Venting i deserved it

[synthcadia]

this is short but recently i have felt like i deserved all of the trauma, especially the sexual trauma. and it makes me depressed knowing that my sexual trauma has stemmed so many of my issues. sometimes i feel rotten and disgusting. i feel like it's my fault. even though i was a kid, i should've known better…

 

[anhedonya]

I do not believe it is your fault under any circumstances. Even if a fully grown adult went into public completely naked, it still would not justify doing such a thing to them. Your only responsibility as a child was to play with friends and wonder what your packed lunch was going to be tomorrow. I'm so sorry you went through these horrible events. I think you should try to research terms in relation to this topic about repulsion and hyperactivity. Many people who go through what you did often feel shame, guilt, and disgust to the point where they can barely interact with the act of love or intimacy. Many go the other way entirely and the shame and guilt form into being obsessed with it, impulsively rushing at it. I know it's not easy to get help with these kinds of topics, but there are resources out there for you to learn how to traverse what you're going through and how to define it. Best of luck <3

 

[uncat_]

I relate to this so much.. I've gone through so much sexual abuse online, but 12-15yo me technically sought it out. i knew what i was doing, i knew it'd hurt me. i understand that i was groomed and abused, i know all of that. but god, I feel like it's all my fault sometimes, and I feel just as bad as my abusers.

if anything, im thankful i have that trauma now too. at least now i have something to be upset about lol.

 

[anhedonya]

I relate to this so much.. I've gone through so much sexual abuse online, but 12-15yo me technically sought it out. i knew what i was doing, i knew it'd hurt me. i understand that i was groomed and abused, i know all of that. but god, I feel like it's all my fault sometimes, and I feel just as bad as my abusers.

if anything, im thankful i have that trauma now too. at least now i have something to be upset about lol.

You're not alone. My curiosity has always gotten the best of me and I often put myself into awful situations at extremely vulnerable ages just because I wanted to find out what I didn't yet know or I thought I deserved whatever was to come. It's honestly just a form of self harm created by a suffering mind, because our options under 18 are so, so very limited. You're under your parents eye and have so little autonomy that getting yourself into those situations almost feels like rebellion. It's really normal behavior for a suffering child and you are not to blame whatsoever.