justwant2sleep

justwant2sleep

Member
Jul 23, 2023
25
I've had many depressive episodes during the past 7 years. This one feels different, it might be the worst of them all. Firstly I have become sort of nocturnal. Maybe that's because sleeping all day = not having to interact with anyone or 'face the world'. I never know what day it is. The days don't mean anything anymore. I'm woken up, I take my meds, I go back to sleep. I wake up, I go back to sleep.
Then once my family goes to bed at night time I sit here alone in the silence. Sometimes I try putting in headphones and listening to music, which I used to enjoy so much, but not even music makes me feel anything anymore. I barely change my clothes. I don't brush my teeth anywhere near as often as I should. Showering takes too much effort so I usually just avoid it. I haven't been replying to calls or texts. I just can't bring myself to pick up the phone and write back. I think if I had one of those smart watches that counts how many steps are taken each day I would average about 30 steps at the moment. I basically only leave my bed to eat something or to use the bathroom. When I think about it, I actually don't remember the last time I left the house.
I swear each time I wake up I could burst into tears from the sadness and frustration that comes with realizing I am still alive in this hell. Not to mention the second I open my eyes that frustration becomes anger, and the urge to SH just grows and grows. I think that when I have been depressed previously I still had that one little drop of hope. The hope that had me believing maybe things would turn out okay for me some day, some how. Now that hope is completely gone. I really don't care for anything. I just spend the nights trying to find the energy to plan to CTB, even that feels so damn exhausting, despite me knowing it's all that is left for me now. Ugh. Sorry for another stupid rant.
 
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venin

venin

Text
Jul 28, 2023
757
I've had many depressive episodes during the past 7 years. This one feels different, it might be the worst of them all. Firstly I have become sort of nocturnal. Maybe that's because sleeping all day = not having to interact with anyone or 'face the world'. I never know what day it is. The days don't mean anything anymore. I'm woken up, I take my meds, I go back to sleep. I wake up, I go back to sleep.
Then once my family goes to bed at night time I sit here alone in the silence. Sometimes I try putting in headphones and listening to music, which I used to enjoy so much, but not even music makes me feel anything anymore. I barely change my clothes. I don't brush my teeth anywhere near as often as I should. Showering takes too much effort so I usually just avoid it. I haven't been replying to calls or texts. I just can't bring myself to pick up the phone and write back. I think if I had one of those smart watches that counts how many steps are taken each day I would average about 30 steps at the moment. I basically only leave my bed to eat something or to use the bathroom. When I think about it, I actually don't remember the last time I left the house.
I swear each time I wake up I could burst into tears from the sadness and frustration that comes with realizing I am still alive in this hell. Not to mention the second I open my eyes that frustration becomes anger, and the urge to SH just grows and grows. I think that when I have been depressed previously I still had that one little drop of hope. The hope that had me believing maybe things would turn out okay for me some day, some how. Now that hope is completely gone. I really don't care for anything. I just spend the nights trying to find the energy to plan to CTB, even that feels so damn exhausting, despite me knowing it's all that is left for me now. Ugh. Sorry for another stupid rant.
Been there… it's horrible. I hope you feel a little bit better. I myself am experiencing a major depression episode but I'm still minimally functional.
Hugs 🤗
 
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justwant2sleep

justwant2sleep

Member
Jul 23, 2023
25
Been there… it's horrible. I hope you feel a little bit better. I myself am experiencing a major depression episode but I'm still minimally functional.
Hugs 🤗
Thank you :) I'm sorry to hear you've been in a similar position, and that you're struggling at the moment as well. Sending hugs right back
 
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FuneralCry

FuneralCry

Just wanting some peace
Sep 24, 2020
38,856
It must be really dreadful having to suffer like that, existing here certainly can be so torturous. But anyway I wish you the best, I find it so horrible how leaving this world is purposely made so difficult.
 
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justwant2sleep

justwant2sleep

Member
Jul 23, 2023
25
It must be really dreadful having to suffer like that, existing here certainly can be so torturous. But anyway I wish you the best, I find it so horrible how leaving this world is purposely made so difficult.
I completely agree, and thank you :)
 
S

Spidsnoegenhat2

Member
Jul 16, 2023
43
When you just think it's not could be more worse, it will actually be worse. When you are depressed, your brain is not thinking rational. And could get you in more trouble than your have before, and you will be more depressed. It's an evil circle. I'm in it now. In the next 13 weeks I probably go to suicide. Can't take it anymore. I think it will be on a Saturday or Sunday. Because the lottery numbers been pick Saturday evening. Do I still believe it? Maybe a little. But I have some planing to do, but it's hard. I have work to do, so I nealy don't have that energy.
 
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アホペンギン

アホペンギン

Jul 10, 2023
2,199
I hope you feel better soon, i have been here a few times and it really sucks, i had no motivation to even get up sometimes, i'd just stay in bed despite the fact that i'd be starving due to not eating. I wish you the best, I hope you'll get out of this episode soon.
 
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GreenTree

Mage
Jun 1, 2020
568
That sounds just like me. Although I go outside for cigarettes. Its a truly awful existence.
 
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justwant2sleep

justwant2sleep

Member
Jul 23, 2023
25
I hope you feel better soon, i have been here a few times and it really sucks, i had no motivation to even get up sometimes, i'd just stay in bed despite the fact that i'd be starving due to not eating. I wish you the best, I hope you'll get out of this episode soon.
I'm sorry you've been in a similar place. Thank you so much for your kindness :)
 
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