I casually told about my plans

[lillmonix3]

When I last talked to my mother, I accidentally told about the fact that I wanted to hang myself. I feel like such a bastard.Because I made her cry, and dad told me not to write such disgusting things to her again.I know that my death will be a tragedy for her, but I want to soften it somehow.I want her to get through it easier. The only thing holding me back is my mother. I once told myself that I would do it only after my parents died, but now I want to do it as soon as possible.



What can be done to make it easier for her to bear my death?

 

[HighFlight]

Losing a child is one of the hardest things a loving parent can go through. There is little you can do to make it easier for her. My best recommendation would be to increase the communication with her - not about any ctb plans, but about the suffering that is causing you to want to end things. ( be prepared, she is going to try to fix your problems. )

The decision regarding if and when to ctb is ultimately yours alone to make. If it comes to that point, hopefully knowing what you're going through, she will eventually understand.

 

[Deleted User#81194]

When I allude to my suicide mines got super angry, I don't know if anything can be done to make it more bearable. I guess if I left they'd just have a hundred page diary of my every day experience.

 

[complexpalm]

It can be hard thinking about those you leave behind, but the best thing you can do is spend your time remaining making memories, even small moments, and when you do decide to CTB, on your own terms, maybe write a note?
Speaking from experience, handwriting and the words written with them can be invaluable.

 

[lillmonix3]

Losing a child is one of the hardest things a loving parent can go through. There is little you can do to make it easier for her. My best recommendation would be to increase the communication with her - not about any ctb plans, but about the suffering that is causing you to want to end things. ( be prepared, she is going to try to fix your problems. )

The decision regarding if and when to ctb is ultimately yours alone to make. If it comes to that point, hopefully knowing what you're going through, she will eventually understand.

When I lived with her as a teenager, she took me to see a psychologist and a psychiatrist, I was even hospitalized.Antidepressants did not help me, but I pretended that I was fine and that they were helping me.Because I didn't want her to spend money on me. I remember how she cried at the psychiatrist and psychologist when the doctors talked about my condition.I don't know what the doctors told her, but she became even softer with me after that. I heard one thing that they said that I can drink a lot of pills, etc .I don't think it will be easier for her to get over it, even if I tell her something. She will only worry and cry more When I told her that I have panic attacks every day, she cried, and if I tell her anything else, I will only make things worse for her.

It can be hard thinking about those you leave behind, but the best thing you can do is spend your time remaining making memories, even small moments, and when you do decide to CTB, on your own terms, maybe write a note?
Speaking from experience, handwriting and the words written with them can be invaluable.

I would like to create some memories with them, but I am 8 thousand kilometers away from my parents. And I cannot do it physically.

 

[darkenmydoorstep]

When I last talked to my mother, I accidentally told about the fact that I wanted to hang myself. I feel like such a bastard.Because I made her cry, and dad told me not to write such disgusting things to her again.I know that my death will be a tragedy for her, but I want to soften it somehow.I want her to get through it easier. The only thing holding me back is my mother. I once told myself that I would do it only after my parents died, but now I want to do it as soon as possible.



What can be done to make it easier for her to bear my death?

You see this is what pisses me off. People are encouraged to verbalise their thoughts with loved ones, to 'talk', yet so often people do and it is turned upon them, guilt is generated and the person feels worse.
Why should you be painted as a villain for being completely frank?
How are your feelings less valid than hers?
I'm sorry your honesty has got you into trouble in this way.

 

[complexpalm]

I would like to create some memories with them, but I am 8 thousand kilometers away from my parents. And I cannot do it physically.

Maybe showcase memories from a time when you weren't overwhelmed by this? If you have access to any childhood photos and how you remember feeling during their taking, or even feeling now looking back, it might help her grief.

 

[lillmonix3]

Maybe showcase memories from a time when you weren't overwhelmed by this? If you have access to any childhood photos and how you remember feeling during their taking, or even feeling now looking back, it might help her grief.

The only problem is that she has photos from her childhood, but I have no photos from my 14th and still today I forbade taking pictures of me and did not take pictures myself.Now I regret it, but you won't change anything.I try to take pictures sometimes and send them to her for my mother.

 

[complexpalm]

The only problem is that she has photos from her childhood, but I have no photos from my 14th and still today I forbade taking pictures of me and did not take pictures myself.Now I regret it, but you won't change anything.I try to take pictures sometimes and send them to her for my mother.

That's fair and valid; I'm sorry, I was thinking of the viewpoint of her mother.
I think, OP, however you best express your emotions is the way to go. Even if it's unconventional, it'll be true to yourself.

 

[lillmonix3]

What is OP ? I'm sorry I don't know all abbreviation.

 

[complexpalm]

What is OP ? I'm sorry I don't know all abbreviation.

I'm sorry, it means "original poster", or the one who made the thread.

 

[lillmonix3]

I'm sorry, it means "original poster", or the one who made the thread.

Well, I created this topic. Or I just don't understand something

 

[complexpalm]

It may be my fault, I apologize. I was responding in rapid succession to one or two forum posts while responding to this one.
My comment, lillmonix3, was that regardless of conventional CTB notes, you do what feels right to you. Whatever feels most aligned to how you express yourself.

 

[Cheffo]

Maybe something that it's not her fault? Probably wont help a lot, maybe a bit. She did the bet she could but circumstance/illness was too much. Even the worlds best parents cant fix everything.

 

[lillmonix3]

Maybe something that it's not her fault? Probably wont help a lot, maybe a bit. She did the bet she could but circumstance/illness was too much. Even the worlds best parents cant fix everything.

I plan to keep a diary in which I will talk about my day and experiences. I want her to be able to read something I wrote and have it with her .
The only thing I don't know is what my dad's reaction will be. What is he thinking about?For some reason I did not want to spend time with him, I was simply ashamed of him. I don't know why, he is my own father, but for some reason I was even embarrassed to call him dad, as if I was not worthy to say that to him.

 

[Cheffo]

I just don't think society understands how flawed many of us are, and how complex and alienating and difficult to manage the world is, made much worse but a few flaws you may have that magnifies the problems many times. ADD, social anxiety, anyone of a zillion things can make this world overwhelming, and a lot of us have multiple of them. And then there is the external stuff, bullying, neglect, abuse. Add all those in and it goes up more.

We really have to forgive ourselves. The world is so messed up and humans are too. We are, are parents are. I hope we all find peace here or on the flip side. It's nice that you are concerned. But man, what a mess. Hard to clean up a mess this as big as this world is. No broom is big enough.

 

[FuneralCry]

I guess all that one can do is write notes so that those left behind are less likely to be left with as many unanswered questions, notes can act as a farewell. I personally wouldn't see it as the best idea to open up about plans to cease existing if one actually wants to die as it will likely just cause other people to interfere, it's sad how people cannot be respectful of the decision to die but this is just the unfortunate reality of existing here.

 

[Alexandra0]

I'm afraid there's nothing to do