I chickened out of CTB

[pauly1963]

I feel so ashamed of myself. I am such an idiot that I can't even take a running jump off the edge of a cliff. I was in the middle of nowhere yesterday morning, close to the edge of a very steep drop at a disused quarry. The drop would easily have killed me because at the bottom it was filled with deep water, and the actual drop itself was around 120 feet. I had filled my backpack with around 40 pounds of small rocks, and if the fall itself didn't kill me, then I would have drowned because I had rigged the backpack with heavy duty cable ties and therefore could not have removed the pack without my knife, which I had left in my car 200 metres away. It was torrential rain and wind high up on the ledge, and I kept feeling really weird everytime I made a move to actually run forward and jump. I had to run over the edge, because halfway down the cliff face there were rocks sticking out, so I didn't want to hit them on my way down, I wanted a clean fall, all the way to the bottom. But every time I made a move to jump, I kept getting this crazy feeling in my stomach, like the feeling you get on a rollercoaster, but much more powerful, to the point where my whole being felt like jelly. I would feel very dizzy and my knees would buckle, and I would drop to the ground before reaching the very edge of the cliff. This process repeated itself several times, until I just gave up because by this time I was feeling really trippy, due to the onset of a huge panic attack. I lay in the rain and mud until the attack had subsided, it was one of those panic attacks that is debilitating, where's you just freeze up. Eventually I made my way back to the car in a state of exhaustion, cut the backpack off and just sat there in a daze for around an hour. Has anyone else experienced any weird physical sensations when trying to CTB ?

 

[Someone123]

I've heard of cases where jumpng is way tougher than people expect, and that the body just resists it by shaking, etc., to where people can't do it.

 

[jodes2]

It's NOT easy to jump off a cliff. I tried 5 times and permanently chickened out cos of fears. 120 feet isn't enough for a certain death by the way anyway. We don't want you to suffer at the bottom. Sorry you're suffering

 

[Forever Sleep]

Jesus! Don't feel ashamed. I REALLY don't think many people would have had the guts to go ahead with that. The fact it wasn't straight down either and that you would have needed to clear rocks sounds super risky. I think it was both instinct and common sense that stopped you- That could have gone very badly wrong.

I'm so sorry. You must be freezing as well in your car. Did you go anywhere to wash and dry off? I'm so sorry. You must be feeling awful.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds like a really horrific experience. But after all, ctb can certainly be very difficult and of course I wish that it's much easier to leave more than anything. Jumping sounds like a terrifying method to me and as we all know even know we wish to die, it's like the survival instinct exists to prolong our suffering and try to keep us trapped here. I wish you the best.

 

[actual_fox]

Jumping is very hard, do not worry. I did not ctb many times too because I "chickened out". Do not put more stress on yourself. Do what you can to relax.

 

[pauly1963]

Jesus! Don't feel ashamed. I REALLY don't think many people would have had the guts to go ahead with that. The fact it wasn't straight down either and that you would have needed to clear rocks sounds super risky. I think it was both instinct and common sense that stopped you- That could have gone very badly wrong.

I'm so sorry. You must be freezing as well in your car. Did you go anywhere to wash and dry off? I'm so sorry. You must be feeling awful.

When I had regained my composure I put on a new change of clothes ( I live in my car so always have some spare ). I turned the heater on and jumped into my sleeping bag. I fell asleep for about an hour, woke up then drove to the fuel station.

 

[Meaninglessness]

There are many people who have chickened out. I am in the same situation. I think that suicide is harder for women than for men. Maybe some of us will chicken out until we die from old age. To commit suicide alone in a painful and uncertain way is the most difficult thing you can do. Is suicide about courage or unbearable suffering? Maybe one has to drug oneself to the point of unconsciousness to find the courage to die, but then the method can fail. But all humans should have the right to euthanasia whenever we want it. Suicide discussions on the Internet shouldn´t need to exist. The politicians should change the law. However, maybe the bravest people never need to become members here on Sanctioned Suicide because they already have killed themselves.

