people dont want to hear me and that's fine, i've always had myself, dealt with it myself, be alone with myself and existed just with myself.
The same self that if it had a human form i'd choke it until it stopped moving, i've always been unheard, unseen, unloved and uncared for.
It's depressing really, i honestly dont feel that im ugly, or have a bad personality, i feel like a fairly reasonable person... average enough that some people would think i have at least a friend circle, yet that same me feels like a jigsaw puzzle that has an extra piece.
It's a piece that doesn't fit, so no one tries to make space for it, that piece has tried many many times to acomodate to the other pieces.
The piece has genuinly tried to fit in, and analized if it had any problems... but no matter how you try the piece doesn't fit.
I genuinly have tried yet at this age (19) i feel completely alone, hollow, to the point even masturbating doesn't feel good. No hobbie brings me joy or emotion.
People tell eachother how it get's better, or how other chances might show themselves, but the oposite is true, and much more possible. I wasn't born the protagonist of a manga or story in which i will find a cute girl or a group of friends out of nowhere, i was just born myself.

english is a second languaje to me so i don't know if i conveyed it properly but I just wanna die like I lived. Unheard, unseen, unloved and uncared for.

 

[TheSuicidalEccentric]

I feel this way, too. Maybe I'll die today. It is leap day, after all

 

[hunthunt]

Life is dull as fuck, its boring and nothing happens until something good or bad happens that lasts a very small amount of time and then it comes back to being boring.

You dont need no one to help you with your depression mate, if you really want to get out of there start by doing stuff by yourself, go out and do some joggin, paint, do music, writte, watch movies, whatever makes you feel like you are trascending and using your time.

You will.be fine if you want, if you dont want, well in this forum we can help you.

 

[TheSuicidalEccentric]

Fuck my life

 

[jgm63]

Sorry to hear your struggles.
Are you sure that you couldn't speak to anyone in your family ?
Would you not consider trying any type of therapy ?

 

[Suez]

For as long as i can remember, I've always had myself to deal with my depression. I've never had anyone who was interested in helping me or moreover tried to talk to me, even my closest family don't know.
I once tried talking to a friend who told me "don't be depressive man" as if i was ruining his mood, I learned that people dont want to hear me and that's fine, i've always had myself, dealt with it myself, be alone with myself and existed just with myself.
The same self that if it had a human form i'd choke it until it stopped moving, i've always been unheard, unseen, unloved and uncared for.
It's depressing really, i honestly dont feel that im ugly, or have a bad personality, i feel like a fairly reasonable person... average enough that some people would think i have at least a friend circle, yet that same me feels like a jigsaw puzzle that has an extra piece.
It's a piece that doesn't fit, so no one tries to make space for it, that piece has tried many many times to acomodate to the other pieces.
The piece has genuinly tried to fit in, and analized if it had any problems... but no matter how you try the piece doesn't fit.
I genuinly have tried yet at this age (19) i feel completely alone, hollow, to the point even masturbating doesn't feel good. No hobbie brings me joy or emotion.
People tell eachother how it get's better, or how other chances might show themselves, but the oposite is true, and much more possible. I wasn't born the protagonist of a manga or story in which i will find a cute girl or a group of friends out of nowhere, i was just born myself.

english is a second languaje to me so i don't know if i conveyed it properly but I just wanna die like I lived. Unheard, unseen, unloved and uncared for.

English is a second language??? Your kidding? As i was reading i thought what an eliquent speaker. Truly. You speak almost poetically, its beautiful. Its very hard for me to think this English is a second language for you. That aside, man you have a sad soul. I really felt for you, "unheard, unseen, unloved&uncared for" Well today you have been heard. I HEARD YOU. Please dont give up. I dont mean this to come out wrong, but your sooooo young. There are so many years of possibilities out there ahead, believe me. Ive suffered with sever depression possibly my entire life Im 48yrs. From the moment i was diagnosed with schizophrenia at 8yrs my life have been one series of traumas after another. I tried to cut my throat at the age of 9yrs because i thought i was evil. If you can imagine every type of trauma a person could experience, Ive been through it. A child sex ring, heroin addiction (im still on methadone), incarceration in psychiatric hospitals and years in prison, several rapes and the death of several friends & family. I have no-one left now. But i can truly tell you that despite that, my relationship with my mum was what saved me. Unconditional love by my mum. I would not have given that up for anything. I looked after her with terminal cancer, she died recently. Please believe me that there is something/someone out there for you that when you discover it will be so worth living for, but you need to give life a chance.

 

[popo]

You're in the right community now and we're all your friends even though we'll probably won't ever meet each other IRL.

Honestly, making new friends is a pretty hard thing to do but it's still doable. Just find people with similar minded interests, like how you're doing now ;).

 

[hate_myself]

Life is dull as fuck, its boring and nothing happens until something good or bad happens that lasts a very small amount of time and then it comes back to being boring.

You dont need no one to help you with your depression mate, if you really want to get out of there start by doing stuff by yourself, go out and do some joggin, paint, do music, writte, watch movies, whatever makes you

I know i don't, I subconciously try to beat it myself, there's a point where hobbies and other things become stale. There's a point where time stops and you realize the clock ticking.... no sound from family or anyone, just you and your room with a talent you've cultivated to escape the thoughts telling you to kill yourself every second.
At that point I ask myself who and why im really living for, it isn't for myself, who would love to live with depression.
It isnt for family or friends, they are not there nor want to even hear me, they just wanna hear the mask I put on being the "funny guy", they dont like it when the funny guy starts being serious.
It isn't for my hobbies, they just distract me from my thoughts.
And it isnt for a lover, never had one and think i never will, I know confidence is the key, yet i can only put on an act for so long.
I always come back from depression only to come at the stale point of getting it back again, each time harder and harder.... during the times I've gotten rid of it I think, dying seems better than this.

Sorry to hear your struggles.
Are you sure that you couldn't speak to anyone in your family ?
Would you not consider trying any type of therapy ?

I have had therapy... rn im not economically independant and i dont want to put more weight on my mother's wallet, so i fight it off by myself.
I feel like I'd be more of a parasite to her than I already am, so for me it's better to be suffering by myself screaming at a void than to trouble her.

 

[Mr2005]

Life is dull as fuck, its boring and nothing happens until something good or bad happens that lasts a very small amount of time and then it comes back to being boring.

You dont need no one to help you with your depression mate, if you really want to get out of there start by doing stuff by yourself, go out and do some joggin, paint, do music, writte, watch movies, whatever makes you feel like you are trascending and using your time.

You will.be fine if you want, if you dont want, well in this forum we can help you.

We've been spoilt. All this technology, all these screens. Whatever we want at our fingertips. I think people are burnt out. They certainly shouldn't be bored at 19.

 

[Largeletters]

I'm sorry you've had to go through all this. I've dealt with depression for years on end, I can't remember feeling happy for a significant amount of time.