Venting "I developed a degrading kink out of self hatred"

[annoyed]

Note: These are not my original words, I took a thread from a reddit I was searching and decided to share because I want to know if anybody else goes through this and how they deal with it, but I feel these words very deeply and relate heavily so I wanted to share

TW: r**e, degradation, bodily harm

"I've never had attention from a man, I'm incredibly ugly and have basically no positive qualities. I've come to the conclusion I'm unlovable and have developed a degrading fetish. The only way I can get off is by imagining myself being raped, degraded or being physically beaten. I literally cannot be turned on by thoughts of being romantically or sexually wanted. It just feels too unrealistic. I'm ashamed of myself.

I don't think a man will ever love a woman like me, so I'd rather just accept the truth instead of lying to myself."

 

[cacowads]

I'm a guy, but I feel something similar although it's more so extreme bodily self destruction than SA or assault. I feel like I might as well use myself as a shooting range for a military squad, get beaten with a hammer by an addict or junkie.
Although I still have (stupidly enough) self preservation instincts. I think sometimes my impulsive thinking overrides those feelings leaving me open to being hurt really fucking bad

 

[whitetaildeer]

I relate, but for different reasons. I lost my late girlfriend to suicide and she did have a massive CNC/abduction/snuff/whatever-roughfucking-under-the-sun fetish, and now the only way I can get turned on now is by imagining her hurting me like she always wanted to do.

It's probably corny but that's how it is for me. I'm deeply ashamed of it; I don't really know why.

 

[eggsausagerice]

I've never had attention from a man, I'm incredibly ugly and have basically no positive qualities. I've come to the conclusion I'm unlovable and have developed a degrading fetish. The only way I can get off is by imagining myself being raped, degraded or being physically beaten. I literally cannot be turned on by thoughts of being romantically or sexually wanted. It just feels too unrealistic. I'm ashamed of myself.

I don't think a man will ever love a woman like me, so I'd rather just accept the truth instead of lying to myself

secretly, i've felt like this since high school. i've been SAed and groomed in the past, but i think my self hatred is the main reason i have a rape/degradation/snuff fetish. i've always wanted to be murdered and raped because i felt like that's the only way i could be genuinely loved by someone. i hate compliments. seriously. i don't believe people when they tell me i'm attractive, interesting, smart, or funny. i tell people a watered down version of what i like and say i like being degraded and choked because it's socially acceptable. but most guys are too safe, which i guess is fine since getting assaulted for real would be bad. i've always had these fantasies because of how deeply i've hated myself since i was born, since i was always seen as a burden by my parents as the youngest child. i feel like they've always thought that they could've avoided giving birth to me and had less work to do. the sense of worthlessness has followed me around for most of my life. i've always felt like they secretly wanted me to kill myself so i'm not a burden anymore. i've never really had an outlet for those feelings besides my fetish.

i hate myself a lot for being trans because i don't consider myself a real man, so most of my belief that no one would ever want to have sex with me unless they were SAing me stems from that. i do feel shame for having a degrading fetish because i feel like it appeals to misogynistic men that like to watch rape scenes in movies or snuff films. i kind of hate that i'm part of that group of gross weirdos by association. i have a hard time talking about my fetishes because i figure that most people won't really understand or won't be comfortable with hurting me or degrading me. i mostly wish that i could be understood by other people without having my low self esteem be fetishized.