BornofDust
Student
- Dec 11, 2020
- 132
I'll admit, this is a bit impulsive but at this point I don't care. Like I no longer care. I wish there was another way, I really do, but I really don't see any other option. I will never filled this deep void inside of me no matter how much I tried. A lot of people will(and have) told me that I should " appreciate being alive." and to " stop whining. " well to be honest screw those people. Yes I should be happy being alive as a empty, friendless, families loser who will never succeed in anything. They will also call me " weak." and that I have " no thick skin.". My eternal emptiness will always be with me and frankly I'm tired of living this existence. Waking up, especially today, is exhausting and slightly irritating. I feel empty, I can't feel any genuine joy, and I don't think I ever will. I'm alone in this world. Literally on my Birthday(today) I'm literally left alone in my house, like I am with everything else(other post will tell you the details). I will do so by partial hanging. I will make sure to practice my hanging(like I did last night.)
I've tried to recover for a couple of months, Meditation, Stoicism, productivity,, self parenting, etc. All of that progress went down the gutter in the last few weeks. Of course a lot of it is my fault. Now I'm smeared for good amongst other people. A part of me wish that their was a way, to not feel empty every day, to be able to work on it, to not be crying at your bed. For people to. I actually thought that their was a way out for me if I just do all of this, then everything will be alright, or at least tolerable.
Its seemly irrational for me to live, especially since life itself is inherently hostile, brutal, indifferent, cruel, vindictive, and hollow, and everyone is playing it like its some sort of game to be won. Well I'm tired of playing this game called life. Especially since there's no benefit for me in it anyway. The world is based on suffering and pain, and that doesn't seem to be changing anytime soon.
I'm apathetic about my birthday tbh, and about life in general. I really hope I don't hesitate to commit the deed(especially not with partial hanging) tonight. If I do(even though I want it to end tonight, there's a possibility I'll still be alive). I'm tired of being in a limbo and not committing to anything. I hope this isn't seemly attention attention seeking, I'm just exhausted internally. If I don't come back at some point in the next week(even if lurking) than I'm probably dead. I wish I was more resilient, but at this point I'm losing it.
Life is the process of dying as Arthur Schopenhauer would say, I can literally feel myself decaying(I mean I can feel my lung being damaged by too many soda's lol)so yeah, I will like to be dead by tonight. A part of me still feels that " hope." inside of me, hence my fear of hesitance and being a coward.
I will not be surprised if I'm dead tonight, I will also not be surprised if I decide to postpone it for whatever B.S excuse. Anyways this is a possible goodbye. I love all of you and I wish you all well.
I've tried to recover for a couple of months, Meditation, Stoicism, productivity,, self parenting, etc. All of that progress went down the gutter in the last few weeks. Of course a lot of it is my fault. Now I'm smeared for good amongst other people. A part of me wish that their was a way, to not feel empty every day, to be able to work on it, to not be crying at your bed. For people to. I actually thought that their was a way out for me if I just do all of this, then everything will be alright, or at least tolerable.
Its seemly irrational for me to live, especially since life itself is inherently hostile, brutal, indifferent, cruel, vindictive, and hollow, and everyone is playing it like its some sort of game to be won. Well I'm tired of playing this game called life. Especially since there's no benefit for me in it anyway. The world is based on suffering and pain, and that doesn't seem to be changing anytime soon.
I'm apathetic about my birthday tbh, and about life in general. I really hope I don't hesitate to commit the deed(especially not with partial hanging) tonight. If I do(even though I want it to end tonight, there's a possibility I'll still be alive). I'm tired of being in a limbo and not committing to anything. I hope this isn't seemly attention attention seeking, I'm just exhausted internally. If I don't come back at some point in the next week(even if lurking) than I'm probably dead. I wish I was more resilient, but at this point I'm losing it.
Life is the process of dying as Arthur Schopenhauer would say, I can literally feel myself decaying(I mean I can feel my lung being damaged by too many soda's lol)so yeah, I will like to be dead by tonight. A part of me still feels that " hope." inside of me, hence my fear of hesitance and being a coward.
I will not be surprised if I'm dead tonight, I will also not be surprised if I decide to postpone it for whatever B.S excuse. Anyways this is a possible goodbye. I love all of you and I wish you all well.
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