Venting I deserve a painful death

[Symbiote]

Everyone on here wants a peaceful death. A fitting end to their years of suffering and torment. I'm sure most of you wish the same for me too. My mind has been doing mental gymnastics for awhile saying I could go with a peaceful death or I don't deserve to die in peace. Maybe it's my self-worth talking, that I'm unworthy to die peacefully with SN, but rather slice my neck open, drink antifreeze, or light myself on fire because only good people can suicide peacefully. My life has been filled with pain of all kinds, why should I give myself that satisfaction of dying painlessly?. The whole point of my suicide is my mental torment, the guilt, the toxic shame, my past, etc. Does anyone else think this way? Giving themselves a painful death instead of a peaceful one?

I guess if I really want to make my experience painful is by living to old age and dying of a body wasting disease while people taunt me and my life choices....

/vent off

 

[Steamm]

I don't think suffocate to death as a peaceuful way to go.

 

[signifying nothing]

I feel similarly at times. If its punishment we're after then having to continue living is maybe the worst because that's the thing we're trying the hardest to escape. Its messed up.

 

[Disco Biscuit]

Apparently, when the body realises it's going to die and death is imminent, an incredible feeling of peace and acceptance takes over you. So in that regard, all death could be said to be peaceful.

 

[Symbiote]

Apparently, when the body realises it's going to die and death is imminent, an incredible feeling of peace and acceptance takes over you. So in that regard, all death could be said to be peaceful.

I don't know that would apply if you were dying from 3rd degree burns. I've heard of people dying in agony because the pain was so great they succumbed to it.

 

[Ghost2211]

I can respect the self hate you have going. It's your right to feel that way. I just don't see any benefit to making oneself suffer. It doesn't change or make up for the past. I don't feel it's about deserving or not deserving a peaceful death, but rather it's just a logical course of action. You are right in that living to old age and deterioration is the ultimate punishment though.

 

[rabbithole]

Everyone on here wants a peaceful death. A fitting end to their years of suffering and torment. I'm sure most of you wish the same for me too. My mind has been doing mental gymnastics for awhile saying I could go with a peaceful death or I don't deserve to die in peace. Maybe it's my self-worth talking, that I'm unworthy to die peacefully with SN, but rather slice my neck open, drink antifreeze, or light myself on fire because only good people can suicide peacefully. My life has been filled with pain of all kinds, why should I give myself that satisfaction of dying painlessly?. The whole point of my suicide is my mental torment, the guilt, the toxic shame, my past, etc. Does anyone else think this way? Giving themselves a painful death instead of a peaceful one?

I guess if I really want to make my experience painful is by living to old age and dying of a body wasting disease while people taunt me and my life choices....

/vent off

Yes. When I fantasize about dying it's slitting my wrists while I'm on fire. But of course my si is too strong for that type of death.

I'm sorry you think you deserve pain. I don't know you so I don't know whether you truly do. I doubt it though. Probably just years of self loathing talking.

 

[sourpink]

I can relate rather strongly.
but I'm also just 6 diagnoses stacked atop one another in one flesh vessel, with more trauma and life experience/self loathing than I personally can handle well enough to sustain life.
I can't say I completely understand, but I can definitely relate to the feeling of deserving pain or being unworthy of peace.
sending love and solidarity.

 

[Pookie]

I can relate. I sometimes imagine taking a hammer and bashing my skull in, stuff like that. I want to destroy my body like it has destroyed me. But I know in reality I won't be able to go through with something like that.

 

[Symbiote]

I've envisioned my last moments will involve some form of torture and then ask myself after each deed, "You still want to die?" I think that would kill any SI. Kind of like how dictatorial nations torture their prisoners to break their spirit before executing them. Except my spirit is already broken, but may give my family members some satisfaction that I went out painfully instead of what they call it, "Taking the easy way out". Not like the first time they questioned my choices and called me a pussy for it.

 

[Ber0]

I'm sorry to hear that, it makes me sad to think how much pain you might have, although I can relate I believe. At one point I thought that same way that I should deserve any death consisting of torture and pain, mainly because I did some terrible things when I was younger, I hurt people emotionally and physically and as I grew up I realized the consequences but it was too late, there are so many people which I'll never be able to apologize to or say sorry. So I just realized I'd have to live with that and try not to make the same mistakes. I slowly forgave myself over time and just promised to be a better person. And as for the guilt and mental torture, past events, shame, it personally took me many years to get to a place where I felt like I could at least be allowed to let myself be considered worthy to enjoy living/existing as a human. As cheesy and horrendous and "therapist" as it sounds, perhaps you could try to forgive yourself and come to terms with things that have happened, it might not change your want to CTB of course, but maybe you could let yourself accept that you could have a painless death after all the torture. Hope I didn't say anything too assumptive or insensitive btw, I just wish you the best either way you feel.

