I did everything in life I was supposed to do...still failed. Anybody else?

[GoneGoneGone]

I feel the same way, however I also know myself enough to know that I wouldn't have been happy either had I done that in my twenties.I'm too anxious of a person I would have worried about my performance at school, my future, etc. In addition given my poor social skills question whether I would have actually enjoyed doing those things. Also for most of my twenties I was a lot more of a negative and cynical person than I am now so I doubt that would have helped either.

True. I'm very uptight and used to be a control freak, so I couldn't even fathom the idea of having a 2-3 month gap on my CV. I kept telling myself I need to do so many things, if I do not get a master's degree now in my 20s, then how would I manage it in my 30s? Same with working, if I didn't construct a fancy CV in my 20s, then what would I do in my 30s?

Buuuut... These were compounded by my father's fake promise of paying for my degrees. Had I known that he was lying all along and banking on me to get a super well paid job and pay for them myself, I would have probably chosen another path. Or had he actually paid and taken the burden off me, I wouldn't have lived trying to save every penny and have no social life, I might have been a bit more open to try out different career paths and actually enjoying my youth... All gone now, youth, mental health... Always making decisions for 'later', and now potentially not living out the 'later' part. Smh

 

[Bct]

Just read your thread, and I'm so sorry about your suffering. Currently I'm around mid-20s yet wondering if my condition would be similar to yours since I'm also anxious and have trust issues due to past traumas.

It became obvious to me that this world is based on luck only. Even those motivational speechs about entrepreneurship doesn't make sense to me anymore. "You have to persist", "Consistency is the key to success" and blah, blah, blah... Well, I strived for over 8 years, and yet here I am, 0 results.

Some people say you have to be hopeful about your future; I say hope is the problem, the more you have, more you suffer.

As a big believer of luck, I think efforts also have some part for success, but without getting the chance or good luck, it's basically pointless. I hate when people says something like "you can make your own luck" since effort can only give us so far.

 

[RileyTanaka]

Interesting you should say that. I am looking for technicial writing jobs right now. It's hard to find ones for biology that don't require medical or pharmaceutical experience, though. I am frustrated with this job search.

Maybe I'm way off base, but it seems like the key to you landing a position like this is networking. I know it's very hard to do, but perhaps you might want to reach out to someone who's already got the position you want and strike up conversation with them, pick their brain a bit. Maybe they can guide you on how to land these gigs when you don't have the conventional check boxes on your resume/cv. This is a cutthroat, competitive world, but ask enough people and someone is bound to take you under their wing.

 

[Meowkin]

One of the main reasons I can't take suicide off the table is that I have flushed my life down the toilet. And not by making bad choices like drinking and doing drugs and fucking around, committing crimes, lying, cheating, etc. I was a really REALLY good kid. Very well behaved, never got in trouble at school, got good grades, was nice to other kids (even though they treated me like shit), never did any drugs, never drank before age 21, didn't have sex until 24, did everything my parents said would give me a good life. I went to college and studied a STEM field during the early 2000s on scholarships when college was still affordable and so I don't have any student loans. I worked super hard. I was adventurous and bold, I always threw myself into everything I did. I went full on 100% and believed in myself. I have put in the late hours and the sleepless nights and squeezed every bit of skill and knowledge out of my brain. I have met deadlines and gone above and beyond for employers. Yet, so many careers have not worked out.

My folly is that I am emotionally sensitive. That was a thread that ran through everything, what made me socially unlikable and they don't tell you that job hunting and career building are 99% people skills. Nobody told me that I needed to look at the job market. And even if I did, the job market changes while you're IN school sometimes. And it's often too late to change tracks. I have a masters degree now, also in science, and am not qualified for any jobs.

I don't have any skills that people think are worth paying money for. I have no income yet I work 40+ hours a week. I am working on some entrepreneurial things that might someday lead to income, but they have not yet. So I bust my ass ... i keep going and doing. Will this end up the same way as everything else? Probably. I wish I wanted less. I wish I didn't dream big ever.

I have the rope ready and have practiced a bunch. I had my SN confiscated but I could get more I'm pretty sure. There's a portal out of this hell. I wanted something to work out so I could feel good about myself but nothing has. I played by the rules and still lost the game. I guess that happens sometimes. I think it's really cruel for therapists to convince people like me to take suicide off the table and commit to handling whatever comes my way. They don't know what it's like. They are a therapist -- they have a career. They have a purpose in the world. They have a title they can tell people. They have money to survive. How dare they tell me to stay here and suffer? They wouldn't last a day in my shoes.

I'm sorry. You've tried really hard and it's unfair that life and luck decided to keep kicking you for no other reason except that they can.