Venting I didn’t do it

[lastch]

I had the perfect opportunity. No one was in the house and I won't get that for a long time, I may never get the perfect situation as I did last night. But I couldn't do it. I fasted, had everything ready, note written etc. Here I am lying in bed the next morning wishing I could go back in time and do it. I think I had pre SI mental issues that just wouldn't allow me to do it and I wasn't suicidal enough, yet here I am when I can't do it, suicidal as ever. I feel so trapped, like this pain will never end. I'm terrified I won't get another opportunity to do it before my birthday in June, which also happens to be the one year anniversary of me being sectioned and my life ruined. I'm lying here in floods of tears I'm in so much pain. I'm so angry at myself.

 

[octopusinu]

sorry about that, i was supposed to end it all in december last year, and i am unfortunately still here too. Don't loose hope, be patient and don't do anything rash.

 

[Forveleth]

So many people here have been where you are. Please do not beat yourself up over it. Killing yourself is hard, even if you feel ready for it. Your brain will do whatever it has to to keep itself alive.
Try to relax and get yourself back in a calm headspace. Take some time to think about what did not work this time and what you could do to improve your chances when the next opportunity presents itself.

 

[northevelyn]

There's always more time. I'm sorry you're hurting so much.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Don't be too hard to yourself! Dying by your own hand isn't easy! Y do you wanna die?

I had several perfect situations and chances to attempt to CTB but I took none of them although they were perfect and nobody would have disturbed for several days.

However, my situation improved over time - that doesn't mean CTB back then would have been the worst decision - CTB is always the last resort.

I'm sorry you have to go through this but don't be too hard to yourself! Dying isn't easy and it's even more difficult if there is the slightest piece of hope left inside you.

Feel free to discuss you experiences if you've not taken the chance:

Did you have THE Chance to CTB but you hesitated and regreted it not to have taken the chance?

Lately I had a nearly perfect chance carring out my CTB plan being 100% sure that nobody will be able to interfere. In the end I hesitated too much and now the chance is over for an indefinite amount of time and I regret it so much now. It kills and tortures me mentally.

sanctioned-suicide.net

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand finding it painful to exist, it's just so cruel and dreadful to me how there's all this suffering in existing. But anyway I wish you the best, I hope you find the relief you wish for.

 

[Linda]

A lot of people back out at the last moment. You aren't the first, and you won't be the last. Take a few days to get your thoughts together, then consider what your next step should be.