 

[Endex]

You've absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. It sounded like a mentally exhausting and draining experience to go through. It also takes a lot of guts to share your experience of what you went through.

 

[brokensea]

You should not feel ashamed. Our bodies have a survival instinct we have no control over. It literally can take over and stop you. Completely. Maybe you can take a little time for yourself after such a distressing experience. There is no rush. Going into the unknown is terrifying and there's millions of years of survival instinct that will cripple you. When I got close to my attempt time I slept all the time it's like my body was trying to prevent me from doing it by making me extremely tired. I had no control over it. Don't feel bad or ashamed at all. Maybe you're not quite ready and that's ok.

 

[MidnightDream]

Please do not feel ashamed, what you went through is entirely normal. Our bodies are wired to want to survive, there's nothing we can really do to combat that and it's certainly not a reflection of your strength. Jumping is one of the hardest methods too, it goes against every physiological instinct.

 

[coyotestark]

I've been in the car at my chosen spot multiple times, gun to my chest, trigger about to break... Don't beat yourself up over it, you're not alone.

 

[Sad_Sack]

Yeah don't feel bad. You were faced with running and jumping off a 120 ft cliff, in a rain storm, with a 40 lb backpack into cold deep water knowing you could hut a bunch of rocks on the way down. This is no easy task! With all the rain I suspect you also felt like your footing would be off and you may have not got a good jump. Sorry you at this point.

 

[makethepainstop]

I feel so ashamed of myself. I am such an idiot that I can't even take a running jump off the edge of a cliff. I was in the middle of nowhere yesterday morning, close to the edge of a very steep drop at a disused quarry. The drop would easily have killed me because at the bottom it was filled with deep water, and the actual drop itself was around 120 feet. I had filled my backpack with around 40 pounds of small rocks, and if the fall itself didn't kill me, then I would have drowned because I had rigged the backpack with heavy duty cable ties and therefore could not have removed the pack without my knife, which I had left in my car 200 metres away. It was torrential rain and wind high up on the ledge, and I kept feeling really weird everytime I made a move to actually run forward and jump. I had to run over the edge, because halfway down the cliff face there were rocks sticking out, so I didn't want to hit them on my way down, I wanted a clean fall, all the way to the bottom. But every time I made a move to jump, I kept getting this crazy feeling in my stomach, like the feeling you get on a rollercoaster, but much more powerful, to the point where my whole being felt like jelly. I would feel very dizzy and my knees would buckle, and I would drop to the ground before reaching the very edge of the cliff. This process repeated itself several times, until I just gave up because by this time I was feeling really trippy, due to the onset of a huge panic attack. I lay in the rain and mud until the attack had subsided, it was one of those panic attacks that is debilitating, where's you just freeze up. Eventually I made my way back to the car in a state of exhaustion, cut the backpack off and just sat there in a daze for around an hour. Has anyone else experienced any weird physical sensations when trying to CTB ?

Pauly, you are not an idiot, you are not weak, you are human. Now si is hard wired into our brains. So your si won this round,there is always tomorrow, or next week, month, or even next year. Much love to you.

 

[Ineedtodie]

I tried with full suspension, stood on a chair, placed the noose, then gradually started lowering my right foot off as much as possible. The noose suddenly tightned fully and so quickly. At that point my body screamed DEATH, just primal panic. I aborted instantly. I' m 100% sure i would have died if I kicked the chair. My setup was well made for a quick certain death.
I believe there needs to be an eliment of impulsiveness for this to work.

 

[pauly1963]

Pauly, you are not an idiot, you are not weak, you are human. Now si is hard wired into our brains. So your si won this round,there is always tomorrow, or next week, month, or even next year. Much love to you.

Thank you.

Pauly, you are not an idiot, you are not weak, you are human. Now si is hard wired into our brains. So your si won this round,there is always tomorrow, or next week, month, or even next year. Much love to you.

Thank you.

