I couldn't pull the trigger

[win32]

I was alone for a few hours and the only gun/ammo I had access to was a 1911 loaded with .45 ACP (unfortunately FMJ) rounds.

I've never touched it before, but was able to figure out how to load it and how the safeties work by watching videos. After figuring it out, I took a large dose of aspirin (so I bleed out faster in case I miss) and waited for it to kick in. Several times I had it in my mouth angled upward, bullet in the chamber, hand over the trigger, with all safeties off.

I just wasn't confident enough that I would hit the brainstem. That's the only thing that stopped me from pulling the trigger. The thought of just hearing a loud bang, bleeding in intense pain, and possibly being "saved" with severe brain and facial damage. Rather than dying instantly.

I remember only barely feeling SI, mainly just fear of failure, which would make everything 100x worse. Maybe it's good that I didn't do it, because I'm still not sure if .45 ACP FMJ is enough without utterly flawless aim, even with lots of Aspirin. Unfortunately it's all I have.

 

[ReadyForIt]

I was in pretty much the same boat the other day. I also have a 1911 .45 ACP with FMJs, and I had my note and everything ready to go. For some reason couldn't pull the trigger. I share your concern about missing the brainstem, so my plan includes taking aspirin the day before and the day of, then shooting both femoral arteries, followed by a shot to the heart, and finally a shot behind the ear to hopefully hit the brainstem. But yeah I know what you mean, it's extremely tough to pull the trigger and I just couldn't do it. I know I have to do it at some point, because I know my life just isn't going to get any better. Just gotta build up the courage and do it. Much easier said than done.

 

[motel rooms]

so my plan includes taking aspirin the day before and the day of, then shooting both femoral arteries, followed by a shot to the heart, and finally a shot behind the ear to hopefully hit the brainstem.

Are you sure you'd be able to keep your hands steady after shooting both of your femoral arteries?

 

[abandonedSheep]

i'm new to this forum. it's incredible (to me, because i'm new) to read that you didn't have survival instinct fear, but instead mostly just fear of failure. i'd be so scared to use a gun, because it seems so violent. i wonder what kind of pain can push someone to take their life with such a violent method. there's pain that people experience that i cannot fathom, probably.

i hear you about the fear of failure: living with more suffering from a failed attempt sounds horrifying.

 

[ReadyForIt]

Are you sure you'd be able to keep your hands steady after shooting both of your femoral arteries?

Damn, that's a good point, I didn't think about that. I honestly have no idea, but shooting both of them would mean I'd bleed out pretty quickly so hopefully the pain wouldn't be insufferable. That's part of the reason I'm using FMJs instead of hollow points, hollow points would hurt way worse, I'd imagine.

 

[AquaSkye7]

I was alone for a few hours and the only gun/ammo I had access to was a 1911 loaded with .45 ACP (unfortunately FMJ) rounds.

I've never touched it before, but was able to figure out how to load it and how the safeties work by watching videos. After figuring it out, I took a large dose of aspirin (so I bleed out faster in case I miss) and waited for it to kick in. Several times I had it in my mouth angled upward, bullet in the chamber, hand over the trigger, with all safeties off.

I just wasn't confident enough that I would hit the brainstem. That's the only thing that stopped me from pulling the trigger. The thought of just hearing a loud bang, bleeding in intense pain, and possibly being "saved" with severe brain and facial damage. Rather than dying instantly.

I remember only barely feeling SI, mainly just fear of failure, which would make everything 100x worse. Maybe it's good that I didn't do it, because I'm still not sure if .45 ACP FMJ is enough without utterly flawless aim, even with lots of Aspirin. Unfortunately it's all I have.

Hey there! Just wondering if the courage ever came through for you? FMJ rounds would certainly not be the rounds to go with and a good thing you didn't follow through. The only way to ensure brainstem being hit are hollow point rounds. FMJ just goes straight through with one piercing and required immense accuracy. Hollow point will basically explode your brain. I have RIP rounds. Sure to do the trick but it doesn't overcome the fear. Idk what to do bc I REALLY wanna go and need to go and set everything up to go, and ultimately cant overcome the mind. Fear of pain, etc IS the survival instinct creating doubt in our minds. So, I'm thinking getting super drunk will kill the rationality of SI?

 

[summers]

Keep in mind the 1911 was used as a weapon of war by US troops in WWI, WWII, Korea, and Vietnam. Many thousands of people have died from center mass shots with .45fmj rounds. This is a very lethal gun and round, regardless of the ammo.

Never use a gun to ctb until you are very familiar with it. This isn't SN, fuck up, and you'll be much worse off than before you attempted.

 

[Lost Magic]

I always think of the movies when it comes to somebody blowing their brains out. It looks like such an impulsive and satisfying thing to do but I know that the reality of pulling the trigger must be something quite different.