The woman I was interested in has a bf so there is no reason not to drop the nuke. I considered to open up about suicidality earlier but stopped myself not to scare people. I was recently very suicidal and bought SN. Some days ago I considered to kill myself on Sunday. My friends turned very anxious and intervened. I accept that. The support helped me to live through this crisis. And I am glad that they would never tell my parents that I have acquired SN. But I think if I really wanted to I could still kill myself.
They want that I tell more people about my suicidality. Also my therapists. I explained the therapists a lot but I never remind them of my suicidality so they forget it pretty quickly afterwards. I am pretty good at walking the fine line. There was only one time they forced me (to stay) in a clinic. After I admitted I tried partial and I already expected that they would not let me walk outside of the clinic as a free man after my confession. Many people here in this forum have a wrong notion on this issue. Some really think admitting suicidality would lead in most cases to a involuntary clinic stay. Some people on here told such stories. For me they are far away from the reality. So many people have suicidal thoughts they could never lock them all away. That's very unrealistic. As long as they believe you that you are not acute suicidal they can't do anything. However I never attempted and never explicitly lied to them about my suicidality (with a proof for them) I think I lied a couple of times when needed however I did not break a compliance contract not to attempt for example. Maybe if there are such trust issues they are more strict on this issue I don't know.
The self-help group is okay. There is no therapist only college students. Sometimes people talked about suicidality but rather mild compared to my suicidality. I have the irrational desire for the following. Some of them probably consider myself to be a loser. I suck at finding a gf, my progress at college is a joke and I suffer like a dog. I have the inner wish to show them that I am self aware of it and ready to draw the consequences. That I am ready to kill myself for being such a loser. This might be irrational because these people don't care about me at all. They would not waste their time thinking of me as a loser for too long. And some people (not me) consider suicidality loser like. So my action won't make much sense.
I talked about some of my issues in this group. Barely mentioning my suicidality which is a big part of my daily life feels dishonest. I am not sure which version of the story I will tell them. I might tell them more than my therapists. I might tell them (the group members) the following: I have ordered a lethal chemical on the internet. But my friends pressured me to give it to them. And I pretend that I did that. (I still own it in my apartment). But before I tell that story I ask them whether they have a policy on suicidality whether for example acute suicidality has to be reported to the university. I doubt that. But if yes I won't tell this story. I consider the likelihood that this behavior gets reported as very low. I will tell my psychiatrist a light version of this story. I considered to order a lethal substance online but my friends stopped me. I need a reason that they allow me to go to another clinic.
Today I have made huge progress in my paper for college. And I finally read some stories of David Foster Wallace. Many people here in this forum will consider my plan to be insane. Depending on the mood and atmosphere I might adapt my plan. I don't have much to lose anyway. I could for example tell them if the atmosphere gets really bad that I will tell this story very soon to my psychiatrist anyway. I will leave enough wiggle room to get away with it.
They want that I tell more people about my suicidality. Also my therapists. I explained the therapists a lot but I never remind them of my suicidality so they forget it pretty quickly afterwards. I am pretty good at walking the fine line. There was only one time they forced me (to stay) in a clinic. After I admitted I tried partial and I already expected that they would not let me walk outside of the clinic as a free man after my confession. Many people here in this forum have a wrong notion on this issue. Some really think admitting suicidality would lead in most cases to a involuntary clinic stay. Some people on here told such stories. For me they are far away from the reality. So many people have suicidal thoughts they could never lock them all away. That's very unrealistic. As long as they believe you that you are not acute suicidal they can't do anything. However I never attempted and never explicitly lied to them about my suicidality (with a proof for them) I think I lied a couple of times when needed however I did not break a compliance contract not to attempt for example. Maybe if there are such trust issues they are more strict on this issue I don't know.
The self-help group is okay. There is no therapist only college students. Sometimes people talked about suicidality but rather mild compared to my suicidality. I have the irrational desire for the following. Some of them probably consider myself to be a loser. I suck at finding a gf, my progress at college is a joke and I suffer like a dog. I have the inner wish to show them that I am self aware of it and ready to draw the consequences. That I am ready to kill myself for being such a loser. This might be irrational because these people don't care about me at all. They would not waste their time thinking of me as a loser for too long. And some people (not me) consider suicidality loser like. So my action won't make much sense.
I talked about some of my issues in this group. Barely mentioning my suicidality which is a big part of my daily life feels dishonest. I am not sure which version of the story I will tell them. I might tell them more than my therapists. I might tell them (the group members) the following: I have ordered a lethal chemical on the internet. But my friends pressured me to give it to them. And I pretend that I did that. (I still own it in my apartment). But before I tell that story I ask them whether they have a policy on suicidality whether for example acute suicidality has to be reported to the university. I doubt that. But if yes I won't tell this story. I consider the likelihood that this behavior gets reported as very low. I will tell my psychiatrist a light version of this story. I considered to order a lethal substance online but my friends stopped me. I need a reason that they allow me to go to another clinic.
Today I have made huge progress in my paper for college. And I finally read some stories of David Foster Wallace. Many people here in this forum will consider my plan to be insane. Depending on the mood and atmosphere I might adapt my plan. I don't have much to lose anyway. I could for example tell them if the atmosphere gets really bad that I will tell this story very soon to my psychiatrist anyway. I will leave enough wiggle room to get away with it.