 

[yeti]

You are brave . It takes a lot to do what you did. You tried and that's important

 

[lebrodude]

You're not a coward at all, jumping is something I could never do.
That along with death but train are two methods I could never entertain.
Too gruesome.
I want my body to be intact when I go.

 

[Amccorm2]

My friend, do not feel ashamed. It is much harder in actuality to ctb than it is to talk about.

This is a learning curve and you learned that rain storms, cliffs and running jumps are not your thing on that day. I'd recommend reflecting on your experience and take it from there.

 

[Little T]

I feel so ashamed of myself. I am such an idiot that I can't even take a running jump off the edge of a cliff. I was in the middle of nowhere yesterday morning, close to the edge of a very steep drop at a disused quarry. The drop would easily have killed me because at the bottom it was filled with deep water, and the actual drop itself was around 120 feet. I had filled my backpack with around 40 pounds of small rocks, and if the fall itself didn't kill me, then I would have drowned because I had rigged the backpack with heavy duty cable ties and therefore could not have removed the pack without my knife, which I had left in my car 200 metres away. It was torrential rain and wind high up on the ledge, and I kept feeling really weird everytime I made a move to actually run forward and jump. I had to run over the edge, because halfway down the cliff face there were rocks sticking out, so I didn't want to hit them on my way down, I wanted a clean fall, all the way to the bottom. But every time I made a move to jump, I kept getting this crazy feeling in my stomach, like the feeling you get on a rollercoaster, but much more powerful, to the point where my whole being felt like jelly. I would feel very dizzy and my knees would buckle, and I would drop to the ground before reaching the very edge of the cliff. This process repeated itself several times, until I just gave up because by this time I was feeling really trippy, due to the onset of a huge panic attack. I lay in the rain and mud until the attack had subsided, it was one of those panic attacks that is debilitating, where's you just freeze up. Eventually I made my way back to the car in a state of exhaustion, cut the backpack off and just sat there in a daze for around an hour. Has anyone else experienced any weird physical sensations when trying to CTB ?

You just weren't ready & that is OKAY!

 

[Obliviate]

this reaction is absolutely normal due to the terrifying method. You are brave for even attempting

 

[SamTam33]

Thanks for being so descriptive. Just chalk it up to practice.

I'm always trying to prepare myself to jump and it helps to know how my body might react. I'm convinced if I had a secluded place to sit and get drunk, I'd jump with ease.

But as it stands now, I'll only have a few seconds.

Do you think it's something you would attempt again or have you completely written it off?

 

[conflagration]

Attempting suicide is extremely hard, even when you have a peaceful and reliable method. 6 years ago when I had my uneducated half ass attempt by alcohol and benzos I still needed impulse of anger to try it.

 

[pauly1963]

Thanks for being so descriptive. Just chalk it up to practice.

I'm always trying to prepare myself to jump and it helps to know how my body might react. I'm convinced if I had a secluded place to sit and get drunk, I'd jump with ease.

But as it stands now, I'll only have a few seconds.

Do you think it's something you would attempt again or have you completely written it off?

I think that using alcohol in some way could be beneficial. Maybe lie down right on the edge, drink lots of spirits till I pass out, then hopefully roll off the edge when I'm in a drunken sleep. I think that would be an effective and funny way to go.

 

[looseye]

Hi Pauly, I remember your goodbye thread from last week. It was sad to see you go since you seem like such a caring person. I'm glad your body chose not to take the jump, now you're still with us and didn't have to experience a potentially torterous passing. Wherever life takes you next, whether you find a new purpose or decide to go for another attempt, I hope it works out for you <3

 

[pauly1963]

Hi Pauly, I remember your goodbye thread from last week. It was sad to see you go since you seem like such a caring person. I'm glad your body chose not to take the jump, now you're still with us and didn't have to experience a potentially torterous passing. Wherever life takes you next, whether you find a new purpose or decide to go for another attempt, I hope it works out for you <3

Thank you. That's really kind of you.