 

[Weary Soul]

Everyone on here wants a peaceful death. A fitting end to their years of suffering and torment. I'm sure most of you wish the same for me too. My mind has been doing mental gymnastics for awhile saying I could go with a peaceful death or I don't deserve to die in peace. Maybe it's my self-worth talking, that I'm unworthy to die peacefully with SN, but rather slice my neck open, drink antifreeze, or light myself on fire because only good people can suicide peacefully. My life has been filled with pain of all kinds, why should I give myself that satisfaction of dying painlessly?. The whole point of my suicide is my mental torment, the guilt, the toxic shame, my past, etc. Does anyone else think this way? Giving themselves a painful death instead of a peaceful one?

I guess if I really want to make my experience painful is by living to old age and dying of a body wasting disease while people taunt me and my life choices....

/vent off

I really understand those mental gymnastics - sometimes I think I have OCD of the mind.

Whether it is you or not, I do not believe that anyone "deserves" a painful death.

We are human and unless you live in some kind of bubble with absolutely no interaction with other humans, mistakes are inevitable and normal - it is how most mature and learn.

IMO, this will be my last moment of life, and even though I have made many, many mistakes, I do not think that a painful death will render any kind of atonement.

Alla that being said, this is my opinion only and I appreciate your autonomy and choice to do what is best for you.

<3

 

[ihavetoleave]

I don't deserve a peaceful death, I've been a really sh*tty person and I've caused a lot of grief to other people in different ways over the years. The only reason I am still here and that I have a method of CTB on hand that is relatively quick/easy is because I am selfish and unable to do the hard thing like a lot of others seem to be able to do. The reasons I am disgusted with myself and the reasons I am still here are the exact same.

 

[Superdeterminist]

I think that you decide what you deserve, nobody else. So if you think that you deserve a painful death, although it strikes me as bizarre and I can't understand it, who am I to tell you otherwise? Personally though, I could never do that to myself, I'm just not that way inclined.

 

[Manford]

Hitler apparently had a quick and easy suicide. Why shouldn't you ? The end result is the same so why not make it as peaceful as possible ?

 

[Meditation guide]

Giving themselves a painful death instead of a peaceful one?

No on the contrary.

 

[Nymph]

Hitler apparently had a quick and easy suicide. Why shouldn't you ? The end result is the same so why not make it as peaceful as possible ?

Yeah but Hitler obviously didn't deserve a peaceful death. OP seems hateful of themselves and think they don't deserve a peaceful death. I respect those feelings, it is sad though.


I feel like most ppl deserve a peaceful death unless they are some kind of serial killer/rapist/abuser etc..., I mean I'm a shitty person in the way that I'm selfish and stuff but I'm not straight up evil and I think I deserve to have a peaceful death

 

[hellodarkness]

OP I also am coming at it that way. Quick, dirty, the least likely to hurt other people because it can look hella accidental. Pain for me is guaranteed, but it is regardless of what I do.

 

[wordsonscreen]

Everyone on here wants a peaceful death. A fitting end to their years of suffering and torment. I'm sure most of you wish the same for me too. My mind has been doing mental gymnastics for awhile saying I could go with a peaceful death or I don't deserve to die in peace. Maybe it's my self-worth talking, that I'm unworthy to die peacefully with SN, but rather slice my neck open, drink antifreeze, or light myself on fire because only good people can suicide peacefully. My life has been filled with pain of all kinds, why should I give myself that satisfaction of dying painlessly?.

Because you did not have it. If you believe in any form of penance, have you not already suffered enough. You choose your own mercy.

The whole point of my suicide is my mental torment, the guilt, the toxic shame, my past, etc. Does anyone else think this way? Giving themselves a painful death instead of a peaceful one?

I do... I was really committed to the inert gas method and it feels like a very dignified method to me but I feel like I deserve this pain somehow and switched my method to SN. I know SN is not THAT painful but relatively speaking. I low key would love to jump and drown in the ocean- I cannot swim. It sounds horrible and painful but I would do it if there were any cliffs where I am.

I guess if I really want to make my experience painful is by living to old age and dying of a body wasting disease while people taunt me and my life choices....

/vent off

You choose what you deserve. Life has been cruel. We can at least choose mercy for our own self in death. The idea that we deserve pain is maybe just further indoctrination of shitty systems and shitty life events we have lived through.

I feel weird saying any of this because I feel like I deserve pain too.

 

[ClairyFairy]

I always consider the more gruesome ways to go. I think it's because I'm used to violence towards me from a young age so I don't fear that part of it that others might and those ways are quicker in the end

 

[Symbiote]

I always consider the more gruesome ways to go. I think it's because I'm used to violence towards me from a young age so I don't fear that part of it that others might and those ways are quicker in the end

Yeah, been exposed to lots of violence in my life that I don't fear it too much. Pain that accompanies with death doesn't bother me.

 

[ClairyFairy]

Yeah, been exposed to lots of violence in my life that I don't fear it too much. Pain that accompanies with death doesn't bother me.

It's sad really isn't it but it makes sense I suppose