I couldn't bring myself to do it

[Insomniac]

I was planing to full suspension hang myself at 2am last night in my bedroom, but I ended up failing to do it.

This time, I didn't back down because of fear or pain. I had experimented multiple times and was technically ready.I backed down because ever since I made my mind yesterday morning to end it that night, I could sense suspecting eyes on me. My little sister in particular was looking at me strangely, and my mom was speaking to me with a low voice and a defeated expression. as if they were dreading something. I'm usually treated like shit and continuously disrespected by them, but there was indead a sense of dread in their demeanour towards me. I guess my intention to end it subconsciously made it to them. I had a rather quiet resolute expression on my face the whole day.

The atmosphere was so heavy last night that, I started to feel the impact of my absence. I started to feel what they'd go through discovering the body etc and it felt horrifying. Even though I don't like the way they treat me everyday, I still felt really sorry for them, sorry enough to not do it.

However, I am planing to attempt again soon. Since Hanging is my method and I have figured out it's mechanisms, I guess I don't need to rush but I feel like I'll do it on an impulse. Maybe tonight, or in 3 days. Idk.

 

[Grumpy Bear]

It's always interesting how people can pick up unspoken vibes. But yeah I'm very "fortunate" not to have family or real friends as that will make CTB easier for me.

 

[NearlyIrrelevantCake]

You'll find the right time to do it, OP. Wishing you peace.

 

[eatingmyselfaway]

I am so sorry for you, this must've been so hard for you the whole day. I've felt something bad is going to happen when both of my close relatives passed away. It's just a subconsious mind picking up a small clues that we don't seem to notice fully and clearly. Take your time, I suggest, come to it rationally, it will help the last moment and if you are going to try again I wish you peace.

 

[FuneralCry]

Of course there is no rush to ctb, the option is always there for when the time is right. It is very difficult to ctb after all, I believe it takes a certain mindset to actually be able to go through with it. I wish you the best, I hope you find peace.

 

[NormaJeane]

Many people have not dared to commit suicide with a method that is not peaceful. More men than women succeed in suicide.

 

[Aeathelina]

No need to rush the end. I hope you find peace