 

[Rounded Agony]

pauly I guess my post in your goodbye thread was not, for me, goodbye after all. The scene you described conjured an image not unlike a movie in my mind's eye; and the protagonist - you - was one of those badasses with a heart of gold-types. Seriously, I can't image anyone not a stunt professional with a team at the ready pulling off such a feat.

As others have said, we may fully want to die but our bodies? Very different story. All those little cells, mitochondria, and even organs - they don't suffer how we do, or they think it's worth it, or whatever other reason they all pull together and do their damndest to stop "us".

I'm sorry to hear it must've been a harrowing experience but I too am glad you didn't meet a gnarly gruesome end...or worse, a gnarly, gruesome life! We're here for you, in whatever limited way we can be

 

[pauly1963]

pauly I guess my post in your goodbye thread was not, for me, goodbye after all. The scene you described conjured an image not unlike a movie in my mind's eye; and the protagonist - you - was one of those badasses with a heart of gold-types. Seriously, I can't image anyone not a stunt professional with a team at the ready pulling off such a feat.

As others have said, we may fully want to die but our bodies? Very different story. All those little cells, mitochondria, and even organs - they don't suffer how we do, or they think it's worth it, or whatever other reason they all pull together and do their damndest to stop "us".

I'm sorry to hear it must've been a harrowing experience but I too am glad you didn't meet a gnarly gruesome end...or worse, a gnarly, gruesome life! We're here for you, in whatever limited way we can be

Thank you, that's really kind of you. Yes, you are right about it all going potentially very wrong: I could have ended up alive, yet severely damaged.

 

[Nirrend]

I feel so ashamed of myself. I am such an idiot that I can't even take a running jump off the edge of a cliff. I was in the middle of nowhere yesterday morning, close to the edge of a very steep drop at a disused quarry. The drop would easily have killed me because at the bottom it was filled with deep water, and the actual drop itself was around 120 feet. I had filled my backpack with around 40 pounds of small rocks, and if the fall itself didn't kill me, then I would have drowned because I had rigged the backpack with heavy duty cable ties and therefore could not have removed the pack without my knife, which I had left in my car 200 metres away. It was torrential rain and wind high up on the ledge, and I kept feeling really weird everytime I made a move to actually run forward and jump. I had to run over the edge, because halfway down the cliff face there were rocks sticking out, so I didn't want to hit them on my way down, I wanted a clean fall, all the way to the bottom. But every time I made a move to jump, I kept getting this crazy feeling in my stomach, like the feeling you get on a rollercoaster, but much more powerful, to the point where my whole being felt like jelly. I would feel very dizzy and my knees would buckle, and I would drop to the ground before reaching the very edge of the cliff. This process repeated itself several times, until I just gave up because by this time I was feeling really trippy, due to the onset of a huge panic attack. I lay in the rain and mud until the attack had subsided, it was one of those panic attacks that is debilitating, where's you just freeze up. Eventually I made my way back to the car in a state of exhaustion, cut the backpack off and just sat there in a daze for around an hour. Has anyone else experienced any weird physical sensations when trying to CTB ?

Hi sweet @pauly1963

I'm sorry that your suffering led you to put yourself in danger like this ❤

You have nothing to be ashamed of regarding your experience, anyone would have been scared in the face of that, me first ❤

I've already had in the past, when I wanted to throw myself under a train, like a force inside me, which kept me from putting myself on the railway

I think today it was SI, I understand what you experienced, as if an inner you was holding you back and as you approached the danger, you felt physical pain, tingling, electric sensations inside you

The survival instinct is, after all, the last bastion that human beings have to protect our integrity, and it is necessary to believe that it passes by physical sensations, as well as by emotions, thoughts

In any case, know that your suffering is legitimate ❤

I wish you from the bottom of my heart that things will get better ❤

Love ❤

 

[makethepainstop]

You're not a coward at all, jumping is something I could never do.
That along with death but train are two methods I could never entertain.
Too gruesome.
I want my body to be intact when I go.

No jumping or trains for this boy, no suh, boss no suh! Drugs, poisons or maybe even a firearm, but no damn trains or high jumps.